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Would appreciate help with this romantic suspense blurb

1K views 20 replies 8 participants last post by  SA_Soule 
#1 ·
NEW BLURB IN REPLY 9

Happy New Year, writers!

This is a blurb for an 80K romantic suspense. I'm pretty sure it's too long, clocking in at 221 words. Thanks in advance for the help in making this a better blurb!

Trauma survivor Wren Bower's learned the hard way that the only escape from pain is to feel nothing. She also has something the FBI needs - exactly the right face.

Cagey and tech-brilliant, Mark Donahue's the criminal mastermind behind DarkWeb, a black market running guns, hitmen, and worse. Always a step ahead of the law, his only vulnerability is the memory of his first wife, Johanna, who died years ago.

All Wren has to do is run into Mark, and let his haunted heart do the rest. In return, the FBI'll give Wren the one thing she cares about. Her brother's release from prison.

It should've been dangerous, but uncomplicated. But Mark's carnal obsessions bring up emotions Wren's spent years suppressing. Soon she's caught in a dark temptation - slip out of her broken life and become Johanna, or save her brother and betray Mark to the FBI.

She's got to decide fast. Hot on her heels, Mark's arrogant, infuriating, totally hot younger brother Davis suspects Wren's up to no good. He'll do anything to strip her of her secrets.

Even as Davis tries to ruin everything, people close to the case begin to disappear. All evidence points to Wren's guilt. Someone's framing her, and it all ties back to Johanna's death. The only way out is to solve the mystery of DarkWeb.
 
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#3 ·
I like it.

I do think it has too many names though, so I would reduce that. Johanna could probably just be referred to as the first wife/the dead wife.

The second last paragraph that talks about Davis could go as well. I realize it's a hook, but I think you have enough there already. Meanwhile it's another name to process, and it chews up a paragraph in an already long blurb.

Hope that helps!
 
#4 ·
Thanks for the helpful feedback, Jack!  It's a good point about the many names, and it looks like Johanna's can definitely come out. 

Davis does seem to stick out in the blurb.  I was trying to follow the advice of signalling tropes, in this case a love triangle, but agree his part's a little clunky.  If you don't mind follow-up advice, I know some readers have strong opinions about love triangles. Is it better to streamline the blurb, or to signal the trope?

Appreciated!   
 
#5 ·
Well, there you go. That just shows how blurb advice can go wrong and how genre-specific knowledge is critical.

If the love triangle is a popular trope, I would say that absolutely you should keep it in. Even if the blurb ends up a bit long. To be honest, I didn't even recognize it as a love triangle, but on rereading it I could see a few hints of that. Your target audience would probably have picked up on it immediately though.

Anyway, it's still a bit long for a blurb. Maybe just see if you can tighten it up here and there by cutting a few words? I'd also think about joining one of the paragraphs in the second half together. As it is, there are six paragraphs of nearly the same length which may look a bit choppy on the product description page.

The blurb does seem a bit long to me, but then again that might be OK in your genre? I think any genre can tolerate a longish blurb though, as long as it's good - which yours is.
 
#7 ·
Long -long- time romance reader here: May I ask is this a standalone novel or series? I tend to only notice the love triangles in series, not standalone novels. The reason I ask is because the plot sounds like it could be a standalone and it threw me (not in a good way) when I realized there was more than one love interest. Are there other authors your book is comparable to so I can see where you’re going with this?
 
#9 ·
Here's a revision of the blurb for my romantic suspense. This one is better sized, at 162 words, and I could use some feedback as to whether I'm headed in the right direction, and how to make it better. Thanks for the help!


Pretty on the outside, broken on the inside.

Trauma survivor Wren Bower's got something the FBI needs-- exactly the right face. They need her striking resemblance to a dead woman to help eavesdrop on a criminal. In exchange, the FBI will give Wren the one thing she still cares about-- her brother's release from prison.

Mark Donahue is the mastermind behind the internet black market, DarkWeb. Cagey and tech-brilliant, his only vulnerability is his beloved first wife, Johanna, who died in a car accident years ago.

All Wren has to do is run into Mark with her doppelganger looks, and let his haunted heart do the rest. It should've been dangerous, but uncomplicated. Mark is more than Wren bargained for, and he'll do anything to make her his.

As each clue unravels, Wren discovers everyone's been lying to her, someone's set her up, and it all leads back to Johanna's death. The only way out is to solve the mystery of DarkWeb.
 
#10 ·
I like the tagline. Not sure if the revised blurb is better than the original.

It's better in the sense that it's shorter. It's better in the sense that it's more to the point. But it has a bit of "editor's voice", by which I mean all extraneous information has been removed. The only problem with this is that sometimes the extraneous material is what gives writing flavor and emotion.

