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Blurb help, please!

581 views 12 replies 10 participants last post by  Wingpeople 
#1 ·
I'm almost finished with the first draft of my 7th novel, and just like all the others, I'm struggling with the blurb. It's so hard to write something that intrigues the reader without giving away key elements of the story.

Here's my latest attempt. Fire away, please! Thanks.

When her parents are dragged away in handcuffs and her brother is locked up pending deportation, 13-year-old Emma Cabezas, an American citizen, is placed with a family whose ugly secrets are hidden within the walls of their home. Lonely and frightened, she makes a rash and desperate decision to attempt to reunite with her family. Her dangerous saga redefines her understanding of both family and home as she is forced to grow up very quickly in order to survive.
 
#2 ·
I like the last half, and it sounds like a compelling story. I think it's the first half that doesn't work for me. For one, that opening sentence is long. I also find myself wondering how she knows the brother is pending deportation with the implication she doesn't know what'll happen to her parents.

My suggestion for you:
Federal agents drag her parents away in handcuffs and lock up her brother pending deportation. Thirteen-year-old Emma Cabezas, an American citizen, gets placed with a family hiding ugly secrets. Lonely and frightened, she makes a rash and desperate decision to rejoin her family. Her dangerous saga redefines her understanding family and home as she must grow up very quickly in order to survive.
 
#3 ·
It's good.

Minor points: I would write "thirteen-year-old." You might check that.

"hidden within the walls of their home" made me think that they're going to remove the drywall and discover some documents. If that's not the case, and you just mean within the home, you  might reword that.

>"Her dangerous saga redefines her understanding"
A logical problem here. Saga = Story. It's not her story that redefines her understanding, it's what she does. That is, it's not the story of what she does that affects her. Subtle but important. If that's not clear, consider "The story of my wife's abuse led to our divorce."

It's three long sentences. Break them up? Change it to two paragraphs?


 
#4 ·
Sounds like an interesting book. It's YA, right? Like the others mentioned, that first sentence is way too long. Brian broke it up well for you. While the story sounds interesting, I think the blurb would work better if you added more specifics. Like, what country did the family get deported to? Also, can you name specific stakes she has to face to rejoin her family?

I'm a little confused as to what the books is about, I realize now. Is it about her trying to reunite with her family or is about the secrets of her new family? One is probably the primary story. I'd highlight that in the blurb. And end with the high stakes for the girl to intrigue the reader.
 
#5 ·
Hi Wingpeople!

Sounds like an interesting book! Love how this blurb is tight and to the point.

When her parents are dragged away in handcuffs and her brother is locked up pending deportation, 13-year-old Emma Cabezas, an American citizen, <-- Just tinkering here, but maybe "13-year-old American citizen, Emma Cabezas" is placed with a family whose ugly secrets are hidden within the walls of their home. <--ooh, I like! Lonely and frightened, <-- Instead of description of her emotional state (which we can infer from your lovely description of creepy foster family) maybe give us an inciting incident,. EX: "When her new foster brother tries to skin her with a potato peeler, she breaks into the deportation encampment to reunite with her family." she makes a rash and desperate decision to attempt to reunite with her family. Her dangerous saga redefines her understanding of both family and home as she is forced to grow up very quickly in order to survive. <-- Instead of summary here in the last sentence, show us the stakes. I love her survival is on the line, tell us more about this! And I love the hint of her emotional arc (redefining her understanding of family and home) but I want you to hook the reader by giving us specifics.
Hope this helps!

 
#6 ·
The opening sentence is unclear.  You have written it so that the parents fate and the brother's fate are separate, but it is not clear whether you intended that.  Also, it is not clear why the sister gets placed in a home, but the brother gets deported.  There might very well be a logistical reason, but there are too many questions.

"...whose ugly secrets are hidden within the walls of their home."  This makes me think that there is a body hidden in the walls.  But, since you say "secrets," I think there may be more than one.  These guys are foster parents?

So, the blurb implies that the girl finds out about whatever the secrets are and is frightened because of them, not because of the situation her family is in.  So, it is unclear why the girl is in flight.  Either of those reasons would be compelling.

I wouldn't use the word "rash."  She may be desperate, but whatever decision or action she takes is probably not rash.  Unless you want to say that she is in a blind panic.  Many children are, not saying that's wrong.  Just that it is unclear what's really going on.

"Her dangerous saga redefines her understanding family and home as she must grow up very quickly in order to survive."  This just can't be the hook.  This doesn't work at all.  It sounds like an afterthought, something you say just to get off the page quickly.

It also sounds clinical.  This is one reason why authors resort to asking questions at the end of a blurb.  Those let the reader decide a proposition and whether they want to find the answer by reading the book.  I don't advocate questions.  But, they are one step up from your ending, no offense intended.

