Author Topic: Blurb Help Needed (Kids' Title)  (Read 160 times)  

Offline Eric_Hobbs

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Blurb Help Needed (Kids' Title)
« on: October 12, 2017, 04:50:38 PM »

So I've been something of a hobbyist author to this point but am planning to take a more business-like approach in the new year. So, with that said, I'm hoping some of you guys can help me to make my book description as appealing as possible. Here's what I've got so far...

*****

Adventure has a new name!

Fourteen-year-old Race Bailey investigates the suspicious circumstances surrounding his father's death only to discover a shocking truth: his dad was more than a world famous magician; he was actually a member of the Conjurors Initiative, a secretive group tasked with protecting the world from supernatural threats.

Convinced this secret life led to his father's demise, Race quickly finds himself on the run, pursued by nefarious men after a piece from his fathers collection of magic memorabilia. Now a player in the dangerous game his father left behind, Race must decide if he will protect the powerful relic as his dad did before him... or risk losing it for a chance to avenge his fathers death.

*****

There it is. What works for you? What doesn't? What needs work?

Thanks so much to anyone who takes the time,

Eric

Offline PatPflieger

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Re: Blurb Help Needed (Kids' Title)
« Reply #1 on: October 13, 2017, 06:37:35 PM »
>Adventure has a new name!

I like this very much; it's a strong start.

I'm not as fond of the next two paragraphs.  The loooong sentences seem geared more for adults than for 14-year-olds; and they slow down the action of the blurb.  Specifics might also improve the blurb:  what piece from Race's father's collection? Why would anyone be after it?  Is there something special about it that would make a young reader want to read more?

It sounds like an over-the-top situation and plot (a 14-year-old "investigating"?), so you might look at over-the-top adventure novels and see how they structure blurbs (the blurbs for Max McCoy's Indiana Jones novels might give you some ideas).  A 14-year-old "avenging his father's death" makes me a bit hesitant--maybe instead he could "find justice".

The book sounds like fun--and the kind of book I would have loved to find as a young reader.  Good luck with this!
Pat Pflieger

Offline Dana L.

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Re: Blurb Help Needed (Kids' Title)
« Reply #2 on: October 15, 2017, 01:03:25 PM »
I really like the opening sentence.

I'd change paragraph two into two shorter sentence rather than one long one.

Paragraph three: I really like this one, except I'd use more common words. It's not that kids can't handle and enjoy more advanced vocabulary, I just wouldn't use it for a blurb. You want something that pops without the reader having to slow down or think very hard. Try "death" instead of "demise," and "evil men" or "thugs" instead of nefarious.

It's an intriguing blurb, and definitely gets me interested in the book!

Offline Eric_Hobbs

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Re: Blurb Help Needed (Kids' Title)
« Reply #3 on: October 15, 2017, 05:06:36 PM »

Thanks so much, guys. I'm going to take these thoughts into consideration and see what I can come up with!

Offline Eric_Hobbs

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Re: Blurb Help Needed (Kids' Title)
« Reply #4 on: October 15, 2017, 05:31:29 PM »

So I've played with this some after your great recommendations. I definitely need to spend some time reading other blurbs in the space. I plan to do that all night. LOL! For now, do you feel like I've made improvements here? I couldn't get rid of the "avenge" ending, but I think I took most of your other notes into consideration....

******

Adventure has a new name!

Fourteen year old Race Bailey has just discovered a shocking truth. His dad was more than the world's most famous magician. He was a spy tasked with protecting the world from supernatural threats.

Convinced this secret life led to his father's death, Race quickly finds himself on the run, pursued by mysterious men after a talisman legend says will help those who obtain it to raise an army of the dead.

Now a player in the dangerous game his father left behind, Race must decide if he will protect the powerful relic as his dad did before him... or risk losing it for a chance to avenge his father's death.

*****

Thanks for any help!

Offline Dana L.

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Re: Blurb Help Needed (Kids' Title)
« Reply #5 on: October 16, 2017, 08:47:49 AM »
I think you've made some good improvements, but is there a word missing in the second paragraph? Needs an "it" between "says" and "will"? I think that sentence is long and introduces a lot of ideas.

I'd go back to the original wording, like this:

" ...Race quickly finds himself on the run, pursued by mysterious men who want a piece from his fathers collection of magic memorabilia."

Online German_Translator

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Re: Blurb Help Needed (Kids' Title)
« Reply #6 on: October 16, 2017, 08:53:47 AM »
I thought "Adventure has a new name!" was a bit generic.

Just some ideas:

Dangerous Magic!
Your Magic or your Life!
A Deadly Artifact!

Just a few of the books I have translated (English <-> German)

Offline PatPflieger

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Re: Blurb Help Needed (Kids' Title)
« Reply #7 on: October 16, 2017, 01:43:43 PM »
So I've played with this some after your great recommendations. I definitely need to spend some time reading other blurbs in the space. I plan to do that all night. LOL! For now, do you feel like I've made improvements here? I couldn't get rid of the "avenge" ending, but I think I took most of your other notes into consideration....

******

Adventure has a new name!

Fourteen year old Race Bailey has just discovered a shocking truth. His dad was more than the world's most famous magician. He was a spy tasked with protecting the world from supernatural threats.

I really like this. (Though don't forget your hyphens in "Fourteen-year-old".)  Yes, "Adventure has a new name" is cliche, but it's still fairly fresh for your audience and makes it clear that you're setting things up for a series. (Though if you can come up with a fresher line, that might work better.)

Quote
Convinced this secret life led to his father's death, Race quickly finds himself on the run, pursued by mysterious men after a talisman legend says will help those who obtain it to raise an army of the dead.

As a reader, I like knowing what kind of magical object they're after--especially one as creepy as this one!  I wonder if it can be jazzed up with a little trimming:  "pursued by mysterious men who are after a talisman that can raise an army of the dead."

Quote
Now a player in the dangerous game his father left behind, Race must decide if he will protect the powerful relic as his dad did before him... or risk losing it for a chance to avenge his father's death.

Is "Now a player in the dangerous game his father left behind" that important?  Because you could start the paragraph "Now Race must decide," which is more pertinent to the book itself and sounds quite exciting.

Good job!
Pat Pflieger