Author Topic: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE  (Read 1629 times)  

Offline LHTide

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Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« on: February 07, 2018, 02:05:29 PM »

Hello everyone,

I need your advice for the improvement of my dystopian-zombie horror novel.
DrewMcGunn told me that it was probably overly detailed, and that I give too much information.
Avoiding too much backstory may be a good solution for its improvement.
What is your view on this, please? Thank you by avance:

HUNGRY - Origins of Red (HUNGRY Series Book 1)

It really sucks to grow up in a Zombie World...

As long as she could remember, Red and her parents lived a life of hiding, hording food, and doing their best to survive the living dead hunting them down. Right as they were about to reach sanctuary, her parents were cut down. Red was saved from their fate and adopted into the community, a fascinating city protected by a giant dome and deemed impenetrable walls.

But the trauma still haunts her to this day. Vowing to slay every last zombie, she trains in martial arts daily with her friends. She's good, and she tells herself that, soon, she'll unleash her wrath upon the living dead.
But her old Master also wants to teach her more than just fighting techniques.

The value of patience, in the first place.

When some fishy-looking scientist joins the community, promising hope for the future with his strange, fascinating crystal-like substance, he is welcomed with open arms. But not everyone is convinced he is sincere, especially when the increased attacks from the undead coincide with his arrival.

Tension builds, tempers fray, and it may be up to Red and her friends to discover the truth before they are overwhelmed from the dangers coming from outside... But also from within.

This is the Book 1 of the horror-dystopia Zombie Series HUNGRY.


Offline ShayneRutherford

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #1 on: February 07, 2018, 02:19:29 PM »
I'd read the crap out of that. When does it come out?
     

Online Talia Vines

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #2 on: February 07, 2018, 02:40:15 PM »
Hi LH!  This has good bones and I love the premise.  Hope the feedback helps!



HUNGRY - Origins of Red (HUNGRY Series Book 1)

It really sucks to grow up in a Zombie World...

As long as she could remember, Red and her parents lived a life of hiding, hording hoarding food, and doing their best to survive the living dead hunting them down. Right as they were about to reach sanctuary, her parents were cut down. Red was saved from their fate and adopted into the community, a fascinating city protected by a giant dome and deemed impenetrable walls.

But the trauma still haunts her to this day. Vowing to slay every last zombie, she trains in martial arts daily with her friends. She's good, and she tells herself that, soon, she'll unleash her wrath upon the living dead.
But her old Master also wants to teach her more than just fighting techniques.

The value of patience, in the first place. <-- most of what you've got up until this point is backstory. Although you need some to set the scene, you might want to shoot for a few sentences: Brutally orphaned by the zombie apocalypse, Red lives only for her adoptive community, her beloved martial arts Master, and the burning need to kill as many dead heads as she can.  (Only you'll do a much better job than I hacked here :))  I would also add something here that goes to her character arc.  From the rest of the blurb, I would guess that might be something along the lines of, "Red will do anything to save the community who saved her...." or some such, to set us up for what you show later, which is: Red may have to risk losing her community to save them.

When some fishy-looking scientist joins the community, promising hope for the future with his strange, fascinating crystal-like substance, he is welcomed with open arms. But not everyone <-- who exactly?  I'm betting it's Red and a few close friends.  Tell us so :) is convinced he is sincere, especially when the increased attacks from the undead coincide with his arrival. <-- here you have some great stakes.  Red only has this last bit of 'family' left, and they are threatened by the fishy-looking of scientists, as well as their own inability to see the danger.  Nice!

Tension builds, tempers fray, <--ooh, more specific please!  What is the hook or question that will make us wild to pick up a book to get the answer?  and it may<-- get rid of the 'may', right?  It's GOTTA be up to Red, she's our protag! be up to Red and her friends to discover the truth before they are overwhelmed from the dangers coming from outside... But also from within.

This is the Book 1 of the horror-dystopia Zombie Series HUNGRY.
« Last Edit: February 07, 2018, 02:55:40 PM by Talia Vines »

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Offline Marty South

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #3 on: February 07, 2018, 03:09:03 PM »
There's something flippant about the tagline that doesn't match the rest of the blurb, and from what I can tell, the overall tone of the story. So I tried to come up with something more fitting. Also, at 224 words, it's too long. I made some cuts, then came back to discover Talia Vine's post with some good comments, too. Below, I've cut it down from 224 words to 155. (I like to keep blurbs around 150 words.)

