Author Topic: one-liner for thriller  (Read 583 times)  

Offline davidsachs

  • Status: Dr. Seuss
  • *
  • Posts: 15
  • Gender: Male
  • Quebec, Canada
    • View Profile
one-liner for thriller
« on: May 19, 2017, 09:30:14 AM »
Hi folks, I'm looking for advice on a 1-liner for a somewhat sexy, relationshippy, thriller. Like Hemingway, updated, or The Beach 15 years older. Would appreciate any advice!! Here are some ideas:

1. They came to Africa for an adventure to save their marriage; stranded in the bush of Kenyas Maasai Mara Park, they have to save each other.
 
2. A young couple's marriage is on the verge of disintegrating during an adventure trip and then they get lost on a Kenyan safari.
 
3. A young couple spend three days lost on safari in Kenya.

4. A young couple follow adventure to save their disintegrating marriage, but must save themselves from three days lost when their Kenyan safari goes wrong.

5. A young couple escape their marriage problems with an adventure trip. Now can they escape the adventure?

6. To save their marriage, they followed adventure. Lost on safari, they'll have to save each other.

Bonus question: Which sounds better as a compariosn: "Hemingway, updated" OR "Hemingway's The Short Happy Life of Francis Macomber updated." I tend to think being more specific will help me either find or disprove an affinity with an agent.
   

Offline Dpock

  • Status: Jane Austen
  • ***
  • Posts: 309
  • Gender: Male
  • Inland Northwest
    • View Profile
Re: one-liner for thriller
« Reply #1 on: May 19, 2017, 09:52:14 AM »
Quote
To save their marriage, they followed adventure. Lost on safari, they'll have to save each other.


Bonus bit - "A Hemingwayesque journey of _____ (redemption? salvation? whatever...)

Ashley Lords

Offline FelissaEly

  • Status: Madeleine L'Engle
  • **
  • Posts: 96
  • Gender: Female
    • View Profile
    • FrustratedEgo Stories
Re: one-liner for thriller
« Reply #2 on: May 19, 2017, 09:58:51 AM »
I don't have any offerings for the bonus bit, but I also like #6


My husband's published work
Stephan Morse | FrustratedEgo Stories | FrustratedEgo Stories Facebook

Offline TromboneAl

  • Status: Arthur C Clarke
  • *****
  • Posts: 2207
  • Name IRL: Al Macy
    • View Profile
Re: one-liner for thriller
« Reply #3 on: May 19, 2017, 10:00:30 AM »
If you're thinking of an elevator pitch (what you tell an agent if you happen to be with him/her in an elevator at a writing conference), you need a little orientation at the start, as you've done in your post. Something like:

It's a relationship-centered thriller about a couple who uncover surprising revelations about their marriage while lost in the wilds of the African jungle.

If the one-line has a different purpose, tell us what you're planning to use it for.


Al Macy | Web Site | Facebook | Twitter

Offline Spin52

  • Status: Jane Austen
  • ***
  • Posts: 340
  • Gender: Female
  • Seattle and Oxfordshire
    • View Profile
    • Amazon author page
Re: one-liner for thriller
« Reply #4 on: May 19, 2017, 10:04:32 AM »
I like either 5 or 6. I'm not sure I'd bring Hemingway into it. But that may be because the type of blurb which says, "If you like Author X, you'll love this book' always makes me cringe.


Tradtional mysteries with a dash of humor -- no cats, no cupcakes
Facebook | Amazon author page

Offline ilamont

  • Status: Arthur Conan Doyle
  • ****
  • Posts: 572
  • Gender: Male
  • Mass.
    • View Profile
    • In 30 Minutes Guides Official Site
Re: one-liner for thriller
« Reply #5 on: May 19, 2017, 10:16:50 AM »
Variation of #1:

They came to Africa for a safari adventure to save their marriage. Now they have to save each other.

Offline ShayneRutherford

  • Status: Arthur C Clarke
  • *****
  • Posts: 2910
  • Toronto, Ontario
    • View Profile
    • My Website
Re: one-liner for thriller
« Reply #6 on: May 19, 2017, 10:20:42 AM »
Variation of #1:

They came to Africa for a safari adventure to save their marriage. Now they have to save each other.

I like this one.
     

Offline crow.bar.beer

  • Status: Arthur Conan Doyle
  • ****
  • Posts: 574
    • View Profile
Re: one-liner for thriller
« Reply #7 on: May 19, 2017, 10:33:49 AM »
They came to Africa for a safari adventure to save their marriage. Now they have to save each other.

I'd springboard off this excellent suggestion by making it even more concise:

They went on safari to save their marriage. Now they have to save each other.

Conciseness is king.  8)

Offline jdcore

  • Status: Scheherazade
  • *****
  • Posts: 1439
  • Gender: Male
  • Toronto, Ohio
    • View Profile
    • The Lupa Schwartz Mysteries Blog
Re: one-liner for thriller
« Reply #8 on: May 19, 2017, 10:48:58 AM »
#6

Offline D A Bale

  • Status: Arthur Conan Doyle
  • ****
  • Posts: 741
  • Gender: Female
  • United States
  • author, editor, cover designer
    • View Profile
    • DA Bale Publishing
Re: one-liner for thriller
« Reply #9 on: May 19, 2017, 11:34:42 AM »
Variation of #1:

They came to Africa for a safari adventure to save their marriage. Now they have to save each other.

