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Blurb help for a newbie? (Fantasy) UPDATED April 23

925 views 12 replies 8 participants last post by  Teresa Rook 
#1 ·
VERSION 2:

Twenty years ago, Darga's people purged the Witchers in a terrible genocide. The land has been in slow decay ever since, and they themselves now face extinction.

Desperate for a scapegoat, those in power blame the mysterious Witcher tech for the drought that strangles the fields and the strange storms that strike what's left of their cities.

Darga, a young veterinarian from the nation's last farm, may hold the key to saving the world--but only if she isn't forced to destroy it.

***

Hi kboards! I've been lurking for a little over a year now, but I just finally typed THE END on my first novel last night. Yay!

You'll probably see a lot of me begging for help over the next few months. I want to start with my blurb, because I figure that's a shortcut to identifying any glaring story issues before I start editing. I'm hoping said editing will be light, but we shall see...

DUSTWITCH

Nearly twenty years after the Witcher genocide, the rest of Carnigai is on the brink of starvation. Its decades-long drought has reached its crisis point, while the neighbouring nation of Niroek mysteriously continues to flourish.

Darga, a young veterinarian from the last functioning farm, knows their only chance for survival is to re-establish trade with the Nirokeans. Trade on that scale was possible with the Witchers and their technology, but the Carnigan tribes made that bed twenty years ago. Now, unless Darga can figure out a way to revive the defunct technology, her tribe will pay a devastating price.

Thanks to her unusual ability to see Witcher runes, Darga is conscripted to track down the remaining tech. But whereas Darga sees opportunity in what the Witchers left behind, her companions see only danger. Their mission isn't revival.

It's destruction.


Other details about me and my story:
-unfortunately not written to market, but I'm attempting to shoehorn it into Epic and Coming of Age Fantasy
-first book in a trilogy
-I'm usually good with characters, bad with plot
-I've commissioned a professional cover and am terrified that I'm wasting money on a pipe dream
-actually I'm terrified of this entire process
-man writing this book was HARD yo and it took me six months, hopefully I can get faster with practice

pls help. You are all brilliant and I am taking notes.
 
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#2 ·
Hi Teresa

From you're blurb alone, I can tell that you have a great and intriguing story.

The blurb does what it is supposed to do - give the potential reader a glimpse of what's to come. I'm probably not the best at giving advice and this is simply my opinion, but the use of 'Nearly', at the beginning of the blurb may weaken the opening sentence. Twenty years after the Witcher genocide...sounds a little stronger. Also 'Its decades-long drought', could be shortened to, Its endless drought.

The finishing line is a brilliant hook. Their mission isn't revival - its Destruction...

I learned a while ago that the blurb must be short, punchy and exciting. Its a hard balance to master and I'm no expert. I hope this has helped and good luck.
 
#3 ·
Your blurb is pretty strong. To take what A.C. said above:

DUSTWITCH

Twenty years after the Witcher genocide, Carnigai is on the brink of starvation. The long drought has reached its crisis point, while the neighbouring nation of Niroek mysteriously continues to flourish.

Darga, a young veterinarian from the last functioning farm, knows their only chance for survival is to re-establish trade with the Nirokeans. Trade was possible with the Witchers and their technology, but that technology is lost. Unless Darga can figure out a way to revive the defunct technology, her tribe will pay a devastating price.

Thanks to her unusual ability to see Witcher runes, Darga is conscripted to track down the remaining tech. But whereas Darga sees opportunity in what the Witchers left behind, her companions see only danger.

Their mission isn't revival. It's destruction.

Good luck. You've done the hard part. Most would-be authors never finish a book. Get a good editor. I cannot stress that enough. Give yourself every chance to succeed.
 
#4 ·
Agree with the "nearly" thing, and I'd say a decades long drought. Having "its" at the beginning is kind of confusing to me.

but the Carnigan tribes made that bed twenty years ago. Now, unless Darga can figure out a way to revive the defunct technology, her tribe will pay a devastating price.
I'd change the made that bed part, make it more like "ruined any chance of that" (you already have the twenty years thing), and drop the "Now".