The danger from outside can't compare to the danger within.

As long as she could remember, Red and her parents lived a life of hiding, hording food, and doing their best to survive while the living dead hunted them down. They'd nearly arrived at a sanctuary, when her parents were cut down. Red escaped their fate and was adopted into the community, a dome-enclosed city safe from the zombies.

Haunted by the trauma, she vows to slay every last zombie and trains daily in martial arts to prepare. But her old master tells her there's more than just fighting technique-the value of patience, for starters.

When a peculiar scientist arrives with a substance he claims will combat the undead, the zombie attacks escalate, causing tension among community residents. Red seizes the chance to discover the truth before the danger from outside is overshadowed by the danger within.

Book 1 of Hungry, a dystopian horror series


Online Dragovian

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #4 on: February 07, 2018, 05:51:42 PM »
I'll take a stab at it.


The zombies took everything.

Home, childhood, parents...Red lost it all to the undead. Even after she finds sanctuary in a dome-enclosed city, the trauma haunts her. She throws herself into training, determined to protect her home and keep her vow to destroy the monsters who stole her world.

The community's hopes are raised by the arrival of a scientist, but his claim to have a substance which will combat the undead coincides with an increase in zombie attacks. Suspicions raised, Red sets out to learn the truth.

Because the danger from outside may be nothing compared to the danger from within.


I've doubled my writing speed by playing on 4theWords. Come give it a try! My referral code is PFXBS32680.

Offline LHTide

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #5 on: February 08, 2018, 02:36:51 PM »
I'd read the crap out of that. When does it come out?

Hi ShayneRutherford,

This ebook is already on sale at :

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B076TZV7LK

Passionate readers are welcome, especially since I lack Reviews for this novel...
Do some people here know if using the Hidden Gems site, for getting Reviews, is always worth it?
Hoping by the way that these reviews wouldn't quickly evaporate... or are there good solutions to
have verified Reviews following 'Zone's drastic regulations?
I've read some threads here about this subject, but reading them didn't clarify things for me...
Well, I don't know if this uncomprehension is because I'm tired these days (day job + writing +
my son's homework to supervise), or if it's because it's a rather "foggy" subject, these days...

Thank you for your answers, I wish to you a nice day

L. H. Tide






Offline LHTide

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #6 on: February 08, 2018, 02:38:47 PM »
Hi LH!  This has good bones and I love the premise.  Hope the feedback helps!



HUNGRY - Origins of Red (HUNGRY Series Book 1)

It really sucks to grow up in a Zombie World...

As long as she could remember, Red and her parents lived a life of hiding, hording hoarding food, and doing their best to survive the living dead hunting them down. Right as they were about to reach sanctuary, her parents were cut down. Red was saved from their fate and adopted into the community, a fascinating city protected by a giant dome and deemed impenetrable walls.

But the trauma still haunts her to this day. Vowing to slay every last zombie, she trains in martial arts daily with her friends. She's good, and she tells herself that, soon, she'll unleash her wrath upon the living dead.
But her old Master also wants to teach her more than just fighting techniques.

The value of patience, in the first place. <-- most of what you've got up until this point is backstory. Although you need some to set the scene, you might want to shoot for a few sentences: Brutally orphaned by the zombie apocalypse, Red lives only for her adoptive community, her beloved martial arts Master, and the burning need to kill as many dead heads as she can.  (Only you'll do a much better job than I hacked here :))  I would also add something here that goes to her character arc.  From the rest of the blurb, I would guess that might be something along the lines of, "Red will do anything to save the community who saved her...." or some such, to set us up for what you show later, which is: Red may have to risk losing her community to save them.

When some fishy-looking scientist joins the community, promising hope for the future with his strange, fascinating crystal-like substance, he is welcomed with open arms. But not everyone <-- who exactly?  I'm betting it's Red and a few close friends.  Tell us so :) is convinced he is sincere, especially when the increased attacks from the undead coincide with his arrival. <-- here you have some great stakes.  Red only has this last bit of 'family' left, and they are threatened by the fishy-looking of scientists, as well as their own inability to see the danger.  Nice!

