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The Great Round Robin Challenge: The Story So far

1K views 3 replies 1 participant last post by  Edward C. Patterson 
#1 ·
Here's the Story so Far from the Great Round Robin Gang. All we need is an editor and a therapist and we could recreate Woodstock.

Enjoy all! (We encourage you to join in the Fun)

Chapter One:

Madeleine Pugh pondered the horizon, watching the sun rise over the quary. Coffee and bacon aromas captured her senses, but her soul sang its own song in the snowy morn. She slid open the door to feel the wintry chill, when she thought she saw a silver blimp floating over the neighbor's cabin. She blinked furiously and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. Heck, Ed the Norwegian bachelor was just crazy enough to rent one of those balloon thingys.  Last month he'd planted 50 plastic pink pelicans in his front yard -- to announce his birthday -- and people were still talking about THAT as if it was a 'coming out' event. Hell, maybe it was. After all Ed did work for the Democrats in the last cycle, and he sipped wine coolers at the association picnic when everyone else was content to drink Bud.  Madeleine looked again, and her heart suddenly skipped a beat.  It wasn't a blimp. It was a pteradactyl, with a wingspan the size of a football field.  It's shriek made Madeleine grab her ears and cower on the deck, looking for coverage.  She could see the talons dangling from its webbed feet, like one of those arcade claw vending machines.  What in God's name was it?  A Hollywood stunt?  A top-secret government experiment?  It swung in closer and she could see there was something clutched in those spiny fingers.

Squinting against the rising sun, one hand acting as an awning for her eyes, she spied Ed twisting in the talons. Blood trickled from his hands, spilling onto the white snow below. It left a trail, like breadcrumbs. Madeline decided she needed to follow it, to free Ed. But first, she had to finish up the batch of pumpkin spice cookies she had just placed on the wire rack in her ultra modern kitchen to cool.  She rushed about the kitchen like a mad woman, throwing powdered sugar, orange food color and vanilla flavoring into a large crockery bowl that once belonged her great-gradmother, Magadena Figg.  (The Figgs were related to her mother by marriage so she was actually Madaliene's great-grandmother-in-law).  She slapped at her face and left powdery white finger prints on her cheek as she worked furiously, beating the frosting to the perfect consistency, her mind racing... what to do?  What to do?  As she slathered thick, creamy rich frosting on the last of the pumpkin cookies an idea suddenly occurred to her.  She ran back outside and saw that the pterodactyl had landed atop her barn and was casually plucking Ed's hair, preparing to gobble him up for a light afternoon snack.  Creeping down the steps, she bounded across the alley to Ed's garage where she Finally rolled over and nearly fell out of the bed. She caught her wrist on the night table, the dream still lingering.
"Are you okay," Ed said, sitting up in bed. "What time is it?"
"Geez, Ed," Madeliene said. "I've had one helluva . . . well, you wouldn't believe it if I . . ."
She was sweating. She sniffed. She thought she smelled the aroma of pumpkin spice.
Ed braced her hand. "Didn't you have an appointment this morning with the lawyer about that civil action suit you filed?"
Madeleine thought a second, gathering her wits and the realized he was right.  She was already late to meet with the man for Yu, Sooem and Wyn about the misuse of electronic devices.  The whole neighborhood association was with her on this, exceptthe one man she assumed would always be there for her.  Not this time.
Ed watched her dress and apply her makeup, his hands folded behind his head and a slight smile on his lips.  Madeleine placed her hand on the doorknob, but paused to look back at her lover.
"Aren't you going to say anything?  You're just going to let me leave?"
"Maddy, what do you want me to say?  You know how I feel about this.  It wasn't as if I intended to contact some other planet with that old transmitter.  It was just a quirk.  And I'm sure as hell not going to the next board meeting just to get beat up about it.  I can only say 'I'm sorry' so many times."
She slowly shook her head and stared at her feet.
"Oh, ya--I forgot.  It was a quirk.  Now everyone's in danger, because of your little experiment with time travel!  You knew not to send that big obelisk back to the Stone Ages!  Now they've found them all over the Solar System!  Just the other day, a huge black obelisk suddenly appeared in rush hour traffick and shut down all six lanes for hours!  Oh, this is ridiculous.  I don't want to argue with you, Ed.  If everyone goes about inventing time machines, we'll soon run out of time and have to start looking for a new fourth dimension.  I swear, honey, just try to be reasonable.  Come to the meeting with me and afterwards, I'll buy you a nice new set of golf clubs. Isn't playing golf more fun than all that tinkering you do back there in the shed?"