Other than these quibbles, I think it's a pretty strong blurb, not too many names thrown in, or details that drag the blurb out unnecessarily (lots of people just thrown in the bathtub and the baby along with the kitchen sink).

Oh, and we're all scared. Really, all of us. I'm terrified with every release. You just have to set up things the best you can, write the story the best you can, and let it fly. If you flop, what's the worse that can happen? You won't be arrested, though you may end up with a new pen name. ;) But heck, there's always the chance to fix whatever went wrong and try again. I dare say, most of us here can tell you some stories about the stuff we messed up, the things we did wrong, or didn't do at all, and how we just picked up the pieces and forged on.
 
#5 ·
Whose mission isn't revival? Her companions? The Witchers?

You finished in 6 months? That's great. I'm at a year and half and I'm only 2/3rds through my 3rd draft. After my first revision I gave it to some beta readers and learned that it was an alpha read. I am also hoping to improve my efficiency at some point.
 
#6 ·
@A.C. Salter - thank you for your kind words! I'm glad the story intrigues you. And I think you're right about "nearly" and the drought. I appreciate your fresh eyeballs.

@BR Kingsolver - amazing how much more streamlined your version is with just a few little cuts. Thank you, I'll definitely work with your suggestions! And thanks for the push towards a professional editor. I can typically self-edit to a pretty high standard, but I'm so sick of this story by now that I probably will outsource it. Better than wasting countless hours combing it myself. I've got Book II to write, after all...

@she-la-ti-da - all good points, thanks! Happy to hear the names aren't too much. I'll pat myself on the back for finding that tricky balance. And it's comforting to know it'll always be a bit scary--that also means it'll always be exciting, right?!

@IWFerguson - thank you for your thoughtful questions. I'll put some more thought into whether that last part is clear enough. And hey, 2/3 is way better than 0/3. I keep hearing that the first book is the hardest, so maybe after this we'll both be popping out a book a week!
 
#7 ·
I like BR Kingsolver's version but suggest maybe tweaking to sub in for at least one "technology":

Darga, a young veterinarian from the last functioning farm, knows their only chance for survival is to re-establish trade with the Nirokeans. Trade was possible with the Witchers and their technology, but that technology is lost. Unless Darga can figure out a way to revive the defunct technology, her tribe will pay a devastating price.

Maybe something like:
Darga, a young veterinarian from Carnigai's last functioning farm, knows their only chance for survival is to re-establish trade with the Nirokeans. Such trade was possible during the time of the Witchers, but that knowledge has been lost. Unless Darga can figure out a way to revive the Witchers' defunct technology, her tribe will pay a devastating price.
 
#9 ·
Hi again. Hopefully it's okay that I'm trying to revive this...

Hoping to get some eyes on this new version of my blurb. The feedback up thread was generally positive with some helpful tweaks, but after some thought, I realized I'm not aiming for generally positive. I'm aiming for WOW.

Impossibly high standards, I know.

So, any thoughts on this new version? If you had to rank it from it's fine to MUST READ NOW, where would it fall? Does anyone prefer the old one?

Thank you, O wise kboards.

BLURB V2.0

Twenty years ago, Darga's people purged the Witchers in a terrible genocide. The land has been in slow decay ever since, and they themselves now face extinction.

Desperate for a scapegoat, those in power blame the mysterious Witcher tech for the drought that strangles the fields and the strange storms that strike what's left of their cities.

Darga, a young veterinarian from the nation's last farm, may hold the key to saving the world--but only if she isn't forced to destroy it.
 
#10 ·
This one is less confusing but feels way too short. You're not really giving me a reason to read it...a sense of the personal stakes of this conflict or why anyone should pick up THIS story out of the many fantasy novels out there. I think the original one with the suggested tweaks by other K-Boarders would still be better because your original one had more intriguing details, it just needed some streamlining.
 
