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Blurb feedback - sixth and final book in a zombie series

558 views 9 replies 6 participants last post by  catowned 
#1 ·
I hate writing blurbs. I especially hate writing blurbs six books deep. Tell me what you reckon about this draft:

The end times are here: the final days of the war against the undead and their genocidal creators. As the year draws to a close, the ragged remnants of a hundred nations' militaries are mobilising and gathering for the final strike against the enemy.

Aaron and Matt King, once pivotal figures in the resistance, watch and wait. They think their part has been played. But they're not the only ones watching, waiting - and plotting. Humanity is not as united as it appears. And far to the south, an evil presence lurks at the heart of the wellspring of the undead...

From windswept mountains to baking deserts, from far-flung islands to deserted cityscapes, BROTHER'S KEEPER is the final adventure of the King twins: the thrilling conclusion to the End Times zombie apocalypse saga.


Two notes being:
- Halfway through the series it transpires that the zombie apocalypse was caused by aliens, but I don't like to give that away in blurbs for later books in the series, hence word choice of "genocidal creators" and "the enemy"
- Book five ends on a cliffhanger with Matt possibly dying. I don't like to give away his survival in this next blurb, but don't really see that I have a choice, since if I just say Aaron readers will assume he did die.

Also how much does blurb massively matter this deep into a series? I stress out about it, but also have to figure that if readers have come along this far, they're pretty much strapped in.
 
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#3 ·
I've learned to read the blurbs, especially late in the series. I bought a few late series books that read like they'd been phoned in. Blurbs are a clue.

Mostly I like this blurb. Here's some thoughts...

The end times are here: the final days of the war against the undead and their genocidal creators. As the year draws to a close, the ragged remnants of a hundred nations' militaries are mobilising and gathering for the final strike against the enemy.
Like this!

Aaron and Matt King, once pivotal figures in the resistance, watch and wait. (not active, boring) They think their part has been played. (not active, boring) are plotting. (active, interesting!) But And they're not the only ones watching, waiting - and plotting, humanity is not as united as it appears. (ooo, conflict among the allies, yes!) And far to the south, an evil presence lurks at the heart of the wellspring of the undead... (yep)

From windswept mountains to baking deserts, from far-flung islands to deserted cityscapes, (scenic, ok) BROTHER'S KEEPER is the final adventure of the King twins: the thrilling conclusion to the End Times zombie apocalypse saga. Nice closing!

about the notes
I liked 'genocidal creators' and 'the enemy.' I didn't need to know more.
On the other hand... Some folks love aliens or zombies or fantasy or whatever in books, and some folks don't. Your readers are the folks who love zombies and aliens. When you A/B test your blurbs, you can see whether hiding or revealing pulls your readers more strongly.

On the cliffhanger, agree that you need to blurb the brothers since this book is about both.
 
#6 ·
Blurbs for later books in a series act as funnels for new readers. Don't let that opportunity slip you by. Not everyone stumbles across book one first, so make every book's blurb count. If they like what they see, they'll go and check out book one. To that end, I actually try to write later blurbs as though they were book ones, and I don't assume the reader knows anything yet.

Already established readers may not care much about how good later blurbs are, but I woudn't be taking them for granted either.

In terms of Matt, I wouldn't worry about mentioning him. It's standard for a main character to face death in every book...and keep appearing in subsequent book blurbs.

Overall, I think the blurb is pretty good. I would try to make it more hooky though.

Hope that helps!
 
#7 ·
catowned said:
I've learned to read the blurbs, especially late in the series. I bought a few late series books that read like they'd been phoned in. Blurbs are a clue.

Mostly I like this blurb. Here's some thoughts...

The end times are here: the final days of the war against the undead and their genocidal creators. As the year draws to a close, the ragged remnants of a hundred nations' militaries are mobilising and gathering for the final strike against the enemy.
Like this!

Aaron and Matt King, once pivotal figures in the resistance, watch and wait. (not active, boring) They think their part has been played. (not active, boring) are plotting. (active, interesting!) But And they're not the only ones watching, waiting - and plotting, humanity is not as united as it appears. (ooo, conflict among the allies, yes!) And far to the south, an evil presence lurks at the heart of the wellspring of the undead... (yep)

From windswept mountains to baking deserts, from far-flung islands to deserted cityscapes, (scenic, ok) BROTHER'S KEEPER is the final adventure of the King twins: the thrilling conclusion to the End Times zombie apocalypse saga. Nice closing!

about the notes
I liked 'genocidal creators' and 'the enemy.' I didn't need to know more.
On the other hand... Some folks love aliens or zombies or fantasy or whatever in books, and some folks don't. Your readers are the folks who love zombies and aliens. When you A/B test your blurbs, you can see whether hiding or revealing pulls your readers more strongly.