Tension builds, tempers fray, <--ooh, more specific please!  What is the hook or question that will make us wild to pick up a book to get the answer?  and it may<-- get rid of the 'may', right?  It's GOTTA be up to Red, she's our protag! be up to Red and her friends to discover the truth before they are overwhelmed from the dangers coming from outside... But also from within.

This is the Book 1 of the horror-dystopia Zombie Series HUNGRY.

Thank you very much for all these details and your help, Talia.
 :)

Offline LHTide

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #7 on: February 08, 2018, 02:40:41 PM »
There's something flippant about the tagline that doesn't match the rest of the blurb, and from what I can tell, the overall tone of the story. So I tried to come up with something more fitting. Also, at 224 words, it's too long. I made some cuts, then came back to discover Talia Vine's post with some good comments, too. Below, I've cut it down from 224 words to 155. (I like to keep blurbs around 150 words.)

The danger from outside can't compare to the danger within.

As long as she could remember, Red and her parents lived a life of hiding, hording food, and doing their best to survive while the living dead hunted them down. They'd nearly arrived at a sanctuary, when her parents were cut down. Red escaped their fate and was adopted into the community, a dome-enclosed city safe from the zombies.

Haunted by the trauma, she vows to slay every last zombie and trains daily in martial arts to prepare. But her old master tells her there's more than just fighting technique-the value of patience, for starters.

When a peculiar scientist arrives with a substance he claims will combat the undead, the zombie attacks escalate, causing tension among community residents. Red seizes the chance to discover the truth before the danger from outside is overshadowed by the danger within.

Book 1 of Hungry, a dystopian horror series



Your help is also very appreciated, Marty.
The comparison between the different propositions will permit me to improve
greatly my blurb!

Merci
 ;)




Offline LHTide

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #8 on: February 08, 2018, 02:44:52 PM »
I'll take a stab at it.


The zombies took everything.

Home, childhood, parents...Red lost it all to the undead. Even after she finds sanctuary in a dome-enclosed city, the trauma haunts her. She throws herself into training, determined to protect her home and keep her vow to destroy the monsters who stole her world.

The community's hopes are raised by the arrival of a scientist, but his claim to have a substance which will combat the undead coincides with an increase in zombie attacks. Suspicions raised, Red sets out to learn the truth.

Because the danger from outside may be nothing compared to the danger from within.


Concise and impressive, at the same time...
It's an efficient proposition which is going to inspire me a lot, while I'm going to change my blurb,
during this weekend.

Thank you too, I wish you a nice day
 :)




Offline The Bass Bagwhan

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #9 on: February 08, 2018, 04:43:58 PM »
I'll take a stab at it.


The zombies took everything.

Home, childhood, parents...Red lost it all to the undead. Even after she finds sanctuary in a dome-enclosed city, the trauma haunts her. She throws herself into training, determined to protect her home and keep her vow to destroy the monsters who stole her world.

The community's hopes are raised by the arrival of a scientist, but his claim to have a substance which will combat the undead coincides with an increase in zombie attacks. Suspicions raised, Red sets out to learn the truth.

Because the danger from outside may be nothing compared to the danger from within.


This is good. The original blurb certainly was way too much information.
Author, freelance writer and editor, professional musician, recording engineer... published in Australia, the UK and Germany. So why am I poor? Oh, wait...
I'll be a writer... seemed like a good idea at the time

Offline kw3000

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #10 on: February 08, 2018, 05:48:26 PM »
That's a cool premise. Congrats, LHTide.  8)

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Offline Alan Petersen

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #11 on: February 08, 2018, 05:51:23 PM »
I'll take a stab at it.


The zombies took everything.

Home, childhood, parents...Red lost it all to the undead. Even after she finds sanctuary in a dome-enclosed city, the trauma haunts her. She throws herself into training, determined to protect her home and keep her vow to destroy the monsters who stole her world.

The community's hopes are raised by the arrival of a scientist, but his claim to have a substance which will combat the undead coincides with an increase in zombie attacks. Suspicions raised, Red sets out to learn the truth.