I like this, but try and condense into a snappy bite for your tagline.

Okey Dokey

  • Guest
Re: one-liner for thriller
« Reply #10 on: May 19, 2017, 12:26:41 PM »
They went on a safari to save their marriage. But can they save each other?

Offline Adam B

  • Status: Madeleine L'Engle
  • **
  • Posts: 83
    • View Profile
Re: one-liner for thriller
« Reply #11 on: May 19, 2017, 01:32:37 PM »
I'd springboard off this excellent suggestion by making it even more concise:

They went on safari to save their marriage. Now they have to save each other.

Conciseness is king.  8)

THIS

Offline alexabooks

  • Status: Lewis Carroll
  • **
  • Posts: 110
    • View Profile
Re: one-liner for thriller
« Reply #12 on: May 19, 2017, 01:37:45 PM »
They went on safari to save their marriage. Now they have to save each other.

I also like this one.


Offline juliatheswede

  • Status: Arthur Conan Doyle
  • ****
  • Posts: 828
  • Gender: Female
  • NYC
    • View Profile
Re: one-liner for thriller
« Reply #13 on: May 19, 2017, 02:01:50 PM »


They went on safari to save their marriage. Now they have to save each other.


This one!

Offline ilamont

  • Status: Arthur Conan Doyle
  • ****
  • Posts: 572
  • Gender: Male
  • Mass.
    • View Profile
    • In 30 Minutes Guides Official Site
Re: one-liner for thriller
« Reply #14 on: May 19, 2017, 02:23:29 PM »
I'd springboard off this excellent suggestion by making it even more concise:

They went on safari to save their marriage. Now they have to save each other.

Conciseness is king.  8)

I agree! You can use it on the film poster when they make it into a movie, too!

AngelinSydney

  • Guest
Re: one-liner for thriller
« Reply #15 on: May 19, 2017, 03:10:57 PM »
Hi,

I favour #5.

Blessings,

A

Offline Decon

  • Status: A A Milne
  • ******
  • Posts: 4227
    • View Profile
    • Declan Conner, Blog
Re: one-liner for thriller
« Reply #16 on: May 19, 2017, 05:59:47 PM »
Variation of #1:

They came to Africa for a safari adventure to save their marriage. Now they have to save each other.

It would be hard to top that.


Girl at the Window: sample chapters for nomination on Kindle Scout.
Declan Conner | blog

Offline Dolphin

  • Status: Scheherazade
  • *****
  • Posts: 1925
  • Gender: Male
  • Under the Sea
  • Skree'ee--eee, eeek!
    • View Profile
Re: one-liner for thriller
« Reply #17 on: May 19, 2017, 06:05:08 PM »
They went on safari to save their marriage. Now they have to save each other.

Chalk up another vote for concision.

Offline juliatheswede

  • Status: Arthur Conan Doyle
  • ****
  • Posts: 828
  • Gender: Female
  • NYC
    • View Profile
Re: one-liner for thriller
« Reply #18 on: May 19, 2017, 06:31:08 PM »
Safari "adventure in Africa" is really redundant. Isn't Africa and adventure implied in the word "safari?" It would be to me at least. There are all kinds of wild animals on a safari that can chase you and kill you ;D

Offline davidsachs

  • Status: Dr. Seuss
  • *
  • Posts: 15
  • Gender: Male
  • Quebec, Canada
    • View Profile
Re: one-liner for thriller
« Reply #19 on: May 26, 2017, 10:12:16 AM »
Thanks everyone!! Great to see so much convergence of opinion!
   

Offline SND

  • Status: Dr. Seuss
  • *
  • Posts: 4
    • View Profile
Re: one-liner for thriller
« Reply #20 on: May 26, 2017, 11:10:33 AM »
To save their marriage; they ventured into the darkest wilds of Africa.

To save their lives; they must escape it's clutches.
« Last Edit: May 26, 2017, 11:13:07 AM by SND »

Offline she-la-ti-da

  • Status: Edgar Allan Poe
  • *******
  • Posts: 5668
  • in the bunker
    • View Profile
Re: one-liner for thriller
« Reply #21 on: May 26, 2017, 06:31:59 PM »
I'd springboard off this excellent suggestion by making it even more concise:

They went on safari to save their marriage. Now they have to save each other.

Conciseness is king.  8)

Yes! Short and snappy.

I personally wouldn't do anything comparing to another author or book. I hate it when I see that in a blurb, and will skip the book. I'd never seen anything that matched the hype. I know it's recommended in a lot of books, but it just looks bad (and yes, trad pub does it, and I skip those books, too). Sell your book on its own merits.
Queen of Procrasti Nation

Genres: speculative fiction under main pen name.




Offline Sapphire

  • Status: Arthur C Clarke
  • *****
  • Posts: 2786
  • Gender: Female
  • Omaha NE
    • View Profile
Re: one-liner for thriller
« Reply #22 on: May 27, 2017, 06:05:24 AM »
I guess I'm in the minority. I still like the last one. Just change 'have to' to 'must'.