"I'm not going to face those people and apologize again to the whole neighborhood one at a time! Just go. I'll have some food ready when you get back."

She kissed him on the cheek and left. He leaped from bed when he heard her car start. He peeked through the curtains to make sure she actually pulled away, then quickly got dressed. He had to get down to the shed to check on his 350Z Coupe.  It was his escape if Armageddon did indeed occur.
  Ed reached the doorway as a shadow fell over the front deck. 
  Walking up to the rail, he could tell that something eclipsed the sun.  Was it an obelisk?  Was it the pteradactyl from Maddy's dreams?  Was it the Charlie Brown balloon from the Macy's Day parade, cast astray in the mayhem caused by the obelisk that touched down in Manhattan? At the same time, Ed heard the old Ham radio receiver on the workbench crackle and hiss, and then an unmistakable voice came booming over the loudspeaker.  It was a familiar voice--the same voice he'd heard weeks before, on that fateful evening in February when his world turned upside down.
Ed ran to the old Heathkit, and tweaked the tuning before switching on the transmitter and grasping the mic with both hands.
"I told you to leave me alone!  I've had enough!  Can't you see that that you've gotten me into a world of trouble already?  My wife is on the verge of leaving me!  Over and out!"

"You can't tune me out, Ed," the voice crackled in his ears like the voice of doom.  "You can't EVER tune out or turn me off, Ed.  You created me.  I am now a part of your life.  So what if she leaves you?  You can get another wife, but you'll never be able to replace me."

"Get out!  Get out of my life!"  Ed shouted and yanked the wires from the back of the set.  He held the plug up and looked at the frayed old wires.  "There!  That should do it!"

"Ed?  Ed, are you there?"  the voice sputtered from the speaker.  "Why did you try to kill me? You know I canot die. Not as long as you live."
      Ed's eyes widened as he realized that he had forgotten to take his medication. Even this radio became his enemy now. Madeliene was keeping the neighbors at bay as they prepared the pitchforks to surround his shed. He had wrought much damage in the name of this thin, wiry voice that lived in all the appliances in the house. He knew its name. It came and went like sleek cat on a back fence at midnight.
      He swallowed hard and then turned his back on the voice that continued to accuse him of attempted electronicide. The dreaded voice of his enemy. Yes, he had built the time machine o escape the voice. How was he to know that it would only be a temporary fix?  How was he to know that it would only add more voices to his inner choir?

This one, the voice of H.G. Wells, had started it.  Now the cacophony could include the voice of Thomas Edison one moment, and Bill Gates the next.  It was driving him crazy, and he knew it had to stop.
"Vista. Vista! VISTA!  Vista is an operating system like NO other!"  He clamped his hands over his ears, but it was to no avail.
Over the din in his head, Ed could hear the impassioned pleas of his beloved Maddy, trying desperately to save him from the crowd outside.  He loved her, and yet even she had threatened to turn him over to the authorities.  He could trust no one, it seemed.
Through the open shutter Ed finally saw what had caused the strange shadow that had earlier blotted out the sun.  It was, in fact, the Hindenburg, brought back through the portal by his monstrous machine earlier that day.  From the bow, a slender mooring rope dangled, almost touching the ground.  If he could but reach it before the mob outside Ed latched onto the rope as the behemoth vehicle obscured the sun.  His palms burned from the rope as the gap between land and his feet broadened. 
    In the distance he could hear Vincent Price yelling, "you can't escape me.  Darkness will fall across this land.  The midnight hour will be close at hand."
    Ed tried to hoist further up the rope, but his arms were weak from shoveling the giant hole in his garage.  He thought he wouldn't be able to hold on much longer, when he heard a hiss from above as the rope was hoisted inside the giant Zepplin. 
    Dear God, what was up there? "Welcome to the Nautilus," came a voice.
      It was an Englishman dressed in Raj attire holding a sextant and a compass. He directed six short, hobbit size men to secure the rope, while another presented Ed with a frosty glass of lemonade — pink. Ed stared at the glass. In the reflection he saw Maddy's face. She wept and he could bear it no longer. He didn't care that he was a mile high in a derigible with Nemo and Frodo Baggins. He just wanted to return to Maddy's arms. He came to the airship's brink and then . . .
      The alarm clock boomed, plummeting Ed from his bed, his face smashed to the carpeting.
      "You'll be late," said the woman who kept him company, except her voice was low and gritty.
        Ed hoisted himself onto the mattress expecting to see his adoring Maddy, but The smiling face of Roseanne Barr reared up in front of his horrified eyes. 

