Author Topic: Critique my blurb please? [Romance]  (Read 814 times)  

Offline MajesticMonkey

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Critique my blurb please? [Romance]
« on: February 12, 2017, 05:09:41 PM »
Once upon a time...

But, gritty, hard-nosed newspaper stories don't start out that way.  It's cold, hard facts all the way...

Too bad "all the way" was exactly where I had gone with all-star bad boy with a shady past, Lennox Hardy.  It was only supposed to be a brief time-out, a moment to catch my breath in my driving scramble to live up to Ma's dreams and expectations.  College.  Career.  Pulitzer.  Instead of catching my breath, though, the sexy quarterback takes my breath away...and leaves me with a parting gift...with delivery in nine months.

Too bad he had absolutely nothing to do with it.

It's double-trouble when I discover Lennox has an identical twin.  One who's not above pretending to be his red-hot jock brother, just to get a piece of ass.  But, Logan Masten is no team player.  The budding politician has his own playbook...and he plays dirty.  Really dirty.

Lennox is used to cleaning up Logan's dirty little messes...and when that includes me, I'm only too happy to turn the ball over and agree to move in with Lennox and pretend my baby is actually his...just to get the killer expose every other journalist is salivating over, and can't seem to get.

But, what do I do when the only thing I seem to be exposing is how hard I'm falling for him?

But that's another story...
« Last Edit: February 12, 2017, 05:16:06 PM by MajesticMonkey »

Offline Diane Darcy

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Re: Critique my blurb please? [Romance]
« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2017, 05:53:07 PM »
Other than the issue listed below, I like it. I just tightened/changed a few words.


Once upon a time...

Except, gritty, hard-nosed newspaper stories don't start out that way.  It's cold, hard facts all the way, all the time...

Too bad all the way was exactly where I had gone with all-star bad boy, Lennox Hardy.  It was only supposed to be a brief time-out, a moment to catch my breath in my driving scramble to live up to Ma's dreams and expectations.  College.  Career.  Pulitzer.  Instead of catching my breath, though, the sexy quarterback takes my breath away...and leaves me with a parting gift...delivery in nine months.

Too bad he had absolutely nothing to do with it.

It's double-trouble when I discover Lennox has an identical twin.  One who's not above pretending to be his red-hot jock brother, just to get a piece of ass.  But, Logan Masten is no team player.  The budding politician has his own playbook...and he plays dirty.  Really dirty.

Lennox is used to cleaning up Logan's messes...and when that includes me, I'm only too happy to turn the ball over and agree to move in with Lennox and (**pretend my baby is actually his...just to get the killer expose every other journalist is salivating over, and can't seem to get.**) (*Im a voracious romance reader and you just lost me with this. Can she have some good/sympathetic motivation? Shes now become a user like his brother. Hero seems like a nice guy.*)

But, what do I do when the only thing I seem to be exposing is how hard I'm falling for him?

Is there any way to turn this mess into a happily ever after?

Offline MajesticMonkey

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Re: Critique my blurb please? [Romance]
« Reply #2 on: February 12, 2017, 06:50:17 PM »
Diane, thanks so much for your amazing rewrite and suggestions! It means a lot! I'll have a think on them and incorporate them in my revision.


Any thoughts on this alternative blurb?


Sex and spice, and everything cold as ice.  That's what Lennox Hardy is made of. 

At least, those are the cold hard facts I discover when one night of indiscretion reads like a tabloid headline and I get knocked up by the womanizing bad boy and Sacramento Cougars' quarterback...

...and he can't even remember me.

It's the story of a lifetime when I become wedged between identical twins with a shady past and an even shadier future as one brother plots and the other fights to gain control over a consuming rage. 

The real story is...will love consume us first?

Offline MajesticMonkey

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Re: Critique my blurb please? [Romance]
« Reply #3 on: February 13, 2017, 07:10:21 AM »
What do you think about this motivation?


Once upon a time...

Except, gritty, hard-nosed newspaper stories don't start out that way.  It's cold, hard facts all the way, all the time...

Too bad all the way was exactly where I had gone with all-star bad boy, Lennox Hardy.  It was only supposed to be a brief time-out, a moment to catch my breath in my driving scramble to live up to Ma's dreams and expectations.  College.  Career.  Pulitzer.  Instead of catching my breath, though, the sexy quarterback takes my breath away...and leaves me with a parting gift...delivery in nine months.

Too bad he had absolutely nothing to do with it.

It's double-trouble when I discover Lennox has an identical twin.  One who's not above pretending to be his red-hot jock brother, just to get a piece of ass.  But, Logan Masten is no team player.  The budding politician has his own playbook...and he plays dirty.  Really dirty.