Your blurb is too short unless it's going on the back of a movie jacket.  Enlarge upon this "coming of age" idea and lengthen your blurb a bit, and twist it so that there is a good hook.  For instance, you might think about what is going to happen to that awful foster family.  Because I don't know your plot, I can only guess about what they did, and that it's something quite evil, and they deserve punishment.

I doubt very much that a minor child can affect the outcome of any deportation or criminal proceeding--and, maybe you have a solution for that!--so, I think that perhaps concentrating on how she gets away from pure evil might be a hook of sorts.

One more thing:  do you really want to imply that there is a feel good solution for this awful, very current, situation with this child?  What age group are you aiming for, and what is your intent?  How you state this situation depends on what you are going for.  As I reread your blurb, it seems to me that the child could simply end up on the streets.  That's a dark ending.  Could be true, and it is heaped in facts about what really does happen to foster youth.  What's your intent?  For your particular blurb, the last paragraph is more important than any other.

Good luck!

 
#7 ·
Here's another shot:

With her older brother locked up pending deportation after attempting to renew his DACA status and her parents dragged away in handcuffs by ICE, thirteen-year-old Emma Cabezas - a U.S. citizen - is alone. Mrs. Moreno, her mother's friend, agrees to takes her in, but Emma soon witnesses the threatening truth about Sandi's husband and teenage sons. Lonely and frightened, she makes a rash and desperate decision to attempt to reunite with her family in Honduras.

Her dangerous odyssey redefines her understanding of both family and home as she is forced to grow up very quickly in order to survive.
Yes, this could be considered YA, but I'd also classify it as Contemporary. The situations are pretty heavy for the younger range of YA readers. My primary readers tend to be women, age 40+.

Here's my cover designer's current mock-up to help add context:

 
#8 ·
Another re-write:

In this evocative fictional tale inspired by today's headlines, thirteen-year-old Emma Cabezas, a U.S. citizen, is abruptly left without family or home. Her older brother faces deportation after attempting to renew his DACA status and her parents are dragged away in handcuffs by ICE. Family friend Sandi Moreno takes her in, but Emma soon witnesses the abusive truth about Sandi's husband and teenage sons. Desperate and afraid, she makes a rash decision to attempt to reunite with her deported loved ones in the murder capital of the world, Honduras.

Her dangerous odyssey redefines her understanding of both family and home as she is forced to grow up very quickly in order to survive.
 
#10 ·
You also need to add a hook - something that identifies the genre, stakes, main character, antagonistic force. Something like

An immigrant family ripped apart by an apathetic regime. A desperate attempt to reuinte them. Can a thirteen-year-old girl pull off the impossible?

Just a thought ....
 
#11 ·
When her parents are dragged away in handcuffs What did they do?and her brother is locked up pending deportation, 13-year-old Emma Cabezas, an American citizen, Emma is an American Citizen but her brother is not?is placed placed by who? and why into such a nasty family?with a family whose ugly secrets are hidden within the walls of their home. Lonely and frightened, she show us how this happens. She uses every last penny she has and hops a Greyhound busmakes a rash and desperate decision to attempt to reunite with her family. What family is she attempting to reunite with? Her parents and brother are in custody. Grandparents? An uncle? Cousin?Her dangerous saga Again show us a little bit of what her dangerous saga is. redefines her understanding of both family and home as she is forced to grow up very quickly in order to survive.

Sounds good but I think you have to answer some of those questions that are bound to come up reading it.
 
#12 ·
I'm looking forward to reading this book. Timely!

In this evocative fictional tale inspired by today�s headlines,
I find this a bit unnecessary, but maybe I'm just more up on current events than average?

Her older brother faces deportation after attempting to renew his DACA status and her parents are dragged away in handcuffs by ICE
.
2 acronyms in 1 sentence is a lot for me, and ICE isn't familiar to me as a non-American. DACA I know from the news lately.

Family friend Sandi Moreno takes her in, but Emma soon witnesses the abusive truth about Sandi's husband and teenage sons.
Is the truth abusive? Or the husband and sons?

Desperate and afraid, she makes a rash decision to attempt to reunite with her deported loved ones in the murder capital of the world, Honduras.
"Murder capital" to me means a city, and Honduras is a country.

Her dangerous odyssey redefines her understanding of both family and home
This seems a bit vague

as she is forced to grow up very quickly in order to survive.
I like this.

Hope that's helpful, I'm hardly an expert blurb editor, but good luck with it! I'm dreading writing my first one.
 
#13 ·
Thanks for all the helpful feedback, everyone! Just to clarify, this is not intended as a blurb to send to an agent or publisher. It is meant to be the book description for Amazon and the likes, which is why I'm keeping it short and trying to avoid giving away the entire story (for those who wanted it to be much longer and to include far more details on how the story works out).
 
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