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Please tear apart my YA near future suspense blurb

530 views 10 replies 4 participants last post by  hs 
#1 ·
I'd appreciate any help for my upcoming YA near future suspense, first in a trilogy. The series also includes dystopian/PA, but that's more book #2 and beyond. Thank you!


In the near future, the most luxurious ship in the world is about to set sail. The playground for the nation's most prestigious families, the Grand Voyager promises to fulfill every exquisite dream and desire.

But for some passengers, the more they want, the more they have to lose.

Willow wins a golden ticket, sweeping her into a life she's only dreamed of. She'll pay any price--and take any risk--to keep it.

Amelia Black appears to have it all--beauty, wealth, and class. But she's hiding a devastating secret. Her carefully constructed façade is about to shatter . . .

Micah has been content to live in his brother's shadow his whole life. But when he stumbles upon a web of deceit, he's torn between loyalty and a terrible truth.

For beneath the glamorous parties and glittering amenities, dangerous secrets lurk. Some are determined to bring the whole thing crashing down. And they're already on the ship.

The storm is coming . . .
 
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#2 ·
Interesting character descriptions, but except for the words "in the near future" there is no sense of time (or place either). Is the fact that this is set in the near future relevant, and, if so, why?

How old are these characters?

Where are they from (playground for the nation's most prestigious families - which nation?)

Why is Amelia Black the only one with a last name?

 
#3 ·
Hi German_Translator,
I was trying to keep my word count as low as possible, so skimped on some of those details. Near future is relevant because it's categorized spec fic/sci-fi, and the tech, climate, and politics are slightly futuristic while still recognizable. The events of the book occur just before a catastrophic event brings down the government.

I can take out Amelia's last name. Hers was the shortest and easiest to pronounce, lol. Do their ages need to be included in a blurb, or doesn't it matter if it's categorized as YA? It's the United States. I can add that detail in.
 
#5 ·
I think there's a bit of a structural issue with the blurb. It's backstory/setup until it passes the halfway point.

This line: "Her carefully constructed facade is about to shatter . . ." is the first introduction of any conflict. But it comes at the end of the fourth paragraph out of seven.

I suggest eliminating the backstory/setup, or at least twining conflict through with it right from the get go.

Hope that helps.
 
#6 ·
I actually like the blurb. :)
The way you've described the characters make me want to find out more about them and their role aboard the ship.
The only part I would change is the end because it doesn't tell me why you're focusing on those three characters. For instance, the last sentences ("Some are determined to bring the whole thing crashing down. And they're already on the ship.") confused me because I wasn't sure if "they" refer to Willow, Amelia, and Micah or to other passengers.
 
#7 ·
hs, so the last line(s) should directly relate to Willow, Amelia, and Micah's experience?
Or does it work to say, "A few passengers are determined to bring the whole thing down"?

Jack Krennreck, So Willow's "taking any risk" wouldn't be considered conflict? Or the line about how much they have to lose?
 
#8 ·
Kyla S said:
Jack Krennreck, So Willow's "taking any risk" wouldn't be considered conflict? Or the line about how much they have to lose?
For myself, I'd say no. Those comments foreshadow the possibility of trouble. But a willingness to take risks, or that someone has something to lose, is just everyday life. That state of affairs doesn't mean that anything is actually going to happen. The "...is about to shatter" line, on the other hand, is a direct indication that things will go wrong.

I don't think a blurb is a good place for subtlety. Hit the reader over the head with the problem.
 
#11 ·
Kyla S said:
hs, so the last line(s) should directly relate to Willow, Amelia, and Micah's experience?
Or does it work to say, "A few passengers are determined to bring the whole thing down"?
Where I was confused was whether:
[list type=decimal]
[*]other passengers are determined to bring the whole thing down, and Willow, Amelia, and Micah are the heroes who will somehow work together to stop them
[*]Willow, Amelia, and Micah are the ones determined to bring the whole thing down
[/list]

If you can clarify it, then the blurb works for me! :)
 
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