Lennox is used to cleaning up Logan's messes...and when that includes me, my inner newshound howls. I make a play of my own and agree to move in with Lennox and pretend my baby is actually his...to expose just what his brother is up to and why Lennox is so hell bent on protecting him.

But, what do I do when the only thing I seem to be exposing is how hard I'm falling for him?

Is there any way to turn this mess into a happily ever after?

Offline plumstead

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Re: Critique my blurb please? [Romance]
« Reply #4 on: February 13, 2017, 07:36:47 AM »
Much better. Now I'm cheering for the heroine. One suggestion I'd make is tell us a bit more about the real Lennox. I get both brothers are hot, and I get Logan's personality, but Lennox needs that extra bit of interest beyond his looks. I want to cheer for the hero, too.

(Disclaimer: I'm horrible with blurbs, but I do read romance, and I know what makes me pick up a novel)

Offline This Orbital Life

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Re: Critique my blurb please? [Romance]
« Reply #5 on: February 13, 2017, 08:11:50 AM »
I think they're both fantastic but I prefer the alternative blurb over the longer original one - it's tighter and I would be more likely to buy/read the book after reading that shorter blurb than the longer one.

However!! I am not a regular romance reader. After reading some of the other comments in this thread, I suspect romance readers would want the extra detail in the longer blurb.

Another comment - both blurbs do a good job of raising questions in my mind. How is Lennox persuaded that he is the father when at first he "had absolutely nothing to do with it"? How can Lennox and Logan be identical twins with different last names - there is probably an interesting back story there? Curiouser and curiouser! I might just read it to find all this out and I hope others will too.

Offline Diane Darcy

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Re: Critique my blurb please? [Romance]
« Reply #6 on: February 13, 2017, 12:16:40 PM »
I love the motivation changes you made! Well done. I actually like both blurbs, but I think I like the second one even better. You got me at the line ...and he can't even remember me.  =)

Offline MajesticMonkey

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Re: Critique my blurb please? [Romance]
« Reply #7 on: February 13, 2017, 01:50:12 PM »
Really appreciate all feedback (on both blurbs). Unfortunately, I just realized I included a pretty big spoiler in the rewrite. 

How do you like this rewrite? (TIA!)

Additional question on the alternative blurb, if I may... is it clear that the story isn't about a menage? (This story is just M/F not MFM.)


Once upon a time...

Except, gritty, hard-nosed newspaper stories don't start out that way.  It's cold, hard facts all the way, all the time...

Too bad all the way was exactly where I had gone with all-star bad boy, Lennox Hardy.  It was only supposed to be a brief time-out, a moment to catch my breath in my driving scramble to live up to Ma's dreams and expectations.  College.  Career.  Pulitzer.  Instead of catching my breath, though, the sexy quarterback takes my breath away...and leaves me with a parting gift...delivery in nine months.

Too bad he had absolutely nothing to do with it.

It's double-trouble when I discover Lennox has an identical twin.  One who's not above pretending to be his red-hot jock brother, just to get a piece of ass.  But, Logan Masten is no team player.  The budding politician has his own playbook...and he plays dirty.  Really dirty.

Lennox is used to cleaning up Logan's messes...and when that includes me, my inner newshound howls. I make a play of my own and agree to move in with Lennox and pretend my baby is actually his...to expose the secret of the brothers' past and why Lennox is so hell bent on protecting his sibling.

But, what do I do when the only thing I seem to be exposing is how hard I'm falling for him?

Is there any way to turn this mess into a happily ever after?
« Last Edit: February 13, 2017, 01:57:47 PM by MajesticMonkey »

Offline JessicaPAuthor

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Re: Critique my blurb please? [Romance]
« Reply #8 on: February 13, 2017, 02:08:46 PM »
Diane, thanks so much for your amazing rewrite and suggestions! It means a lot! I'll have a think on them and incorporate them in my revision.


Any thoughts on this alternative blurb?


Sex and spice, and everything cold as ice.  That's what Lennox Hardy is made of. 

At least, those are the cold hard facts I discover when one night of indiscretion reads like a tabloid headline and I get knocked up by the womanizing bad boy and Sacramento Cougars' quarterback...

...and he can't even remember me.

It's the story of a lifetime when I become wedged between identical twins with a shady past and an even shadier future as one brother plots and the other fights to gain control over a consuming rage. 

The real story is...will love consume us first?