"No, no, no!" he shouted and clamped his hands over his ears.  It was more than he could bear.  And she was wearing his underwear on her head... again.  This was getting old and he had to get a grip on reality.  He pushed himself up and ran his hands through his thick, curly hair, squeezing his eyes closed.  He repeated the magick phrase that would take him back to reality. 

"There's no place like home."
"There's no place like home."

 
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#2 ·
When he opened his eyes, he was alone.  The bed was made, the sun was shining brightly through the window and the sweet smell of honeysuckle wafted in from the garden below.  Ed let the breeze play across his body as he stood motionless, gazing down at the manicured lawn, the freshly painted boat house, and the lake beyond.
A sudden movement drew his attention to a young and quite lovely woman, carrying an empty basket toward the garden.  She was pixie-like, wearing a summer dress that blew about in the breeze, occasionally revealing a shapely leg.  Ed smiled--he was ecstatic. Finally he found it, the perfect basket. He couldn't believe his luck. He rushed to the pixie-like women. She saw him coming towards her and stopped waiting expectantly for him to reach her. He was handsome and she wanted to meet him. 

"That basket," he said "I must have it. How much do you want for it?"   

"Umm....oh...ahh..." she sputtered unprepared for this question. “What do you want it for?"

"To but colorful balls of soft silky hanks of . . . balls of . . ."
    He was tongue-tied. Was he having a stroke? The pixie woman spun about, the basket twirling in the wind la la Watteau. he expected to see its content fly aloft and pitch toward the ground. However, the basket was empty, and the woman laughed.
    "This basket holds your dreams."
    "Breams?" he asked. " I smean kreams . . . dreams . . ."
    He was dizzy, both speech and balance failing him. A golden sheen spread before him as he plummeted toward the lawn, the basket catching his head. It clamped over his ears and he heard his Maddy's voice saying, "Honey, you aren't out of bed, yet?  You said if I went to the meeting without you that you'd make some food. Have you even taken your medication?"

Ed sheepishly rolled out of bed, went into the bathroom and took his pills. He spoke to Maddy through the door, "Well, how'd it go?"

"Hmmph! They aren't trying to get us to move anymore, but they wanted your shed torn down. I told them it wouldn't matter; you'd just move the infernal machine into the garage."

"I'm sorry you're having to deal with them because of me, honey," Ed replied, "Since I was so lazy, how about we go out to lunch?  We haven't been to that new Mexican place, yet." Ignoring the six-foot tall pink energizer bunny standing beside Maddy, he awaited her response, and waited for those pills to kick in.

"Okay," Maddy replied, "But when we get back, can we Ed couldn't hear her over the booming of the Energizer Bunny's base drum.  Or was that the blood pumping in his head?  He must have really laid one on last night.  Too much Crown Royal.  His hands reached up to his hair. Even it hurt.  It felt as if he donned a tight basket over his head, but when he looked in the mirror only bloodshot eyes stared back at him mockingly.
    "We can take in a greyhound race at the track."
    Ed thought it was Maddy speaking, but it was the Bunny.  He pounded his drum, smiled and said. "They never catch me.  I keep going and going and going."
    Ed covered his ears.  He couldn't take it anymore.  He grabbed the keys to his sports car and started to the door.  He had to get out of here.
    "Ed, where are you going?" Maddy cried.
    "I'll be back.  I'm going to the "--drug store.  I need some Tylenol."
    Maddy frowned at him.  "Don't tick off that cop again.  You shouldn't have snapped at him like that."
    Ed shook his head groggily, his fingers wrapping around the doorknob.  "I wasn't speeding, Maddy.  And I know a little bit about Deputy Coggins, and how big a jerk he can be on his personal time."
    She twisted her mouth in a wry smile at him. "Just go and get back, okay?  Aunt Ginny's coming over tonight, and I'd like a little help cleaning up."
    He grunted in half-hearted compliance, opening the door, starting toward his prized automobile, then stopped. 
    Something was wrong.  Very wrong.
"You will look. You will look now on what you have wrought."  It was the voice of Rod Serling.