Because the danger from outside may be nothing compared to the danger from within.


Nice. Good job.


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Offline ShayneRutherford

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #12 on: February 08, 2018, 07:35:15 PM »
Hi ShayneRutherford,

This ebook is already on sale at :

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B076TZV7LK

Sweet! Bought it. :)
     

Offline Max 007

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #13 on: February 08, 2018, 08:54:01 PM »
Hi ShayneRutherford,

This ebook is already on sale at :

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B076TZV7LK

Passionate readers are welcome, especially since I lack Reviews for this novel...
Do some people here know if using the Hidden Gems site, for getting Reviews, is always worth it?
Hoping by the way that these reviews wouldn't quickly evaporate... or are there good solutions to
have verified Reviews following 'Zone's drastic regulations?
I've read some threads here about this subject, but reading them didn't clarify things for me...
Well, I don't know if this uncomprehension is because I'm tired these days (day job + writing +
my son's homework to supervise), or if it's because it's a rather "foggy" subject, these days...

Thank you for your answers, I wish to you a nice day

L. H. Tide

Cool cover ... I have seen the LI before somewhere... it reminds me of the walking dead. 

Look at your rank in "Zombies" ... I had no idea the they had a "Zombies" category ...

Good luck!

Offline LHTide

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #14 on: February 10, 2018, 01:51:57 PM »
This is good. The original blurb certainly was way too much information.

I totally agree with you.
 :)

Offline LHTide

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #15 on: February 10, 2018, 01:55:48 PM »
That's a cool premise. Congrats, LHTide.  8)

Thank you very much.
I appreciate greatly your congratulations!
 ;)

Offline LHTide

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #16 on: February 10, 2018, 02:33:05 PM »
Nice. Good job.

Yes, I'm grateful for all the help that I've received here.
 :D

Offline LHTide

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #17 on: February 10, 2018, 02:43:17 PM »
Sweet! Bought it. :)

Thank you, I'm touched by your support!
I believe that you'll give a honest review which will always be welcome.
 ;)


Offline LHTide

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #18 on: February 10, 2018, 02:51:28 PM »
Cool cover ... I have seen the LI before somewhere... it reminds me of the walking dead. 

Look at your rank in "Zombies" ... I had no idea the they had a "Zombies" category ...

Good luck!

Thank you.
 ;D
Yes, there's a Zombies category, and I confirm that I've been inspired by
the Walking Dead series.

Thanks to you too for your kind support.
 :)






Online DrewMcGunn

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #19 on: February 10, 2018, 05:07:18 PM »
Hello everyone,

I need your advice for the improvement of my dystopian-zombie horror novel.
DrewMcGunn told me that it was probably overly detailed, and that I give too much information.
Avoiding too much backstory may be a good solution for its improvement.
What is your view on this, please? Thank you by avance:
...
Uh oh, wreaking wordy blurbs in single bounds... it's my destiny.  :D
j/k

I really like both Talia Vines' edits and also Marty South's recommendations.
I see it's in KU. I'll try to take a look at the story, too.

Drew McGunn

Offline TElleryHodges

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #20 on: February 10, 2018, 06:47:25 PM »
I took a quick crack at it, but honestly I'm as bad at copy as the next guy...  can't often tell if I'm actually improving these things:


The second rung of the food chain sucks.

Red was born into a world of Zombies. Hiding, hording food, and fleeing the undead with her parents--until they were cut down.
Adopted by the same community that saved her as a child, she grows up in [insert name], a city protected beneath the impenetrable walls of a giant dome.

But the trauma haunts her, and there is no such thing as safety.
Vowing to bring an end to the undead threat, she seeks a life of training. Having forged herself into a weapon, she awaits the moment she can finally be unleashed. Yet, her old Master insists there is more to learn then violence.

Patience for starters

Then, along came a stranger.  A scientist carrying a strange crystal-like substance and promises of hope for the future. Not everyone believes he can be trusted, especially when the attacks of undead seem to have increased with his arrival.

Tensions build, tempers fray, and it is up to Red and her friends to discover the truth before they are overwhelmedfrom outside or within.