LOVE this new iteration. Tighter, sexier, and clearer. Clever, too. For the last bit, I'd include some sort of "twist".  As in: "It's the twist of a lifetime when I learn Lennox has a twin brother with a shady past - and a penchant for impersonating his famous twin to land some ass..." Something like that. But overall, very well done!
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Offline JessicaPAuthor

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Re: Critique my blurb please? [Romance]
« Reply #9 on: February 13, 2017, 02:21:57 PM »
Really appreciate all feedback (on both blurbs). Unfortunately, I just realized I included a pretty big spoiler in the rewrite. 

How do you like this rewrite? (TIA!)

Additional question on the alternative blurb, if I may... is it clear that the story isn't about a menage? (This story is just M/F not MFM.)


Once upon a time...

Except, gritty, hard-nosed newspaper stories don't start out that way.  It's cold, hard facts all the way, all the time...

Too bad all the way was exactly where I had gone with all-star bad boy, Lennox Hardy.  It was only supposed to be a brief time-out, a moment to catch my breath in my driving scramble to live up to Ma's dreams and expectations.  College.  Career.  Pulitzer.  Instead of catching my breath, though, the sexy quarterback takes my breath away...and leaves me with a parting gift...delivery in nine months.

Too bad he had absolutely nothing to do with it.

It's double-trouble when I discover Lennox has an identical twin.  One who's not above pretending to be his red-hot jock brother, just to get a piece of ass.  But, Logan Masten is no team player.  The budding politician has his own playbook...and he plays dirty.  Really dirty.

Lennox is used to cleaning up Logan's messes...and when that includes me, my inner newshound howls. I make a play of my own and agree to move in with Lennox and pretend my baby is actually his...to expose the secret of the brothers' past and why Lennox is so hell bent on protecting his sibling.

But, what do I do when the only thing I seem to be exposing is how hard I'm falling for him?

Is there any way to turn this mess into a happily ever after?

Ah! Just saw this last version. Here's how I'd play it - you've got some really great stuff here (like, I really want to read this book!), but it is a tad long. Maybe try something in between the two versions. I'd also put a disclaimer at the end of the blurb telling readers it's not menage.

Sex and spice, and everything cold as ice.  That's what football star Lennox Hardy is made of. 

At least, those are the cold, hard facts I discover when one night of indiscretion reads like a tabloid headline and I get knocked up by the womanizing bad boy and Sacramento Cougars' quarterback...

...and he can't even remember me.

It's double-trouble when I discover Lennox has an identical twin.  One who's not above pretending to be his red-hot jock brother, just to get a piece of ass.  But Logan Masten is no team player.  The budding politician has his own playbook, and he plays dirty.

Really dirty.

Lennox is used to cleaning up Logan's messes...and when that includes me, my inner newshound howls. To investigate the secrets I know the Masten brothers are hiding, I make a play of my own and agree to move in with Lennox and pretend my baby is actually his.

But when the only investigating I do happens with our clothes off, I know my plan has gone seriously awry...
Author of Smexy Study Abroad Romance
Jessica Peterson | Website | Facebook | Newsletter | Twitter

Offline MajesticMonkey

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Re: Critique my blurb please? [Romance]
« Reply #10 on: February 13, 2017, 03:34:24 PM »
Thank you so much, Jessica. I truly means a lot. I'm speechless... wow... not finding the words right now to tell you how grateful I am. :)
« Last Edit: February 13, 2017, 03:36:18 PM by MajesticMonkey »

Offline MajesticMonkey

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Re: Critique my blurb please? [Romance]
« Reply #11 on: February 15, 2017, 04:26:36 PM »
How do you like this one? Would love to hear some feedback on this new iteration.


"Once upon a time..."
 
Yeah...this is not that kind of story. Hard-nosed newspaper stories don't start out like that. The facts are hard and cold like ice cubes in stiff drinks, each and every time. Funny that, "stiff and hard" is exactly how I ended up in this mess with all-star bad boy, Lennox Hardy...
 
It was only supposed to be a brief time-out, a moment to catch my breath after years of chasing after Ma's expectations for my life. You know, just checking off the points on my never-ending "To Do" list:
College, check. 
Career, check. 
Pulitzer...working on it. 

But instead of catching my breath, I caught something else instead: an amazing night with a sexy quarterback who left me with a parting gift. One that will make its way into my life in nine short months.
 
Too bad he had absolutely nothing to do with it.
 
It's double-trouble when I discover Lennox has an identical twin. One who's not above pretending to be his red-hot jock brother just to get a piece of ass. But Logan Masten is no team player.  The budding politician has his own playbook...and he plays dirty.
 
Really dirty.
 