Man, he couldn't wait for those pills to kick in.  He certainly wondered if the warehouse was real. It could very well be as the time machine had been known to change things at odd moments. He knew that when he used it, he changed the past, thus changing the future. However, it seemed as if the changes took awhile to 'catch up'.

Therefore, he was either standing on his front porch or his house was now a warehouse.  Nothing for it but to walk either back into his house or deeper into the warehouse, whichever the case.

He strode quickly toward the tarp, realizing as he walked that since he didn't bump into furniture, his house was now a warehouse.

He reached out to lift the corner of the tarp and gasped when he saw the body of the extraterrestrial that he found beside the rubble of the crashed spacecraft. The same spacecraft where he found the electronic equipment that allowed him to time travel. Ed thought it was his secret, but somebody knew. Who had moved the body of the little green man with the six fingers? He’d buried it in his rose garden, and here it was under the tarp. Something was wrong – something was very wrong. He wondered idly if it was this unearthed body of the space alien that was responsible for the recent poltergeist activity in the neighborhood? He supposed it didn’t matter. What mattered was who knew about it and what they proposed to do. He needed to dispose of the body - again - and fast. He grabbed the tiny space traveler under the place his armpits should be and dragged him across the cement floor. Just then Ed heard footsteps. He whirled around to see Maddy, standing in the doorway with a large assault rifle draped across one shoulder and a 9mm Glock pointed directly at his head.
  "Maddy!  What--"
  "You just couldn't leave it alone, could you, Ed?  Couldn't let sleeping dogs lie.  Well, I've had enough, and I'm going to end it here...now."
  Ed carefully laid the body on the cold concrete floor and raised his hands.
  "You don't understand.  I'm just trying to get to the bottom of all of this.  I have to, Maddy.  It's driving me crazy.  One minute I'm in bed with you, the next it's Rosanne Barr.  Then I'm at the lake, and a moment later I'm here.  Maddy, please--"
  "Sorry, love."  Maddy raised the Glock and smiled, then Ed thought of his mother, her smiling face serving pumpkin spice cookies. The sweet aroma of eglantine and the sharp scent of lavender filled his lungs. Suddenly, Maddy's face had been transformed, first to Mom's, then to Rosanne's, and finally back to Maddy's. Tears ran down the arroyo of her cheeks and she sighed, lowering the Glock.
"I can't do it, Ed," she stammered.
"Yes, you can," he said. "Do it. I can't bear it anymore."
Maddy raised the Glock again, but suddenly an eerie mist drifted between them. Ed lost sight of his love and the Glock and saw the ghost of the extraterrestrial form from the mist.

"No one placed me here, Ed. No one knows your secret. This is where you placed my body. You just don't remember because...well, it's hard to explain. Remember how we are in a warehouse where your house used to be?  Well, that's because you own this warehouse. That's one of the changes you made in the past.  Also, I wasn't quite dead when you buried me in that alternate reality. In this one, you noticed that and tried to save me."

Ed asked, "But, how . . . "
The spectral figure raised a hand.  "More will be revealed in due time, Ed.  For now, understand this: you must leave this place.  Leave, and go far away, until I can communicate with you again.  And beware, Ed.  Trust none, neither friend, nor lover.  Others know what you know-and will not use that knowledge for good."

"But I need more answers!" Ed protested.

"Go now, Ed.  They are coming for you."
 
