Author Topic: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE  (Read 1517 times)  

Offline LHTide

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #25 on: February 12, 2018, 02:57:37 PM »
I took a quick crack at it, but honestly I'm as bad at copy as the next guy...  can't often tell if I'm actually improving these things:


The second rung of the food chain sucks.

Red was born into a world of Zombies. Hiding, hording food, and fleeing the undead with her parents--until they were cut down.
Adopted by the same community that saved her as a child, she grows up in [insert name], a city protected beneath the impenetrable walls of a giant dome.

But the trauma haunts her, and there is no such thing as safety.
Vowing to bring an end to the undead threat, she seeks a life of training. Having forged herself into a weapon, she awaits the moment she can finally be unleashed. Yet, her old Master insists there is more to learn then violence.

Patience for starters

Then, along came a stranger.  A scientist carrying a strange crystal-like substance and promises of hope for the future. Not everyone believes he can be trusted, especially when the attacks of undead seem to have increased with his arrival.

Tensions build, tempers fray, and it is up to Red and her friends to discover the truth before they are overwhelmedfrom outside or within.

This is the Book 1 of the horror-dystopia Zombie Series HUNGRY.

Get your copy and start reading today!


Hi,

Before reading your modified version of my initial long blurb, I had chosen to reduce the length of my blurb while using a lightly modified version of the short blurb which was proposed to me.
But this doesn't mean that I completely abandon long blurbs, and I appreciate the creativity you added, especially
the "copyright pulse" you inserted at its end!
It's probably going to inspire me, and not only for my blurb: I'm thinking about creating a second AMS Ad for the same ebook, with the kind of emphasis you proposed.

Until then, I wish you a nice day, and thank you very much for your support.


L. H. Tide




Offline LHTide

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #26 on: February 12, 2018, 03:01:57 PM »
You do know how to make good synopsis as copy!   ;D I see your works are doing well too!  Congrats!

Yes, congrats, you prove that long blurbs can work too, with your good ranking.
 :D



Offline LHTide

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #27 on: February 12, 2018, 03:09:00 PM »
Another thing...

I like your cover, but it needs more blending. Did you design it yourself? If you did, I can help if you want to send me the file. (no charge) Plus, the fonts and placement of text looks off, IMHO. The fonts don't match the genre.

One last critique, when I used the "Look Inside" feature, the text looks too compact. I would add some spacing between sentences and an indentation at the beginning of every new paragraph, which will make it easier to read.

Hope this helps!


Hello,

I appreciate any improvement of my ebook covers.
This ebook cover wasn't created by me but by someone else, a professional artist, to whom
I asked to only create the picture, wanting to add myself the title, subtitle and my pseudonym.
I appreciate it, compared to the precedent version, because it looks much more like
other zombie novels covers.
I'm conscious about the fact that the fonts can be greatly improved.
What do you mean by "blending"?

Let's stay in contact, until then, I appreciate your support and wish you a nice day.


L. H. Tide











Offline JulianneQJohnson

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #28 on: February 12, 2018, 07:58:15 PM »
I think the blurb is coming along nicely.  I went and took a peek at the book as well, and the lack of formatting made it difficult to read.  I gave up long before the sneak peek ended.  Id this a problem in preview, or is it in the actual book.  The good news is that it's never too late to format!  There are tons of online instructions for simple eBook formatting.


Offline Marty South

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #29 on: February 13, 2018, 03:28:33 AM »
Nice! A couple of thoughts to fine-tune it (because with a blurb, every tiny bit matters):
  • It would be even stronger if the second full paragraph ("The community's hopes") were in active voice.
  • I'd move the tagline to the top. When people are shopping, sometimes all you get is a few seconds to grab their attention, which is why we have taglines. So I'd hit them with the tagline, then begin para 1 with the zombies sentence.
  • You've got community hopes raised and suspicions raised. I'd change one.
  • I would end with an action to propel readers into the story (i.e., propel them to the buy button). Safeguarding loved ones might not be strong enough.
Good luck with the book! :)

Offline LHTide

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #30 on: February 13, 2018, 02:18:39 PM »
I think the blurb is coming along nicely.  I went and took a peek at the book as well, and the lack of formatting made it difficult to read.  I gave up long before the sneak peek ended.  Id this a problem in preview, or is it in the actual book.  The good news is that it's never too late to format!  There are tons of online instructions for simple eBook formatting.