Lennox is used to cleaning up after Logan's long list of colossal mistakes ...and now that list includes me. But when Lennox comes up with a plan to fix Logan's mess once again, I can't help but see that Pulitzer on the horizon. If I move in with him and pretend that the baby is his, I can find out the real reason why Lennox keeps protecting Logan and find out what other juicy secrets these brothers are hiding. Sounds like a great plan, right?
 
I thought so too...until I realized I was falling in love with him.

Damn.
 
Finding "happily ever after" should not be so complicated...
« Last Edit: February 15, 2017, 04:29:59 PM by MajesticMonkey »

Offline MajesticMonkey

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Re: Critique my blurb please? [Romance]
« Reply #12 on: February 16, 2017, 09:54:05 PM »
I would *love* *love* *love*  to hear some feedback on this. Good or bad, it will help me so much.


"Once upon a time..."
 
Yeah...this is not that kind of story. Hard-nosed newspaper stories don't start out like that. The facts are hard and cold like ice cubes in stiff drinks, each and every time...

Funny that, "stiff and hard" is exactly how I ended up in this mess with all-star bad boy, Lennox Hardy. It was only supposed to be a brief time-out, a moment to catch my breath in my driving scramble to live up to Ma's dreams and expectations.  College.  Career.  Pulitzer.  Instead of catching my breath, though, the sexy quarterback takes my breath away...and leaves me with a parting gift...delivery in nine months.

But the crazy part? Lennox had nothing to do with any of this.
 
I discovered Lennox has an identical twin. And he is not above pretending to be his red-hot jock brother just to get a piece of ass. But Logan Masten is no team player; the budding politician has his own playbook...and he plays dirty.
 
Really dirty.

And after being blown away by that newsflash, my jerk of a boss fired me. With no job, no money and facing losing the house Ma left me - the only thing I have that is truly mine - my world completely fell to pieces.
 
Lennox is used to cleaning up after Logan's long list of colossal mistakes ...and now that list includes me. But when Lennox comes up with a plan to fix Logan's mess once again, I can't help but to take it. If I move in with him and pretend that the baby is his, I'll not only have a place to live but I can also find out the real reason why Lennox keeps protecting Logan and find out what other secrets these brothers are hiding. Because if I do, I have my own plan. One that might give me everything I need to set me up for life. Sounds simple, right?
 
I thought so too...until I realized I was falling in love with him.

I have to do what's best for me and my child but I can't help but think that, if I do, I'll end up ruining Lennox's life too. Damn.
 
Why does finding "happily ever after" have to be so complicated?
« Last Edit: February 16, 2017, 09:58:13 PM by MajesticMonkey »

Offline Jeff Tanyard

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Re: Critique my blurb please? [Romance]
« Reply #13 on: February 16, 2017, 10:36:08 PM »
I was on the fence about offering suggestions.  I'm not a romance reader, and it's likely that any help I offer will do more harm than good.  But you said this:

Quote
I would *love* *love* *love*  to hear some feedback on this. Good or bad, it will help me so much.

...so I figured I'd give it try anyway.  *shrug*   ;)  So, first some criticism.

The blurb is too long.  Potential readers are going to start zoning out before reaching the end.  Just stick to the main points: who is the MC, what does she want, what is the conflict that stands in her way, what's at stake.

Also, too many ellipses.  I count eight of the things in your latest iteration.  Try to limit yourself to one or two at the most.

Too many sentence fragments.  One or two can add some punch, but too many makes it look choppy.

General wordiness.

So with all that in mind, here's what I've got:

Quote
Once upon a time?  Not that kind of tale.  No-nonsense newspaper stories don't start out like that. The facts are hard and cold as ice cubes in stiff drinks.  Funny... "stiff and hard" is how I ended up in this mess.

My fling with all-star bad boy Lennox Hardy was only supposed to be a brief time-out.  I'd catch my breath from the rat race, and then continue after that Pulitzer I'd always wanted.  Instead, that sexy quarterback knocked me up.  And now I know it wasn't him at all.  He has a twin, a sleazy politician named Logan Masten, who likes to play switcheroo in the sack.

Lennox is used to cleaning up after Logan's mistakes, and now that includes me. But I'm cleverer than both of them.  I'll move in with Lennox and pretend that the baby is his.  That way, I'll not only have a place to live, but I can also find out what other secrets these brothers are hiding.  Pulitzer Prize, here I come!  The only thing that might ruin everything is if I fall in love with Lennox.  Uh, oh.


I hope that helps a little.  Good luck.  :)
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Re: Critique my blurb please? [Romance]
« Reply #14 on: February 16, 2017, 11:04:23 PM »
The blurb is too long. Cold, hard facts? Maybe I'm reading the wrong newspapers, but that isn't something I'd expect these days.  ;D

Quote
Funny that, "stiff and hard" is exactly how I ended up in this mess with all-star bad boy, Lennox Hardy.