On the cliffhanger, agree that you need to blurb the brothers since this book is about both.
Thanks ! I agree about the passive waiting stuff, that was the hardest thing to phrase... they've been in the thick of the action for all the previous books but at this point they're teenagers in a military encampment who are important, sort of, but not important in a way that will see them get anywhere near the action. The only reason they do end up in the action again is because everything goes to shit. I find it really hard to phrase this sort of stuff which implies, but doesn't give too much away.

This is an alternate middle paragraph I'd drafted and discarded earlier:

In Jagungal, the resistance base in Australia's Snowy Mountains, the nuclear warhead has been safely returned. Matthew King is brought home clinging to life, his long, hard voyage over. His brother Aaron's journey is about to begin. In the final push to save humanity, every piece on the board matters.

But not everybody wants mankind to win.


Jack Krenneck said:
Blurbs for later books in a series act as funnels for new readers. Don't let that opportunity slip you by. Not everyone stumbles across book one first, so make every book's blurb count. If they like what they see, they'll go and check out book one. To that end, I actually try to write later blurbs as though they were book ones, and I don't assume the reader knows anything yet.
This is what I reckon, yeah, based on my own practice of clicking through from later books in a series back to book 1 to start from the beginning. Which is why I also think it's imperative to make sure your Amazon and Goodreads series & author pages are ship-shape... I've lost count of the number of times I've had to specifically ask Amazon to make sure my other books are on my author page. (Well, I only have 5 books, so probably 4.)
 
#8 ·
Content removed due to TOS Change of 2018. I do not agree to the terms.
 
#9 ·
ShaneCarrow said:
The end times are here: the final days of the war against the undead and their genocidal creators. As the year draws to a close, the ragged remnants of a hundred nations' militaries are mobilising and gathering for the final strike against the enemy.

Aaron and Matt King, once pivotal figures in the resistance, watch and wait. They think their part has been played. But they're not the only ones watching, waiting - and plotting. Humanity is not as united as it appears. And far to the south, an evil presence lurks at the heart of the wellspring of the undead...

From windswept mountains to baking deserts, from far-flung islands to deserted cityscapes, BROTHER'S KEEPER is the final adventure of the King twins: the thrilling conclusion to the End Times zombie apocalypse saga.
Personally, I like to avoid using the 'to be' verb. It shows a resting state -- an existence -- rather than action. So, I don't like "The end times ARE here", "Humanity IS not as united as it appears." and "BROTHER'S KEEPER IS the final adventure..." I'd also eliminate 'has been played' which is in passive tense. Finally, I prefer to avoid progressives -- are mobilizing and gathering. Make it shorter and more active: mobilize and gather

Your second paragraph doesn't really hold together. It's missing relationships. Like 'They think they've played their part, BUT humanity isn't as united as it seems, AND there's an evil presence plotting to undo their accomplishments.'

And, 'finally', you use 'final' twice in the first paragraph and once in the last. Remove at least one of them, if not two.

So, I offer:

End Times have arrived: the last days of the war against the undead and their genocidal creators. As the year draws to a close, the ragged remnants of a hundred nations' militaries mobilize and gather for the final strike against the enemy.

Aaron and Matt King, once pivotal figures in the resistance, figure they have played their part and that they can relax. But for a humanity not as united as it seems, everyone -- including the twins -- needs to give it their all.

Confident of ultimate victory, no one realizes that far to the south an evil presence lurks at the heart of the wellspring of the undead, plotting to turn the tide back on the unsuspecting humans.

From windswept mountains to baking deserts, from far-flung islands to deserted cityscapes, BROTHER'S KEEPER relates the final adventure of the King twins: the thrilling conclusion to the End Times zombie apocalypse saga.
 
#10 ·
I was so caught up in the Greek-chorus/Epic-style foreshadowed doom of the first and last paragraphs that I didn't notice the repeated use of the word final.

So for the first paragraph
I like the phrase from the original "The end times are here:.."
Otherwise, I liked daboulter's suggestions on that paragraph.

And for the last paragraph
I like the original, including the phrase "Brother's Keeper is..."



The alternate middle paragraph that begins "In Jagungal,..." gives background information that isn't needed, and doesn't reveal that the brothers plot or that the humans are not united.
Those are your active elements, and that's probably why you left that paragraph out.

So I still like the original middle paragraph with edits.
The focus of the series is the brothers. Readers will be attuned to them.




 
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