#3 ·
The mist began to dissolve away revealing the warehouse, just as it was before.  Maddy had collapsed on the floor, and the alien had vanished.  Bewildered, Ed stepped over the woman's prone form, kneeling briefly to check her pulse.  She was alive.
  Ed gingerly removed the handgun from her fingers and thrust it into his belt before running out the door and down the alley.  It was getting dark, and he knew he had to get as far away from this place as possible.  At the far end of the alley, Ed noticed an old man, sitting in the dirt and silently watching him.  He walked briskly toward the man.
"Excuse me, sir, but do you know where this is?  Where am I, exactly?"
The man took a long swig from the bottle in his hand, and shrugged.  "Where do you want it to be?"
Ed scratched his nose, turned out of the alley and headed for the bus station.
    "How much is a one-way ticket to Shaker Heights?" he asked to ticket seller.
    "Well, that depends," the seller said. "If yer mean to go to Shaker Heights, Ohio, that'll be $58.32. If yer mean to go to Shaker Height on Fortunitis Prime, it'll cost nine-three sheknars."
    As far away as you can go.
    "Fortunitis Prime," he said. "But I don't have sheknars."
    "That's fine. Today's rate is 23 cents per sheknar so that'll be $21.33 and seventeen sheknar surcharge for my services, bringing it to a total of $25.24."
    Ed paid and took the ticket.
    "Which way to the bus?"
    "Bus? I believe you mean the transport terminal. You will be beaming to Shaker Heights. Did you want to exchange more money for extra sheknars?  They only take sheknars on Fortunitis Prime."

"Um...yeah?  Well, okay, give me..." Ed checked his wallet, "another forty dollars worth.  What's this about 'beaming'?"

The clerk snickered. "Haven't you ever left your home town?  Geez!  Look turn left when you leave this office and go to the "Beamer's Beamhole" shop down the way. You can buy your suit there."

Ed snatched up his sheknars, thanked the clerk, and exited the office, turning left as instructed.  However, he bumped right into a camel named Dusty.”
A tiny man dressed as a sheik stood next to him. The childlike figure raised his veil. It was the space alien.
“Don’t let them beam you anywhere. You won’t end up in one piece. Ever see “The Fly?” That guy was lucky. Quick use the stepladder. Dusty knows the way.”
Ed moved towards the ladder, but not before Dusty spit in his face showing his disgust for being used for transportation. His lineage was better than Ed’s and he resented having to feel his behind on his back. Ed realized that the ladder wasn’t quite high enough. He jumped up and managed to wriggle into place just as Dusty took off in an awkward, rapid pace. Ed only hoped that he’d be able to give Madeleine the kids she wanted after the end of this ride. He mused about a matter of importance. Why? Why did that race of aliens have an extra finger? God in His infinite wisdom gave humans five, but gave them six? What purpose did it serve? Unless it was for The camel turned his head and looked Ed in the eye.  "Will you please shut up?  I'm telepathic, and I really couldn't care less about your infantile musings!"
The man shook his head and stared back at the camel, wide-eyed.  "How can a camel ta--"
"Oh, please!  I'm not of this world.  I'm from Fortunitis, and we'll both get there much quicker if you zip it and just enjoy the ride!"
Ed nodded slowly and leaned back.  "Oooh kaaay..."
The portal soon loomed large in front of them.  A brightly lit sign over the glowing edifice read, "Jacob's Ladder."  'Dusty' stopped and knelt, so that Ed could step down, and then he abruptly spit on the man once again.  Without a word, the camel then galloped toward the portal, leaving Ed to face his destiny alone.  He brushed at his pants and wondered what was so darned attractive about camel-hair suits?  Looking up at the portal, he realized that he needed to leave a note behind in case some one, somewhere wondered where he had gotten off to.

He took a small notebook and pencil from his pocket and began to scribble a note to Madelein.

"Dear Madaliene, I just wanted you to know that..." the pencil lead broke.  Ed sighed and then in a fit of passion, threw the notebook at the shimmering surface of the portal.  The note book struck the silvery film, stretched it inwards a bit and then rebounded, flying over his head like a missile.  Ed ducked and then wiped his brow.  'Well, here goes,' he thought and took off running at the portal. 

He struck the film of silvery material and broke through, disappearing into another dimension, leaving behind his suspenders, his trousers, his tee shirt, his boots and his underwear.  His watch clinked to the ground and lay ticking as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

The camel, Dusty, slid to a stop near the portal with a special transporting suit from Beamer's.  He dropped the suit and snuffled the watch lying in the dust.  He looked up at the portal and said "Talk about a rebirth. Naked as his first day on this planet." The camel spit in the general direction of an innocent passerby and.


