Author Topic: You can say it better!  (Read 687 times)  

Offline Muyassar Sattarova

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You can say it better!
« on: January 12, 2018, 08:57:58 AM »
Can you describe better: "Her legs didn't obey her and led ahead!"

Online Anarchist

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Re: You can say it better!
« Reply #1 on: January 12, 2018, 09:08:29 AM »
Five new threads within 15 posts.

This does not bode well.

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." - Thomas Edison

"Strategy without tactics is the slowest route to victory. Tactics without strategy is the noise before defeat." - Sun Tzu

Online Shelley K

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Re: You can say it better!
« Reply #2 on: January 12, 2018, 12:07:07 PM »
Five new threads within 15 posts.

This does not bode well.



With her goal of publishing 2000 books this year (hopefully supposed to be 200 or even 20), I suspect it's for gathering material.

Sue me if I'm cynical. Happy to be proven wrong.

Online Anarchist

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Re: You can say it better!
« Reply #3 on: January 12, 2018, 12:10:37 PM »
With her goal of publishing 2000 books this year (hopefully supposed to be 200 or even 20), I suspect it's for gathering material.

Sue me if I'm cynical. Happy to be proven wrong.






"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." - Thomas Edison

"Strategy without tactics is the slowest route to victory. Tactics without strategy is the noise before defeat." - Sun Tzu

Offline Tilly

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Re: You can say it better!
« Reply #4 on: January 12, 2018, 12:27:37 PM »
Five new threads within 15 posts.

Given the OP's goal of publishing 2,000 books this year, or 5+ a day, they really shouldn't be wasting time on the k-boards asking a multitude of writing questions. Who has time for learning the craft, reading, critique partners or editors with that sort of production schedule?  ::)

Offline TromboneAl

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Re: You can say it better!
« Reply #5 on: January 13, 2018, 07:13:24 AM »
Can you describe better: "Her legs didn't obey her and led ahead!"

She stopped so quickly, she almost fell forward. She looked up at the mansion then closed her eyes. No! If I go there, I'll be raped and dismembered. Again. But when she opened her eyes, she found herself running up the stairs toward the criminal's front door, as if rushing to meet a husband home from the war.

Five new threads within 15 posts.

This does not bode well.



It could just indicate an enthusiasm for writing.

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Online Joseph Malik

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Re: You can say it better!
« Reply #6 on: January 13, 2018, 08:07:47 AM »
She willed her legs to stay back, but they charged ahead without her.

With no legs beneath her, her upper body fell to the road, a severed marionette, unfolding in a miasma of blood and gooey flesh. "Come . . . back . . ." she gasped, scooping at yards of steaming gut and slippery gray organs as she watched her legs disappear over the horizon.

"Well," she thought, "at least I didn't lose my head."


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Offline Skip Knox

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Re: You can say it better!
« Reply #7 on: January 13, 2018, 09:51:59 AM »
"Slippery Gray Organs" is the name of my next band.

Online NikolasTorVald

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Re: You can say it better!
« Reply #8 on: January 13, 2018, 10:02:06 AM »
She willed her legs to stay back, but they charged ahead without her.

With no legs beneath her, her upper body fell to the road, a severed marionette, unfolding in a miasma of blood and gooey flesh. "Come . . . back . . ." she gasped, scooping at yards of steaming gut and slippery gray organs as she watched her legs disappear over the horizon.

"Well," she thought, "at least I didn't lose my head."


I'll show myself out.

"At least I didn't lose my head." -- Nice one.

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Offline Harvey Click

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Re: You can say it better!
« Reply #9 on: January 13, 2018, 10:07:35 AM »
She willed her legs to stay back, but they charged ahead without her.

With no legs beneath her, her upper body fell to the road, a severed marionette, unfolding in a miasma of blood and gooey flesh. "Come . . . back . . ." she gasped, scooping at yards of steaming gut and slippery gray organs as she watched her legs disappear over the horizon.

"Well," she thought, "at least I didn't lose my head."


I'll show myself out.

I like!

