Author Topic: Hey wolves, please gnaw on this blurb  (Read 354 times)  

Offline CynthiaClay

  • Status: Jane Austen
  • ***
  • Posts: 251
    • View Profile
    • Cynthia Joyce Clay
Hey wolves, please gnaw on this blurb
« on: November 26, 2017, 11:47:49 AM »
Blurb for Banishment: Book Three of the Saga of the Dragon Born:

Banished from her fathers kingdom of Allsongs, Tristab-airta must find a mentor so that she can advance in her magical training. But no one wants to teach a miscreant, especially one who pulled up ten waterspouts and destroyed a village with them. On the road alone and prey to griffons, ruffians, and worst of all a frightening god who lusts for her, Tristab-airta must find a way to do penance and improve her control over her magic. And Allsongs? Allsongs must prepare for a truly terrible winter, the worst the mild, warm climate has ever faced, and its new heirs to the throne must protect Allsongs from enemy kings and their own dragon natures.

Thank you for your comments!

Thanks for supporting my art.
Cynthia Joyce Clay | Cynthia Joyce Clay's Blog | Plays I've Filmed | Cynthia Joyce Clay's Blog

Online RedAlert

  • Status: Jane Austen
  • ***
  • Posts: 281
    • View Profile
Re: Hey wolves, please gnaw on this blurb
« Reply #1 on: November 27, 2017, 02:47:28 AM »
It's kinda disjointed.  Starts off talking about banishment, but that is never explained.  I gather that it has something to do with that inconvenient village, but it doesn't quite connect.  I suppose that, because this is the third book, it was explained in the first two books, which I haven't read.

"...magical training..." well, is it training in magic, or is the training, whatever it is, just magical?

Also, if you strip away all the descriptive words for the beings that she is meeting, the main action is bland, "do penance and improve her control over her magic."  I don't want to read about improvements; I want bloody action.  Also, she may be on the road, but it seems like the road doesn't go anywhere.  Whatever action there is seems to be still in Allsongs.  Perhaps the road circles the kingdom.

I believe there should be a paragraph after "control over her magic."  And, all of a sudden, there are "new heirs to the throne."  What, where did they come from?  Who are they?

"..a truly terrible winter..."  followed by "the worst the" "mild, warm climate" doesn't work due to the fact that "mild" and "warm" are what the reader is left with, not any description or explanation for what is a "truly terrible winter."  So, the sting is gone. There was potential there, what with the heroine being banished and the citizens of the kingdom perhaps needing her help, which could have led to a resolution of her main problem (which seems to be learning magic on the road outside the kingdom.)  But, we moved on to the new heirs fighting other kings and I guess, fighting amongst themselves?  How does our heroine fit in there?

And, what kind of ending to the blurb is that?  It now seems like a laundry list that is not really connected to what our heroine is doing.  I want those "new heirs" opposed!  I want outrage!  Maybe the "truly terrible winter" is --OMG --her visible rage!  Or, maybe the lustful g-d is manifesting himself in the worst possible way!  It has to be something more than a weather forecaster on the nightly news.

But, let's say it is just a weather-related event.  Why mention it at all?  It seems like enemy kings would be more important.

The story is shaping up to be like a seige, with our heroine poised to save the day.  Seige stories can be exiting, dramatic, with lots of potential to draw the reader in and make them wonder what-the-heck is going on and who will win.  Only you know that, and what the story is really about.

The blurb right now will make the reader work really, really hard to analyze what you have said, and to try to understand what you're getting at.  It is disjointed, kinda flappy, and doesn't flow.  And, although usually blurbs are overexplained and too long, maybe yours would benefit by a short, third paragraph wrapping it up.

So, the g-d is lustful, eh? Is this adult fantasy? I didn't really read anything after the word, lustful...it kinda superceded everything else, the image of them doing it in the road, and all...might be something I'd like to read...

Good luck!

Offline Dennis Chekalov

  • Status: Jane Austen
  • ***
  • Posts: 365
    • View Profile
Re: Hey wolves, please gnaw on this blurb
« Reply #2 on: November 27, 2017, 04:04:22 AM »
Quote
Banishment: Book Three of the Saga of the Dragon Born:

Don't forget to start with this.
People should know that it's the Bopk 3

Quote
Banished from her father's kingdom of Allsongs, Tristab'airta

Good.

Quote
must find a mentor so that she can advance in her magical training. But no one wants to teach a miscreant,

Good, but make it shorter.

Quote
especially one who pulled up ten waterspouts and destroyed a village with them.

No.

Quote
On the road alone and prey to griffons, ruffians,

Good.

Quote
and worst of all a frightening god who lusts for her,

Make it shorter.

Quote
Tristab'airta must find a way to do penance

Why is it so important?
Does she feel guilt? So tell us about this.

Quote
and improve her control over her magic.

We know this already.

Quote
And Allsongs? Allsongs must prepare for a truly terrible winter, the worst the mild, warm climate has ever faced

Winter is coming, then.
Not sure whether we need this allusion here.

Quote
and its new heirs to the throne must protect Allsongs from enemy kings and their own dragon natures.

Too vague.

(1) Tell us more about the stakes.
(2) Tell us more about the antagonist.
(3) Tell us more about the conflict.

Just my two cents.
Good luck!
« Last Edit: November 27, 2017, 04:07:23 AM by Dennis Chekalov »
Beta Reading & Developmental Editing Services. Free sample edit up to 1000 words.