This is the Book 1 of the horror-dystopia Zombie Series HUNGRY.

Get your copy and start reading today!


« Last Edit: February 10, 2018, 06:50:08 PM by TElleryHodges »

Offline Max 007

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #21 on: February 11, 2018, 06:25:43 AM »
I took a quick crack at it, but honestly I'm as bad at copy as the next guy...  can't often tell if I'm actually improving these things:


The second rung of the food chain sucks.

Red was born into a world of Zombies. Hiding, hording food, and fleeing the undead with her parents--until they were cut down.
Adopted by the same community that saved her as a child, she grows up in [insert name], a city protected beneath the impenetrable walls of a giant dome.

But the trauma haunts her, and there is no such thing as safety.
Vowing to bring an end to the undead threat, she seeks a life of training. Having forged herself into a weapon, she awaits the moment she can finally be unleashed. Yet, her old Master insists there is more to learn then violence.

Patience for starters

Then, along came a stranger.  A scientist carrying a strange crystal-like substance and promises of hope for the future. Not everyone believes he can be trusted, especially when the attacks of undead seem to have increased with his arrival.

Tensions build, tempers fray, and it is up to Red and her friends to discover the truth before they are overwhelmedfrom outside or within.

This is the Book 1 of the horror-dystopia Zombie Series HUNGRY.

Get your copy and start reading today!

You do know how to make good synopsis as copy!   ;D I see your works are doing well too!  Congrats!

Offline SA_Soule

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #22 on: February 11, 2018, 03:26:46 PM »
I'll take a stab at it.


The zombies took everything.

Home, childhood, parents...Red lost it all to the undead. Even after she finds sanctuary in a dome-enclosed city, the trauma haunts her. She throws herself into training, determined to protect her home and keep her vow to destroy the monsters who stole her world.

The community's hopes are raised by the arrival of a scientist, but his claim to have a substance which will combat the undead coincides with an increase in zombie attacks. Suspicions raised, Red sets out to learn the truth.

Because the danger from outside may be nothing compared to the danger from within.


Ohhhh, I like this one!

Offline SA_Soule

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #23 on: February 11, 2018, 03:33:31 PM »
Another thing...

I like your cover, but it needs more blending. Did you design it yourself? If you did, I can help if you want to send me the file. (no charge) Plus, the fonts and placement of text looks off, IMHO. The fonts don't match the genre.

One last critique, when I used the "Look Inside" feature, the text looks too compact. I would add some spacing between sentences and an indentation at the beginning of every new paragraph, which will make it easier to read.

Hope this helps!

Offline LHTide

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #24 on: February 12, 2018, 02:49:24 PM »
Uh oh, wreaking wordy blurbs in single bounds... it's my destiny.  :D
j/k

I really like both Talia Vines' edits and also Marty South's recommendations.
I see it's in KU. I'll try to take a look at the story, too.

Hello,

As you can see see :

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B076TZV7LK

I followed your advice and chose a much shorter blurb - despite not saying no, in the future,
to longer versions proposed to me.
You're welcome to read my first zombie-dystopian novel, especially if you appreciate
the kind of "Slice'em up" (like "Shoot'em up") stories.
Normally, I appreciate more writing Science Fiction, this fist novel and first book of my first
series, is also my first try to write to market (zombie series remained a hot trend,  one
year ago).
Was it a wise choice to write in a genre which isn't usually mine?
Two things are sure: not only did I appreciate the Walking Dead series which in part inspired
me, but I had fun writing it.
I have the hope that it will be sufficient for many people to have fun reading the series.
 :)

Thank you again to all the kind people who give me their precious advice.


L. H. Tide









Offline LHTide

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #25 on: February 12, 2018, 02:57:37 PM »
I took a quick crack at it, but honestly I'm as bad at copy as the next guy...  can't often tell if I'm actually improving these things:


The second rung of the food chain sucks.

Red was born into a world of Zombies. Hiding, hording food, and fleeing the undead with her parents--until they were cut down.
Adopted by the same community that saved her as a child, she grows up in [insert name], a city protected beneath the impenetrable walls of a giant dome.