For instance, the original blurb had this: Trauma survivor Wren Bower's learned the hard way that the only escape from pain is to feel nothing. This is gone, but it's pretty hard to read that and not feel sympathy for the MC. Invoking sympathy for a character is a surefire way to fuel sales...
 
#11 ·
Talia Vines said:
NEW BLURB IN REPLY 9

It should've been dangerous, but uncomplicated. But Mark's carnal obsessions bring up emotions Wren's spent years suppressing. Soon she's caught in a dark temptation - slip out of her broken life and become Johanna, or save her brother and betray Mark to the FBI.
I agree with Jack, I think you have blanded it a bit too much and lost some of the emotional angst/intensity.

I also really liked this bit above, where you summarise her quandary, it's like OMG what's she gonna do?! I think it engages you and brings you on board with her and her character arc.
If you do keep some of this bit, take out 'carnal'. I speak as someone with a mis-categorised book in erotica, just stay well away from any kind of sexual words in your blurb. ::)

Best of luck!
 
#13 ·
Talia Vines said:
Here's a revision of the blurb for my romantic suspense. This one is better sized, at 162 words, and I could use some feedback as to whether I'm headed in the right direction, and how to make it better. Thanks for the help!


Pretty on the outside, broken on the inside. like the tagline

Trauma survivor Wren Bower's got something the FBI needs-- exactly the right face. They need her striking resemblance to a dead woman to help eavesdrop on a criminal. In exchange, the FBI will give Wren the one thing she still cares about: (suggest colon) her brother's release from prison.

Mark Donahue is the mastermind behind the internet black market, DarkWeb. Cagey and tech-brilliant, his only vulnerability is his beloved first wife (did he have a 2nd? if not, suggest cut 'first'), Johanna, who died in a car accident years ago.

All Wren has to do is run into Mark with her doppelganger looks, and let his haunted heart do the rest. It should've been (was supposed to be?) dangerous, but uncomplicated. Mark is more than Wren bargained for, and he'll do anything to make her his.

As each clue unravels, Wren discovers everyone's (I see this is meant to be conversational, but maybe 'everyone has') been lying to her, someone's set her up, and it all leads back to Johanna's death. The only way out is to solve the mystery of DarkWeb.
I like it. Great job & wishing you many, many sales!
 
#16 ·
I prefer the first blurb because it has more personality. I tweaked that one a little and added a few bits from the suggestions:

Pretty on the outside, broken on the inside.

Trauma survivor Wren Bower's learned the hard way that the only escape from pain is to feel nothing. She also has something the FBI needs--the perfect face.

Cagey and tech-brilliant, Mark Donahue's the criminal mastermind behind DarkWeb, a black market running guns, hitmen, and worse. Always a step ahead of the law, his only vulnerability is the memory of his beloved wife, Johanna, who died years ago.

All Wren has to do is run into Mark and let his haunted heart do the rest. In return, the FBI'll give Wren the one thing she cares about: her brother's release from prison. It should've been simple. But Mark's intimate obsessions bring up emotions Wren's spent years suppressing. Soon she's caught between two terrible choices--slip out of her broken life and become Johanna, or save her brother and betray Mark to the FBI.

She's got to decide fast. Hot on her heels is Mark's arrogant, infuriating, totally hot younger brother who suspects Wren's up to no good. He'll go to any lengths, even seduction, to discover her secrets.

Just when she thought it couldn't get messier, people close to the case begin to disappear, and all evidence points to Wren. Someone's framing her, and it all ties back to Johanna's death. The only way out is to solve the mystery of DarkWeb.
 
#17 ·
I like the second version.

The only line I don't like is 'It should've been dangerous but uncomplicated.' - I'm wracking my brains to think of a stronger way to say the same thing. (As I hate it when someone points out a fault but offers no solution or alternative) I wonder if the prefix of this should be 'Her dangerous task becomes more complex when...' but not sure if that feels right either.

Sounds like a great story!
 
#19 ·
I like it, too. But I would get rid of the last paragraph. It is too long and I think this is a better ending hook by C. Gold: He'll go to any lengths, even seduction, to discover her secrets.

CUT THIS: Even as Davis tries to ruin everything, people close to the case begin to disappear. All evidence points to Wrens guilt. Someones framing her, and it all ties back to Johannas death. The only way out is to solve the mystery of DarkWeb.

Wishing you much success! :D
 
#21 ·
Talia Vines said:
OOh, thanks SA, that's a great hook ending!

BTW, I saw your recommendation on Kboards in regards to Carmen at Book Editing Magic and gave her a try. She turned out great -- on time, sharp eye, and thoughtful. Thank you!
That's awesome! I've been working with Carmen for years and she's so helpful. ;-)
 
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