#11 ·
Thanks, Jaclyn. The new version is due to non-KB opinions that it was too long, but it did make me pretty sad to strip out so many details... I'm hoping the rest of KB agrees with you, because I'd love to use the old one instead.

For anyone who wants to see the first version after incorporating KB advice, here it is:

Twenty years after the Witcher genocide, Carnigai is on the brink of starvation. The long drought has reached its crisis point, while the neighbouring nation of Niroek mysteriously continues to flourish.

Darga, a young veterinarian from the last functioning farm, knows their only chance for survival is to re-establish trade with the Nirokeans. Trade was possible with the Witchers' technology, but that knowledge is lost. Unless Darga can figure out a way to revive the defunct technology, her tribe will pay a devastating price.

Thanks to her unusual ability to see Witcher runes, Darga is conscripted to track down the remaining tech. But whereas Darga sees opportunity in what the Witchers left behind, her companions see only danger.

Their mission isn't revival. It's destruction.
 
#12 ·
The old one is better.

I would question a couple of things though, not necessarily to include masses of information about but to clarify the motivation of the main character. Why was trade only possible with the Witchers' technology? and if her companions know that, why do they see danger and wish to destroy the tech?

Try and find one or two words to describe the tech, to explain why it's so important and another one or two to explain her companions attitudes. Just for example, because obviously I have no clue what goes on in the book. I also rearranged it slightly to put it into a more logical order.

Twenty years after the Witcher genocide, Carnigai is on the brink of starvation. The long drought has reached crisis point, while the neighbouring nation of Niroek mysteriously continues to flourish.

Darga, a young veterinarian from the last functioning farm, knows their only chance for survival is to re-establish trade with the Nirokeans. Trade was possible with the Witchers' rainmaking technology, but that knowledge is now long lost. Thanks to her unusual ability to see Witcher runes, she is conscripted to find and revive the defunct technology, but if she fails her tribe will pay a devastating price.

Darga sees great opportunity in what the Witchers left behind, while her Luddite companions see only danger.

Their mission isn't revival. It's destruction.

Just my take :)
 
#13 ·
Thanks! I've tried to reorganize/reframe it in such a way that the character motivations are clearer. Your suggested changes were great but I had to go further to keep it in line with the story. Blurbs are the worst.

***

Twenty years after the Witcher genocide, Carnigai is on the brink of starvation. The long drought has reached crisis point, while the neighbouring nation of Niroek mysteriously continues to flourish.

Darga, a young veterinarian from the last functioning farm, knows their only chance for survival is to re-establish trade with the Nirokeans. Trade was possible with the Witchers' mass transit technology, but that knowledge is now long lost.

Thanks to her unusual ability to see Witcher runes, Darga is conscripted to track down the remaining tech. Darga sees great opportunity in what the Witchers left behind. Her companions, unwilling to accept the genocide as a mistake, see only danger.

Their mission isn't revival. It's destruction.

***

Also the following version, which removes the whole nations thing and drills down to individual character motivations. May have gone too far, though?

***

The Witcher genocide was supposed to give the world a chance to recover. It didn't.

Drought, famine, extreme weather--everything got worse.

Those in power have found a scapegoat in the defunct magical technology the Witchers left behind. They believe its destruction will finally purge the land of the Witchers' crippling influence.

Darga, a young veterinarian from the nation's last functioning farm, knows her tribe won't survive the winter. Determined to save her people, and especially her girlfriend, she demands aid from the tyrannical ruling family. She suspects the tech is the solution to the problem, not its cause.

But thanks to her unusual ability to identify Witcher tech, Darga is conscripted on a mission to hunt down and destroy it all.

Fail, and the entire nation will be thrust into an unwinnable war--assuming they don't starve first.

Succeed, and their one shot at redemption will be lost forever.
 
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