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Blurb feedback - military sci-fi

708 views 10 replies 10 participants last post by  Bobcat Sci-fi 
#1 ·
Any feedback appreciated.

Out of the frying pan …
Basic Training is tough, but Kitchi Thrush is too stubborn to quit. He's sure that if he can just make it to graduation, things will get better.
Until he's assigned to the Kestrel, where the captain resents him and the crew thinks he doesn't belong. As the ship hunts pirates in deep space Kitchi struggles to fit in and wonders if things can get any worse.

They can.

And into the fire of interstellar war
A devastating attack leaves the ship crippled with half the crew dead or dying. The senior officers are wiped out, leaving a terrified sublieutenant in the last place he wants to be.

In command.
 
#4 ·
BrentNichols said:
A devastating attack leaves the ship crippled with half the crew dead or dying. The senior officers are wiped out, leaving a terrified sublieutenant in the last place he wants to be.

In command.
I would start with this. This is where the story really begins...the previous bits come across as day-to-day life/backstory. Obviously, it would need to be reworded, but the concept has impact and hookiness which the current opening doesn't.

Hope that helps!
 
#5 ·
Kitchi Thrush doesn't sound like a human name. Is he a non-human, if so what type of being is he? And is this why the crew doesn't feel he belongs and the captain resents him? Is he the first of his species to go through the training and that's why he was determined to stick it out?

What kind of spaceship are they on and what attacked them? I take it this wasn't just a normal pirate ship that got lucky if you say interstellar war. But what you have is too vague and doesn't sound tense enough.

Is this like advanced warning of a surprise armada ready to invade and he has to escape with what's left of the crew using guile to shake off pursuit in order to warn the Federation or whatever you call your organized government before it's too late?
 
#7 ·
I liked this blurb.  It tells me everything I need to know about the story, and lets me decide whether I want to read about his struggle.  It is a minimalist style, but it has everything that is needed.

However, if you must add to it, I would add on at the "in command" hook.  "In command, and in pursuit..."  Or something.  You can give direction to where the reader will look for further excitement.  I don't know your plot, so can't say what is going on.  Is it a matter of survival of the ship?  Or, is he going to get the pirates?  Or, are the shipmates that are left still giving him grief while he tries to accomplish the mission, but now he is changing into a different guy?  You can say something else here without giving away too much of the plot.  After all, the real story is how the character changes.

I don't mind the character's name.  I've already imagined that he is tormented with "Kitchi Koo."  Those shipmates are mean mothers.

Good luck!
 
#11 ·
I liked the Blurb but I feel like it should be the intro, and not just the whole. I think you should have a short paragraph after that to tie it all together and set the stakes of the story (like is it a fight to stay alive kinda story where the character just tries to get back home safely, is it a 'there's a big bad scheming enemy out there' who's trying to destroy everything the main character cares about sorta story etc)
 
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