But the trauma haunts her, and there is no such thing as safety.
Vowing to bring an end to the undead threat, she seeks a life of training. Having forged herself into a weapon, she awaits the moment she can finally be unleashed. Yet, her old Master insists there is more to learn then violence.

Patience for starters

Then, along came a stranger.  A scientist carrying a strange crystal-like substance and promises of hope for the future. Not everyone believes he can be trusted, especially when the attacks of undead seem to have increased with his arrival.

Tensions build, tempers fray, and it is up to Red and her friends to discover the truth before they are overwhelmedfrom outside or within.

This is the Book 1 of the horror-dystopia Zombie Series HUNGRY.

Get your copy and start reading today!


Hi,

Before reading your modified version of my initial long blurb, I had chosen to reduce the length of my blurb while using a lightly modified version of the short blurb which was proposed to me.
But this doesn't mean that I completely abandon long blurbs, and I appreciate the creativity you added, especially
the "copyright pulse" you inserted at its end!
It's probably going to inspire me, and not only for my blurb: I'm thinking about creating a second AMS Ad for the same ebook, with the kind of emphasis you proposed.

Until then, I wish you a nice day, and thank you very much for your support.


L. H. Tide




Offline LHTide

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #26 on: February 12, 2018, 03:01:57 PM »
You do know how to make good synopsis as copy!   ;D I see your works are doing well too!  Congrats!

Yes, congrats, you prove that long blurbs can work too, with your good ranking.
 :D



Offline LHTide

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #27 on: February 12, 2018, 03:09:00 PM »
Another thing...

I like your cover, but it needs more blending. Did you design it yourself? If you did, I can help if you want to send me the file. (no charge) Plus, the fonts and placement of text looks off, IMHO. The fonts don't match the genre.

One last critique, when I used the "Look Inside" feature, the text looks too compact. I would add some spacing between sentences and an indentation at the beginning of every new paragraph, which will make it easier to read.

Hope this helps!


Hello,

I appreciate any improvement of my ebook covers.
This ebook cover wasn't created by me but by someone else, a professional artist, to whom
I asked to only create the picture, wanting to add myself the title, subtitle and my pseudonym.
I appreciate it, compared to the precedent version, because it looks much more like
other zombie novels covers.
I'm conscious about the fact that the fonts can be greatly improved.
What do you mean by "blending"?

Let's stay in contact, until then, I appreciate your support and wish you a nice day.


L. H. Tide











Offline JulianneQJohnson

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #28 on: February 12, 2018, 07:58:15 PM »
I think the blurb is coming along nicely.  I went and took a peek at the book as well, and the lack of formatting made it difficult to read.  I gave up long before the sneak peek ended.  Id this a problem in preview, or is it in the actual book.  The good news is that it's never too late to format!  There are tons of online instructions for simple eBook formatting.


Offline Marty South

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #29 on: February 13, 2018, 03:28:33 AM »
Nice! A couple of thoughts to fine-tune it (because with a blurb, every tiny bit matters):
  • It would be even stronger if the second full paragraph ("The community's hopes") were in active voice.
  • I'd move the tagline to the top. When people are shopping, sometimes all you get is a few seconds to grab their attention, which is why we have taglines. So I'd hit them with the tagline, then begin para 1 with the zombies sentence.
  • You've got community hopes raised and suspicions raised. I'd change one.
  • I would end with an action to propel readers into the story (i.e., propel them to the buy button). Safeguarding loved ones might not be strong enough.
Good luck with the book! :)

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #30 on: February 13, 2018, 02:18:39 PM »
I think the blurb is coming along nicely.  I went and took a peek at the book as well, and the lack of formatting made it difficult to read.  I gave up long before the sneak peek ended.  Id this a problem in preview, or is it in the actual book.  The good news is that it's never too late to format!  There are tons of online instructions for simple eBook formatting.