Hello JulianneQJohnson,

You're very probably right, you're the third person who, recently, told me
that the text of my novel needs an actual improvement.
The other two persons told me that I should put some spacing between the
paragraphs, and put an indentation at the beginning of each of them.
I've read somewhere that this indentation must be of about one inch in the case
of all the paragraphs. Some other texts advise to put NOT put the indentation at
the beginning of the first paragraph of a chapter. Could you please tell me how
you do it?
I'm realizing that, contrary to what I thought, ebook formatting isn't limited to
finding the good html structure for a mobi/azw file.
The structuring of the paragraphs is also important, and not only for the electronic
book version, I imagine. And if I want to make valuable POD versions of my novels,
I imagine that I must be careful about the quality of 100% of my texts.
Well, see and learn...

Thank you for your help and your advice!
 :)

L. H. Tide







Offline LHTide

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #31 on: February 13, 2018, 02:37:15 PM »
Nice! A couple of thoughts to fine-tune it (because with a blurb, every tiny bit matters):
  • It would be even stronger if the second full paragraph ("The community's hopes") were in active voice.
  • I'd move the tagline to the top. When people are shopping, sometimes all you get is a few seconds to grab their attention, which is why we have taglines. So I'd hit them with the tagline, then begin para 1 with the zombies sentence.
  • You've got community hopes raised and suspicions raised. I'd change one.
  • I would end with an action to propel readers into the story (i.e., propel them to the buy button). Safeguarding loved ones might not be strong enough.
Good luck with the book! :)


Thank you very much for all this precious advice, I'm going to use it
to fine-tune, as you wrote, my blurb.
It's wonderful to have so many generous people in this forum, ready
to share their experience!
 :D

Hoping to be one day able to help others at my turn, I wish you a nice day.


L. H. Tide








Offline LHTide

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #32 on: February 13, 2018, 02:52:23 PM »
Nice! A couple of thoughts to fine-tune it (because with a blurb, every tiny bit matters):
  • It would be even stronger if the second full paragraph ("The community's hopes") were in active voice.
  • I'd move the tagline to the top. When people are shopping, sometimes all you get is a few seconds to grab their attention, which is why we have taglines. So I'd hit them with the tagline, then begin para 1 with the zombies sentence.
  • You've got community hopes raised and suspicions raised. I'd change one.
  • I would end with an action to propel readers into the story (i.e., propel them to the buy button). Safeguarding loved ones might not be strong enough.
Good luck with the book! :)

One more little thing...
Could you please tell me what sentence is the tagline you're speaking about,
in my present Blurb? (not yet modified)
I clearly lack marketing talents and experience, and this prevents me from
finding what is what, LOL.

Thank you again
 :)


L. H. Tide





Offline Marty South

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #33 on: February 13, 2018, 04:20:47 PM »
One more little thing...
Could you please tell me what sentence is the tagline you're speaking about,
in my present Blurb?

Sure. The tagline is that catchy line you've got in bold at the end. So, basically, beginning with your latest version, I'm suggesting the following. (I've taken some liberties. For instance, I don't know for sure if tis been years since she arrived.):

The danger outside may be nothing compared to the danger from within.

The zombies took everything from Red. Home, childhood, parents--she lost it all to the undead. Years after she finds sanctuary in the Community, a dome-enclosed city, the memory still haunts her. She throws herself into martial arts training and vows to destroy the monsters who stole her world.

When a scientist arrives with a material he claims will combat the undead, hope spreads through the Community. But his arrival coincides with increased zombie attacks, and the people want answers. Red sets out to find them, determined to safeguard her beloved adoptive family and friends before it's too late.

Offline LHTide

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Re: Blocked while trying to improve my Blurb - HELP PLEASE
« Reply #34 on: February 14, 2018, 02:24:05 PM »
Sure. The tagline is that catchy line you've got in bold at the end. So, basically, beginning with your latest version, I'm suggesting the following. (I've taken some liberties. For instance, I don't know for sure if tis been years since she arrived.):

The danger outside may be nothing compared to the danger from within.

The zombies took everything from Red. Home, childhood, parents--she lost it all to the undead. Years after she finds sanctuary in the Community, a dome-enclosed city, the memory still haunts her. She throws herself into martial arts training and vows to destroy the monsters who stole her world.

When a scientist arrives with a material he claims will combat the undead, hope spreads through the Community. But his arrival coincides with increased zombie attacks, and the people want answers. Red sets out to find them, determined to safeguard her beloved adoptive family and friends before it's too late.


Thank you very much for your precious precisions, Marty.
I've just modified my blurb following your indications.
 ;)

Kind regards,


L. H. Tide