Harvey Click

Offline wheart

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Re: You can say it better!
« Reply #10 on: January 13, 2018, 11:53:58 AM »
"Holy crap!" said her legs. "We have no choice. We gotta move on."
"No, stay the hell where you are," she said, hands gripping her thighs as though she could hold her legs back.
"Well, you're gonna have to use that axe of yours to hack us loose then, cuz we're leaving this hell hole! And we're leaving NOW!"
And with that, Legs, trembling as though the earth quaked beneath them, trudged ahead bravely to save their ass.

Offline SA_Soule

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Re: You can say it better!
« Reply #11 on: January 13, 2018, 12:36:18 PM »
Her legs wobbled forward as if pulled by invisible magnets. :-)

Online Joseph Malik

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Re: You can say it better!
« Reply #12 on: January 13, 2018, 12:40:07 PM »
"Holy crap!" said her legs. "We have no choice. We gotta move on."
"No, stay the hell where you are," she said, hands gripping her thighs as though she could hold her legs back.
"Well, you're gonna have to use that axe of yours to hack us loose then, cuz we're leaving this hell hole! And we're leaving NOW!"
And with that, Legs, trembling as though the earth quaked beneath them, trudged ahead bravely to save their ass.

So much win, right here.
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Hardcover now available.
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Offline wheart

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Re: You can say it better!
« Reply #13 on: January 13, 2018, 12:46:36 PM »
So much win, right here.

LOL, thanks. I laughed out loud when I read yours, so it inspired me to jump in :D. Can't wait to see what others come up with.

Online Shelley K

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Re: You can say it better!
« Reply #14 on: January 13, 2018, 02:11:15 PM »
So much win, right here.

Agreed!

In all seriousness, the best way to rewrite that requires knowing the context. Who is she? Why doesn't she want to walk toward whatever or whomever it is? Why is she drawn to it anyway? What's the genre and the situation?

It's generic and a bit awkward. That kind of reluctance probably needs more than a quick tell. You're probably going to want to write that differently if she's trying to resist the man who broke her heart but whom she's drawn to despite herself than if she's a reluctant hero trying to get off an alien planet because she learned to look out for only herself but she has discovered that the alien overlord is committing genocide against a gentle race of beings and she may be the only one who can can help them. It'll also be different if she's a victim of mind-control, or she's wearing futuristic braces that allow a paralyzed person to walk, but they've gone on the fritz.

The character herself will also change how you write it. A fat character on a diet might try to ignore doughnuts in the office but her thighs rub against each other until she's standing over the box, a daily habit.  A character about to get the results of a test that will decide her future (maybe not getting into law school, maybe a medical result) doesn't want to face the possibility of loss but her legs keeping moving as if through mud despite her growing panic as she gets closer to the door.

A sentence doesn't happen in a vacuum. Context informs what you write and how you write it.


Offline wheart

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Re: You can say it better!
« Reply #15 on: January 13, 2018, 02:19:50 PM »
Agreed!

In all seriousness, the best way to rewrite that requires knowing the context. Who is she? Why doesn't she want to walk toward whatever or whomever it is? Why is she drawn to it anyway? What's the genre and the situation?

It's generic and a bit awkward. That kind of reluctance probably needs more than a quick tell. You're probably going to want to write that differently if she's trying to resist the man who broke her heart but whom she's drawn to despite herself than if she's a reluctant hero trying to get off an alien planet because she learned to look out for only herself but she has discovered that the alien overlord is committing genocide against a gentle race of beings and she may be the only one who can can help them. It'll also be different if she's a victim of mind-control, or she's wearing futuristic braces that allow a paralyzed person to walk, but they've gone on the fritz.

The character herself will also change how you write it. A fat character on a diet might try to ignore doughnuts in the office but her thighs rub against each other until she's standing over the box, a daily habit.  A character about to get the results of a test that will decide her future (maybe not getting into law school, maybe a medical result) doesn't want to face the possibility of loss but her legs keeping moving as if through mud despite her growing panic as she gets closer to the door.

