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Feedback please on a blurb for a way-over-the-top humorous thriller

750 views 16 replies 8 participants last post by  Gregg Bell 
#1 ·
It's for a way-over-the-top humorous thriller called NAVY SEAL RESCUE. (Thanks.)



She thought he was neurotic. He thought she was psychotic. The Navy thought they were the perfect pair.

Shelby Ryder is a loose cannon. A Kansas farm girl, she became a Navy SEAL to avenge her parents, who were killed on vacation when a Russian sub torpedoed their catamaran. Earl Bernstein, from Chicago, became a SEAL to get away from his over-protective parents. Earl's the sensitive type. He writes poetry and worries about his teeth enamel eroding.

The Navy thought by pairing them together they would balance each other out. They were wrong.

After brushes with the law and staying just this side of sanity, Shelby and Earl are on the verge of being de-SEALed. Now they've been given one last chance to redeem themselves.

It's a simple enough mission: they're tasked with finding a United States senator who disappeared in Cuba while playing golf. But then one day the president tweets that the Russians are responsible, and things get hairy in a hurry. Soon it becomes clear--if Shelby and Earl don't get the senator back, the situation will escalate into a nuclear war. So into the steamy Cuban jungles filled with snakes, spies and a German tuba band, the pair ventures, breaking every rule of civilized behavior known to man as they desperately try to find the senator before the missiles fly or Earl runs out of anti-cavity rinse.
 
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#3 ·
I'm about to sign off, but I think this sentence can be shortened

Shelby Ryder is a loose cannon. A Kansas farm girl, she became a Navy SEAL to avenge her parents, who were killed on vacation when a Russian sub torpedoed their catamaran.

Shelby Ryder became a navy seal to avenge the death of her parents. I think this is all we need to know and it leaves the reader with a question.
 
#6 ·
It looks like a fun book! I think the blurb could be tightened up a little...maybe not use so many words to describe things, but all in all, it conveys the story and now I want to read the book. :)

I would change de-sealed to unSealed.

I agree the cover could portray humor a little better.  Best of luck with this.
 
#8 ·
Jan Hurst-Nicholson said:
I'm about to sign off, but I think this sentence can be shortened

Shelby Ryder is a loose cannon. A Kansas farm girl, she became a Navy SEAL to avenge her parents, who were killed on vacation when a Russian sub torpedoed their catamaran.

Shelby Ryder became a navy seal to avenge the death of her parents. I think this is all we need to know and it leaves the reader with a question.
Thanks Jan. Yes, that change definitely leave the reader with a question. Sounds kind of serious though.
 
#9 ·
TromboneAl said:
I was going to say, "Too long," but it's fun and it works. Good job conveying the tone of the book.

Alternative first sentence: "He's neurotic, she's borderline psychotic, but the Navy is okay with that."

Sent from my SM-T813 using Tapatalk
Thanks Al. I was worried about it being too long too. I'll see if I can shorten it a bit. Appreciate it.
 
#11 ·
JeanneM said:
It looks like a fun book! I think the blurb could be tightened up a little...maybe not use so many words to describe things, but all in all, it conveys the story and now I want to read the book. :)

I would change de-sealed to unSealed.

I agree the cover could portray humor a little better. Best of luck with this.
Thanks a lot, Jeanne. I'm going to try to tighten up. Appreciate the feedback.
 
#12 ·
This is humorous. I liked suggestions other posters made. Especially unSEALed, since it's a word.

I'd suggest introducing the pair in parallel to emphasize their oppositeness, and tighten the blurb.
So here's some thoughts on that...



She thought he was neurotic. He thought she was psychotic.

Kansas farm girl Shelby Ryder became a Navy SEAL to avenge her parents, who were killed on vacation when a Russian sub torpedoed their catamaran.

Chicago poet Earl Bernstein became a SEAL to escape his helicopter parents, who taught him to fear tooth enamel erosion.

The Navy thought they were the perfect pair.

After (how many?) brushes with the law (Interpol? NCIS? the county sheriff?) and staying just this side of sanity, Shelby and Earl are on the verge of being unSEALed.

They've been given one last chance to redeem themselves. It's a simple enough mission: find a United States senator who disappeared in Cuba while playing golf.

Into the steamy Cuban jungles filled with snakes, spies and a German tuba band, the pair ventures. Breaking every rule of civilized behavior known to man, they desperately try to find the senator before the situation escalates into nuclear war or Earl runs out of anti-cavity rinse.



Also agree with other posters that the cover doesn't say comedy.
Maybe if the pair were parachuting into some cartoon ferns that had jaws, or a mix of ferns and alligators/crocodiles (would have to look up what plants/creatures are in Cuba).
Also, 'idiots' was long used as a derogatory term. Maybe a more playful word like 'fools.'
 
#13 ·
catowned said:
This is humorous. I liked suggestions other posters made. Especially unSEALed, since it's a word.

I'd suggest introducing the pair in parallel to emphasize their oppositeness, and tighten the blurb.
So here's some thoughts on that...

She thought he was neurotic. He thought she was psychotic.

Kansas farm girl Shelby Ryder became a Navy SEAL to avenge her parents, who were killed on vacation when a Russian sub torpedoed their catamaran.

Chicago poet Earl Bernstein became a SEAL to escape his helicopter parents, who taught him to fear tooth enamel erosion.

The Navy thought they were the perfect pair.

After (how many?) brushes with the law (Interpol? NCIS? the county sheriff?) and staying just this side of sanity, Shelby and Earl are on the verge of being unSEALed.

They've been given one last chance to redeem themselves. It's a simple enough mission: find a United States senator who disappeared in Cuba while playing golf.

Into the steamy Cuban jungles filled with snakes, spies and a German tuba band, the pair ventures. Breaking every rule of civilized behavior known to man, they desperately try to find the senator before the situation escalates into nuclear war or Earl runs out of anti-cavity rinse.

Also agree with other posters that the cover doesn't say comedy.
Maybe if the pair were parachuting into some cartoon ferns that had jaws, or a mix of ferns and alligators/crocodiles (would have to look up what plants/creatures are in Cuba).
Also, 'idiots' was long used as a derogatory term. Maybe a more playful word like 'fools.'
Thanks catowned. Appreciate you doing a version. And now I'm wondering about the cover. Which I thought was set.
 
#15 ·
This going to be tricky to get right as you are trying to appeal to a divergent readership. Readers who enjoy thrillers might be put off with too much humour, and readers who enjoy humour might not realise that it's humour. I hope you can pull it off. Fortunately, you can make changes with ebooks, so no harm in going with the first one and if it doesn't work try another version.  But you will lose the new release bump the second time.
 
#17 ·
Jan Hurst-Nicholson said:
This going to be tricky to get right as you are trying to appeal to a divergent readership. Readers who enjoy thrillers might be put off with too much humour, and readers who enjoy humour might not realise that it's humour. I hope you can pull it off. Fortunately, you can make changes with ebooks, so no harm in going with the first one and if it doesn't work try another version. But you will lose the new release bump the second time.
Thanks Jan. I know it's going to be a balancing act. With how goofy the book is though I'm leaning toward weighting things toward humor.
 
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