Chapter Two

Fortunitis Prime was was known in the Zebula region for its Kilbraith tea and bitter melon pie. These were a specialty of Shaker Heights, so named for its ocassional ground trembl and water swells. Downtown was much like any town on Fortunitis — water taxis lashed to moorings and flocks of Bornaks perched at every intersection. The Bornks here were not very tasty, so the residents of Shaker Heights were vegetarians. Morning brought Verna Lipkin to the water's edge where he couldn't believe what he saw.
Roughly a hundred ganks from the shore, there was a bright flash just above the water's surface, and a split farnak later a strange creature was splashing about, his odd pink skin glistening under the light of twin suns.  Verna watched for a moment, his mouths agape at the spectacle, before racing to one of the taxis and pointing toward the the naked man on a raft. He had a large sign around his neck that said, “Will Work for Food.” Verna knew this was tantamount to blasphemy since work had been forbidden in Fortunitis Prime over 10,000 years ago. Verna should know since his was the first signature on the mandate that forbade it.

Verna heard the loud cry of the black spacecraft that now patrolled their peaceful sector of the galaxy. It was part of the merciless planetary police force that was formerly known as Blackwater. Verna knew they’d grown too big for their britches. He’d see about doing something about them, but first needed to tend to the nude intruder. He paddled towards Ed who meekly smiled and asked Baron!  Come with me!"
Divney turned and exited the cell, then stood aside as Ed and Dusty entered the low corridor.  The Chief then moved to the fore, leading the hapless prisoners through the bowels of the ship until they arrived at a large, circular doorway.  Chief Divney removed a needlelike instrument from around his neck and inserted it into a pinhole in the center of the door.  A sharp click signaled the release of some internal latch, which was soon followed by a low rumble as the door slid into the wall.  Sitting behind a crystalline desk in the middle of the room was the last person Ed expected to see--

"Jeff Bezos?! You're the Baron?"

"Of course.  Hey, you didn't buy those nasty coveralls on Amazon, did you?"

"Um...no..Someone gave them to me and the zipper stuck and..."

"Oh, well, next time shop Amazon! Now, Divney, what's going on here?"

"Mr. Bezos, these two are the fulfillment of prophecy number "....716, Section A, Code 3."
The Baron carefully looked over the two men, then back at Divney.  "Are you sure about this?"
Divney's pig-porked head jiggled with a nod.  "At least, that's how it looks on the surface."
Ed put his hands up.  "Look... I'm not sure where all this is going...  I had a bad dream and woke up to this nightmare.  My wife had a Glock pointed at my head, I've talked to an alien ghost, and I'm on a submarine in an unknown world going Heaven knows where!  I just want to go home."
The Baron snorted at him.  "Home!? This is your home, boy.  Ask your twin!"
Divney spoke up.  "He may need to go to... re-education, Baron."
Dusty let out an audible gasp.  The Baron gave a solemn nod.  "I hope not... but it will certainly be an option to consider."
Ed looked at Dusty "Alright, 'brother', what's re-education?"
Dusty grimaced in his endearing camel-like manner and leaned close to Ed's ear.  His prickly lips brushing Ed's earlobe in an almost obscene embrace.  Ed could smell the peanuts on his breath.

"It's where they send bad boys and girls!" Dusty whispered.

"And so what are you?!" Ed asked in disgust.  "A bad boy or a bad girl?"

"I'm a girl, silly!" Dusty pursed her lips and winked.  "I was named after Dusty Springfield.  Anyhow, re-education is where we have to go back to Kindergarten and start all over in school like Adam Sandler in Billy Madison."

"Holy Sahara!” Ed shouted trying to keep his comments to pejorative exclamations his twin could relate to. “Well, that’s not too bad. I had fun in kindergarten and first grade and second … and then it all went south.”
“Listen, you moron … and did I tell you I deeply resent being called your twin? The point is that before they send us for ‘re-education,’ they first strip us of every scintilla of information in our brains which in your case won’t take that long. That means removing everything: our thoughts, our memories and our identities! Still think it’s a good idea?”
Ed stiffened with the prospect of being no more. He liked being a big, smelly idiot and having everyone pick up after him. He wasn’t perfect, but he was  shining example of his species--or at least his gender--and he liked it that way.
Ed was shaking uncontrollably as he turned once again to face the Baron.
"Please, sir.  I have nothing to do with any prophecy.  I have no idea why I'm here, and I just want to get back to my home, take my meds, and move on with my life.  Please--"
Baron Bezos just grinned and shook his head.  "I'm sorry, but that's quite out of the question.  The portal's one-way.  You can never get back.  The other portal--the return portal--broke down last week and I don't think it can be fixed.  The Geek Squad guys just can't figure it out."
"So how do you manage your company?  Surely you can't do everything from here?"  Ed began wishing he'd wake up from this dream soon.  It was getting to be just too much.
 