Hello JulianneQJohnson,

You're very probably right, you're the third person who, recently, told me
that the text of my novel needs an actual improvement.
The other two persons told me that I should put some spacing between the
paragraphs, and put an indentation at the beginning of each of them.
I've read somewhere that this indentation must be of about one inch in the case
of all the paragraphs. Some other texts advise to put NOT put the indentation at
the beginning of the first paragraph of a chapter. Could you please tell me how
you do it?
I'm realizing that, contrary to what I thought, ebook formatting isn't limited to
finding the good html structure for a mobi/azw file.
The structuring of the paragraphs is also important, and not only for the electronic
book version, I imagine. And if I want to make valuable POD versions of my novels,
I imagine that I must be careful about the quality of 100% of my texts.
Well, see and learn...

Thank you for your help and your advice!
 :)

L. H. Tide







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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #31 on: February 13, 2018, 02:37:15 PM »
Nice! A couple of thoughts to fine-tune it (because with a blurb, every tiny bit matters):
  • It would be even stronger if the second full paragraph ("The community's hopes") were in active voice.
  • I'd move the tagline to the top. When people are shopping, sometimes all you get is a few seconds to grab their attention, which is why we have taglines. So I'd hit them with the tagline, then begin para 1 with the zombies sentence.
  • You've got community hopes raised and suspicions raised. I'd change one.
  • I would end with an action to propel readers into the story (i.e., propel them to the buy button). Safeguarding loved ones might not be strong enough.
Good luck with the book! :)


Thank you very much for all this precious advice, I'm going to use it
to fine-tune, as you wrote, my blurb.
It's wonderful to have so many generous people in this forum, ready
to share their experience!
 :D

Hoping to be one day able to help others at my turn, I wish you a nice day.


L. H. Tide








Offline LHTide

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #32 on: February 13, 2018, 02:52:23 PM »
Nice! A couple of thoughts to fine-tune it (because with a blurb, every tiny bit matters):
  • It would be even stronger if the second full paragraph ("The community's hopes") were in active voice.
  • I'd move the tagline to the top. When people are shopping, sometimes all you get is a few seconds to grab their attention, which is why we have taglines. So I'd hit them with the tagline, then begin para 1 with the zombies sentence.
  • You've got community hopes raised and suspicions raised. I'd change one.
  • I would end with an action to propel readers into the story (i.e., propel them to the buy button). Safeguarding loved ones might not be strong enough.
Good luck with the book! :)

One more little thing...
Could you please tell me what sentence is the tagline you're speaking about,
in my present Blurb? (not yet modified)
I clearly lack marketing talents and experience, and this prevents me from
finding what is what, LOL.

Thank you again
 :)


L. H. Tide





Offline Marty South

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #33 on: February 13, 2018, 04:20:47 PM »
One more little thing...
Could you please tell me what sentence is the tagline you're speaking about,
in my present Blurb?

Sure. The tagline is that catchy line you've got in bold at the end. So, basically, beginning with your latest version, I'm suggesting the following. (I've taken some liberties. For instance, I don't know for sure if tis been years since she arrived.):

The danger outside may be nothing compared to the danger from within.

The zombies took everything from Red. Home, childhood, parents--she lost it all to the undead. Years after she finds sanctuary in the Community, a dome-enclosed city, the memory still haunts her. She throws herself into martial arts training and vows to destroy the monsters who stole her world.

When a scientist arrives with a material he claims will combat the undead, hope spreads through the Community. But his arrival coincides with increased zombie attacks, and the people want answers. Red sets out to find them, determined to safeguard her beloved adoptive family and friends before it's too late.

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #34 on: February 14, 2018, 02:24:05 PM »
Sure. The tagline is that catchy line you've got in bold at the end. So, basically, beginning with your latest version, I'm suggesting the following. (I've taken some liberties. For instance, I don't know for sure if tis been years since she arrived.):

The danger outside may be nothing compared to the danger from within.

The zombies took everything from Red. Home, childhood, parents--she lost it all to the undead. Years after she finds sanctuary in the Community, a dome-enclosed city, the memory still haunts her. She throws herself into martial arts training and vows to destroy the monsters who stole her world.

When a scientist arrives with a material he claims will combat the undead, hope spreads through the Community. But his arrival coincides with increased zombie attacks, and the people want answers. Red sets out to find them, determined to safeguard her beloved adoptive family and friends before it's too late.


Thank you very much for your precious precisions, Marty.
I've just modified my blurb following your indications.
 ;)

Kind regards,


L. H. Tide