A sentence doesn't happen in a vacuum. Context informs what you write and how you write it.

Or this OP could've just been created as a fun, creative game? ;)

Jump in, Shelley, I know you can make us smile/laugh/hold our breath/cringe (if it's a horror scene)/etc. with whatever you come up with. From many of your posts, I know you have the knack :)

Can we please just have fun with this for no other reason?  :)
« Last Edit: January 13, 2018, 02:27:42 PM by wheart »

Online Shelley K

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Re: You can say it better!
« Reply #16 on: January 13, 2018, 02:47:04 PM »
Or this OP could've just been created as a fun, creative game? ;)

Jump in, Shelley, I know you can make us smile/laugh/hold our breath/cringe (if it's a horror scene)/etc. with whatever you come up with. From many of your posts, I know you have the knack :)

Can we please just have fun with this for no other reason?  :)

Good lord. Have your fun! I agreed that your example was great, and then had a weak moment where I tried to give a serious answer for the OP because, who knows, maybe my cynical reply above is wrong and she isn't spamming the board with 8-word questions to gain material for one of her 2000 books she'll publish this year and, in that case, my reply was extremely ungenerous. I am wrong sometimes. Every great now and then.

I should have been writing.
 

« Last Edit: January 13, 2018, 02:51:59 PM by Shelley K »

Offline wheart

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Re: You can say it better!
« Reply #17 on: January 13, 2018, 02:53:41 PM »
Good lord. Have your fun! I agreed that your example was great, and then had a weak moment where I tried to give a serious answer for the OP.

Ah, well I apologize then. I didn't realize your post was directed only at the OP. And to be honest, due to the very fact that there was no other info, I didn't interpret the OP's question to actually want to be specific to any theme. That's why I inferred this thread to be in fun.

Offline wheart

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Re: You can say it better!
« Reply #18 on: January 13, 2018, 03:04:27 PM »
...maybe my cynical reply above is wrong and she isn't spamming the board with 8-word questions to gain material for one of her 2000 books she'll publish this year and, in that case, my reply was extremely ungenerous. I am wrong sometimes. Every great now and then.

I should have been writing.

You edited the above part so I didn't see it before I posted in response to the original, so I'll add this part in a separate post ... it's understandable that you and others might've seen the OP's intentions that way. Al, and then others of us decided to turn this thread around to make it a fun exercise. For those who still want to participate, I hope you/they will.

How you felt was not wrong, it was your feelings at the time. I still would love to see how you'd write a scene (but I'll make sure not to be drinking anything, in case I shoot it out of my nostrils!)  :D. But if you choose not to, I totally understand.

Online Shelley K

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Re: You can say it better!
« Reply #19 on: January 13, 2018, 03:16:19 PM »
Ah, well I apologize then. I didn't realize your post was directed only at the OP. And to be honest, due to the very fact that there was no other info, I didn't interpret the OP's question to actually want to be specific to any theme. That's why I inferred this thread to be in fun.

Eh, I'm cranky. Sorry if I was snippy. I should have put "OP" in there to make it clear I was talking to her. Though, context clue, your snippet was hardly generic. :)

Offline wheart

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Re: You can say it better!
« Reply #20 on: January 13, 2018, 03:47:14 PM »
Eh, I'm cranky. Sorry if I was snippy. I should have put "OP" in there to make it clear I was talking to her. Though, context clue, your snippet was hardly generic. :)

:)

Let me buy you a virtual beer (or whatever you like to get a buzz from ... um ... that's legal, that is ;D)

Offline wheart

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Re: You can say it better!
« Reply #21 on: January 13, 2018, 07:00:22 PM »
I went through the OP's posts on Kboards and also read her bio on Amazon and her book descriptions. I didn't get the feeling she has any ill intentions here. She seems like a very positive, enthusiastic person, trying to keep that attitude (having experienced depression once) and make her life successful.

That's the impression I got, anyway. Whether my take on her is right or wrong (only she can know if her intentions are honorable and genuine), I hope to give her a chance here until proven otherwise.