#4 ·
Bezos laughed. "Of course I can. I use Skype!"
Suddenly, the room began to spin, and Ed felt his stomach start to lurch toward his throat. This was just too much.

Ed decided to go for broke when he saw Miss Gulch riding a bicycle outside a porthole. When she turned into the Wicked Witch and lauged at him, he broke away and ran toward the portal as fast as he could, hoping for the best, fearing the worst as his head smashed into the heavily reinforced glass.

An errant ray of sunlight fell from the window across his eyes and he blinked them open slowly, afraid that he would see Dusty standing over him, chewing her cud and snorffling at fleas.

Instead of the camel, he was greatly relieved to see the pixie-like woman sans the basket. There was a touch of evil in expression today.
Ed lay on the muddy ground next to the lake. She pointed out to the disturbance in the middle of the normally quiet, murky water.
"It demands a sacrifice. We must find one."
"It? What's an it?"
"The lake monster. We must appease it with a sacrifice or it will destroy our city."
Oh, not this now! It had been years since that cranky, old monster demanded anything other than a few carp and leftover hot dogs. Who would they get? Everyone knew that it had to be someone Steve Brody peered out the window at his neighbor's Ed's shed. It was often a noisy place and disturbed him at all hours but it was positively boisterous today. Brody worked nights at the Pilgrim Laundry, so daytime was snozetime. But not today.
"Mildred," he shouted.
"What?" came a harpy answer from downstairs.
"Didn't they have that meeting?"
"What meeting?"
"The one to get rid of that son of a . . . what do you mean, what meeting? Mildred?"
Silence, both downstairs and outside at the shed. The world was still - too still for sleeping.
Steve snatched his pants and tried to put them on while simultaneously hopping down the stairs.
"Mildred?" No answer. The front door was open, and just outside the entrance Steve noticed his wife's broken necklace, pearls strewn across the sidewalk and into the yard.
Now very concerned, the man slipped on his shoes and ran down the driveway, scanning the street for any sign of the woman. She was nowhere to be found.
Suddenly, a low rumbling sound began to emanate from around back; Steve sprinted to the side of the house and saw Mildred banging on the door to his neighbor's shack. She was barefoot, her hair was a mess and her apron was on backwards.

"Milly!" Steve shouted and ran toward her, but she did not hear him.

The rumbling noise was growing louder and louder and he could feel the ground shaking under his feet. Just as he reached his wife, the door opened and a black rectangle loomed beyond her. She stopped pounding on the door facing and stood stock still, staring up in front of her.

Steve grabbed her and shoved her in front of him, rolling over her in a tangle of arms and legs just as the monster's head emerged from the dark opening.

Milly screamed and Steve shouted a multitude of cursewords as they gaped in horror at the the head of a giant great white shark.

Oh no, not again, Steve thought. You see, Steve was the descendant of Police Chief Martin Brody of Amity Island, Massachusetts. This great white followed him everywhere, and a silly thing like dry land was no obstacle.

"Get back, Milly. I know just what this creature needs." Steve reached into his pocket and pulled out a small bottle of Oxi-Clean someone had left by one of the washing machines at the laundromat. Giving it a quick shake, he unscrewed the lid and dumped the entire bottle down the gullet of the shark.
"Stand back!"
Steve grabbed his wife by the apron strings and hauled her out into the yard just as foam began to erupt from every orifice of the poor shark. Soon it was all over except for the clean up job, and he was certainly not going to stick around for that. Turning, Steve was about to help his distraught wife over the fence when a bright flash nearby caused him to freeze in his tracks. It was Ed! He stood near the fence snapping pictures of Milly and Steve with his old Brownie camera.

"Aha!" he shouted maniacally as Steve threw one hand across his eyes to shield them from the blinding glare.

Milly screamed at the sight of Maddie standing on the back stoop with a Glock in her hand, grinning wildly.

"Now we have you!" Ed said as he lowered the camera and shook it at his startled neighbors. "Perverts! Peeking Toms! I'll be showing these pictures around at the next homeowners association meeting and then we'll see who has to do what around these parts!"