Online Jena H

  • Status: Edgar Allan Poe
  • *******
  • Posts: 6278
  • North Carolina
  • Desperate character
    • View Profile
Re: Hey wolves, please gnaw on this blurb
« Reply #3 on: November 27, 2017, 05:27:39 AM »
Blurb for Banishment: Book Three of the Saga of the Dragon Born:

Banished from her fathers kingdom of Allsongs, Tristab-airta must find a mentor so that she can advance in her magical training. But no one wants to teach a miscreant, especially one who pulled up ten waterspouts and destroyed a village with them. On the road alone and prey to griffons, ruffians, and worst of all a frightening god who lusts for her, Tristab-airta must find a way to do penance and improve her control over her magic. And Allsongs? Allsongs must prepare for a truly terrible winter, the worst the mild, warm climate has ever faced, and its new heirs to the throne must protect Allsongs from enemy kings and their own dragon natures.

Thank you for your comments!

I agree with RedAlert that the mention of banishment comes from left field, and is left dangling without explanation.  That's not necessarily a bad thing, though--after all, the blurb is supposed to make us want to read a book, so a mystery hook isn't too unexpected.

What I do find odd is that the first half of the blurb is about Trista, who seems to be the MC, and we're apparently supposed to identify and sympathize with her.  But then comes info about Allsongs.  Why should we care about that place?  Not only does she no longer live there, but they kicked her out, and the Powers That Be don't seem concerned about what happens to her.  Yes, I'm sure Trista has friends/family there, but the reader doesn't have any ties to Allsongs, so why should we care?  If Trista is worried about her old homeland, tell us about it in that context, but don't ask us to care about it.  At the very least, make that part into a separate paragraph.


*I can't type out Trista's full name every time-- don't envy you that.   :P
Jena

Offline SarahCarter

  • Status: Jane Austen
  • ***
  • Posts: 430
  • Gender: Female
  • London, UK
  • Fantasy and YA author
    • View Profile
    • Sarah Carter
Re: Hey wolves, please gnaw on this blurb
« Reply #4 on: November 27, 2017, 09:36:45 AM »
Quote
especially one who pulled up ten waterspouts and destroyed a village with them.

I'm not sure what "pulled up ten waterspouts" means and it's just left me confused, so I'd suggest cutting that.

Quote
Allsongs must prepare for a truly terrible winter, the worst the mild, warm climate has ever faced

This sentence becomes a bit clumsy when you talk about the "mild, warm climate". I'd just put: "Allsongs must prepare for the worst winter it has ever faced"

Quote
and its new heirs to the throne must protect Allsongs from enemy kings and their own dragon natures.

Who are these new heirs? They sound important, but they're not mentioned by name.

Also, I think it's all a bit too vague. It sounds like a good read, but I'm left wondering what the overall plot is.

Good luck!


Offline CynthiaClay

  • Status: Jane Austen
  • ***
  • Posts: 251
    • View Profile
    • Cynthia Joyce Clay
Re: Hey wolves, please gnaw on this blurb
« Reply #5 on: November 27, 2017, 06:20:39 PM »
All these comments are very, very helpful. Thanks! ;)

Thanks for supporting my art.
Cynthia Joyce Clay | Cynthia Joyce Clay's Blog | Plays I've Filmed | Cynthia Joyce Clay's Blog

Offline CynthiaClay

  • Status: Jane Austen
  • ***
  • Posts: 251
    • View Profile
    • Cynthia Joyce Clay
Re: Hey wolves, please gnaw on this blurb
« Reply #6 on: November 28, 2017, 09:11:50 AM »
As a result of your comments, here's my next go:

In this third book in The Saga of the Dragon Born, Tristab-airta, banished from her fathers kingdom of Allsongs, must find a mentor so that she can advance in her training in magic. But no one wants to teach a miscreant, especially one who pulled from the ocean ten waterspouts and destroyed a village with them. On the road alone and prey to griffons, ruffians, and a frightening god who lusts for her, Tristab-airta must find a way to improve her control over her magic.
And Allsongs? Allsongs must prepare for a truly terrible winter, having banished the one person with the magical ability to right the weatherTristab-airta.  The poets have always said Tristab-airta is Allsongs best defense, so having her driven her out, the new heirs of Allsongs must protect Allsongs from enemy kings and their own dragon natures on their own. Despite the kings decree, Tristab-airtas milk sister Em keeps in touch with Tristab-airta and gives her what help her magic can.

Thanks for gnawing on this one!
« Last Edit: November 29, 2017, 03:05:45 PM by CynthiaClay »

Thanks for supporting my art.
Cynthia Joyce Clay | Cynthia Joyce Clay's Blog | Plays I've Filmed | Cynthia Joyce Clay's Blog

Online missbedora

  • Status: Dr. Seuss
  • *
  • Posts: 41
  • Gender: Female
  • Canada
    • View Profile
Re: Hey wolves, please gnaw on this blurb
« Reply #7 on: November 29, 2017, 10:08:35 AM »
Just a former lurker chiming in...

I find the part about the waterspouts disjointed and distracting, I might suggest taking them out. Maybe "village-destroying miscreant?"

Also the last sentence feels like it's missing a word at the end. Perhaps "what help her magic can offer/provide?"

Offline Gregg Bell

  • Status: Scheherazade
  • *****
  • Posts: 1848
  • Gender: Male
  • Itasca, Illinois
    • View Profile
    • greggbell.net
Re: Hey wolves, please gnaw on this blurb
« Reply #8 on: November 29, 2017, 11:07:18 AM »
Try this to get rid of those distracting symbols. https://dan.hersam.com/tools/smart-quotes.html

"When people agree with me I always feel that I must be wrong." Oscar Wilde
Gregg Bell | Website | Amazon author page | Blog | Twitter | Google+ | Facebook