This makes me think the book is gay romance.

Quote
With no job, no money and facing losing the house Ma left me - the only thing I have that is truly mine - my world completely fell to pieces.

I like this part. It makes the MC more sympathetic. I think the beginning of your alternative blurb is better.


De gustibus non est disputandum.

Ignore people's pet peeves and write on!

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Offline MajesticMonkey

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Re: Critique my blurb please? [Romance]
« Reply #15 on: February 19, 2017, 02:22:19 PM »
I really appreciate all the amazing feedback. Thanks so much for the time and effort. :)

Offline mjl1966

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Re: Critique my blurb please? [Romance]
« Reply #16 on: February 19, 2017, 02:50:24 PM »
I would consider dropping the first two lines, especially if this is a Zon blurb.  You only have a few lines to get the reader to click "read more" etc.  The rest looks pretty interesting to me.  I'm wondering if the line about getting some ass might be a little "in your face" for a blurb.  It's pretty clear what the book is about without it.

Good luck! 

Offline MajesticMonkey

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Re: Critique my blurb please? [Romance]
« Reply #17 on: February 19, 2017, 04:35:51 PM »
@ mjl1966. I've scratched that blurb entirely. It just didn't work in the end.


I know I'm asking a lot from you (general you)... especially after all the help I've had here already. You'd think I had them nailed down by this time wouldn't you?

Anyhow... hopefully these should be close... how do you like them?

One night, two men and a parting gift...
I've always wanted to scoop the hot stories, not become one of them. But that's exactly what happened after I spent a hot and steamy night with bad-boy football star Lennox Hardy. Just a one-night stand and move on, right? Wrong. Now I'm carrying his baby and my life just fell apart. But the worst thing?
Lennox had nothing to do with it.
Suddenly, I'm not dealing with just one man, there are TWO! One who doesn't give a damn about anyone but himself and another who always fixes his brother's mistakes.
One night, twin brothers and whole lot of secrets and drama. Things can't get any more complicated than this, right? Yeah, that's what I thought too... until I fell in love with one of them.
Damn... what's a girl to do now?

-----

Once upon a time...
Yeah, this is not that kind of story. This is not a fantasy. This is the story of how I ended up in a huge mess with all-star bad boy Lennox Hardy.
One hot night with a sexy football player, a stolen moment I'd never forget. Especially when I found out I was left with a parting gift...one that will show up in nine months.
But the craziest part? Lennox had nothing to do with it.
Turns out that Lennox has an identical twin. One who isn't above pretending to be his hot jock brother to get a piece of ass. Suddenly I am not just dealing with one man but two: one who doesn't give a damn about anyone but himself and another who's always cleaning up after his brother's mistakes.
One night, twin brothers and a whole lot of secrets and drama. Things can't get more complicated than this...or that's what I thought right up until I realized I was falling in love with him.
Damn, what's a girl to do?
« Last Edit: February 19, 2017, 04:39:19 PM by MajesticMonkey »

Offline RedAlert

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Re: Critique my blurb please? [Romance]
« Reply #18 on: February 20, 2017, 12:26:04 AM »
There are a lot of different versions of the blurb.  Kinda made me dizzy.  A lot of points have been covered.  Just wanted to say that, the MC doesn't seem very concerned about her baby's welfare.  A couple of the versions mentioned briefly about the child's welfare, but just wanted to say that it is noticeable.

The other thing is, what's the problem?  Maybe I have gotten mixed up, but isn't she living with the good twin?  The rich quarterback?  And, she's falling in love with the good twin?  And, her baby is there?  I know you are holding back a secret, but the more I read all the blurbs, the less I saw a real problem.  The only problem that you are showing is that the baby is not his.  It's his brother's.  That's not major for a blurb.  Does she plan to tell him at all?  Maybe I missed that.  That could be a problem related to what secret you are holding back.  Maybe he already knows, and doesn't mind!  And, since we're on the subject, I thought that this was what used to be known as a one night stand.  If the bad twin did the deed, surely the good twin knows he himself wasn't there.  I guess I'll have to go back and reread that part.

I like the general flavor of the blurb.  You covered the situation pretty well.  It is too long, too detailed (I'd shorten or edit out the life expectations part, and never mention Ma), and throw in some angst about the baby.  This blurb, whichever version you pick, would lead me to expect hot sex scenes.  I wouldn't necessarily care about the twins' secret, whatever that might be.  Shouldn't put two different last names in there.