"I know'd you since you was a kid!" Maddie spoke up in an accent that neither Steve, nor Milly had heard before. "Ye're a descendant of that fellow from Amity. Sheriffe Brody! He kilt my brother and now ye're gonna pay, mister!"

"But how did you know?!" Steve cried in alarm. He had told no one about his ancestors except that Camel at Busch Gardens. It looked so innocent, standing there chomping on the food pebbles he fed it. He almost thought he heard it speak, but then again he'd already made his fifth trip to the beer garden after that run-in with the shark in Tampa Bay. He was on a Carnival cruise with Milly and could see the cursed beast chasing down the ship, its smile laced with a few license plates stuck between its teeth.

So Steve was stressed by the time he reached Busch Gardens, and yes, he drunkenly spilled the whole saga of the shark to a camel that listened for twenty-five cents a handful of food pebbles. But now, Maddie in her back-woods, swamp voice was confronting him. He had to get Milly away before she heard too much of this.

He grabbed Milly by the arm, but stopped when a strong breeze overhead ruffled his hair. A giant pterodactyle was circling them...and it looked hungry Ed peered up into the sky. It wasn't any pterodactyl… it was Rodan! Rodan, Billy Madison, Sheriff Brody? These were all references to popular culture of various decades. Ed had it! The alien warned him. These out-of-sync experiences were meant to make him think he was crazy. They were distracting him just enough to allow someone to get their fat mitts on his time machine.
A loud steady blare came from the shed. Someone had tripped the alarm. Ed watched in horror as a figure cloaked in black slithered away from it shouting, "My Precious! O my Precious has returned!
Ed turned to give chase, but ran smack dab into Mrs. Feinster, the Librarian and his old English teacher. It was then that Ed realized that he wasn't on a Carlos Casteneda trip, but suffering from a superannuated imagination stimulated by massive exposure to Mrs. Feinster's class and too many Saturday Matinees. However, if none of this was real, then how could explain the aroma of camel. He waved his hands about, like a direcor ending a scene. He slammed his hand into the shed's side, and then pirouetted toward the house. It was there, and all was quiet, except for the long line of protesters encircling the property. They walked slowly, silently, watching Ed and carrying large white signs which he read as they passed.
"If you want-- / to know what's happening-- / look deeply-- / into the basket..."
Ed reeled about and fell to the ground. There, not five feet distant, was the basket previously dropped by the petite woman with great legs. He crawled to the small wicker basket and peered inside. He couldn't quite believe what he saw.

There in the basket was a window to the universe. He saw galaxies, stars, planets, nebulae. It was like looking at Hubble space telescope pictures on these were moving as if he were watching a live feed.

He was speeding through space toward some final destination that came into view and he recognized the magnificent blue, white, brown and green sphere of earth. He saw the cloud of space junk surrounding his beautiful home planet. He zoomed past the international space station down through the atmosphere toward the North American continent, through clouds, past jetliners and then suddenly he was hovering above his own backyard. He saw himself looking in the basket.

Ed looked up slowly afraid to see what might be above him, looking down. But he was pleasantly surprised to see himself hovering above his yard.

"Hey, Ed!" he said and waved.

"Hey, Ed!" he said and waved.

"Hey!" he frowned.

"Hey!" he frowned and he was back in bed looking at the morning light streaming through the window. He felt the comfortable weight of Madeleine next to him wheezing like a heifer. Ed turned to cuddle spoon-style. He was having trouble getting his arm around her and her legs were a little rough. It felt like she hadn't shaved them in oh, 1, 2 … make that 12 years. Something was wrong. He grabbed her forcefully shoving her over. Dusty lay there looking up at him with half-closed eyes and a mouth made for kissin'.
"Loopsie, doopsie, poopsie-woopsie," she murmured lovingly. "Was it good for you?"
"Nooooooooooo!" screamed Ed. "Get out now!"
"You want me to leave? But I just here!" Madeleine said laughingly as she entered the room. She'd brought him a cup of morning coffee. She put it on the nightstand.
Ed looked and saw Dusty was gone. Maybe he'd only imagined her.
Madeleine grabbed a clump of golden camel hair off the sheets, "What's this?
Ed grinned.
"A souvinir from Shaker Heights."

Next Chapter Continues at

http://www.kboards.com/index.php/topic,13900.msg268470.html#msg268470

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