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KB Featured Book
Wish Granted! Tips, Tools, and Templates to Write a Winning Grant
by Holly Rustick

$1.99
Kindle Edition published 2017-08-22
Bestseller ranking: 95983

Product Description
INCLUDES BONUS FREE E-DOWNLOADS: TEMPLATES FOR GRANT WRITING!

Grant writing shouldn’t feel like a trip to the dentist. Take the pain out of the process with this innovative and fun, yes fun, guide. Learn all the inside tips and tools of the grant-writing trade in this easy-to-read and upbeat book.
This book is definitely for you if:
•You break out in a cold sweat when your boss mentions the word ‘grant’.
•You’ve been tempted to throw your computer against the wall while writing a grant.
•You happily tell stakeholders there’s plenty of grants out there … but haven’t the faintest idea how to write and get one!
•You think you can send out a bog-standard letter to a bunch of organizations and get funded.
•Your eyes glaze over when you’re presented with grant writing jargon and acronyms.
•Your organization’s grant success A-game has r...

Author Topic: Can you help me with my blurb?  (Read 543 times)  

Offline ゴジラ

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Can you help me with my blurb?
« on: November 20, 2011, 08:48:04 PM »
I feel like this doesn't have much of a punch. I could use a fresh set of eyes. Any thoughts?

Quote
Elise Kavanagh and James Faulkner used to be known as heroes and killersthe best demon hunting team to walk the Earth. But a job so brutal that even they couldnt stand to see one more dead body drove them into early retirement.

Eleven years later, the daughter of a witch in Jamess coven is possessed by a demon, and they are forced to join forces once more for the exorcism. But resurrecting the past is never simple. They become entrenched in a struggle far beyond their expectations against an enemy thought to be defeated.

Under attack from demons and the walking dead, Elise and James must fight to save the child and the cityeven if it means losing their lives.

Offline Mr. Coffee Snob

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Re: Can you help me with my blurb?
« Reply #1 on: November 20, 2011, 09:31:56 PM »
I noticed a few minor things that could be improved. These are just opinions and suggestions of course.  :)

This sentence is kind of awkward: "But a job so brutal that even they couldn't stand to see one more dead body drove them into early retirement."

Also "forced to join forces" is slightly distracting.

This sentence lacks punch:  "Under attack from demons and the walking dead, Elise and James must fight to save the child and the cityeven if it means losing their lives." The "even if it means losing their lives" part is kind of weak.

Suggestions:

"But a particularly brutal job drove them into early retirement, depression, and constant nightmares..."

"Elise and James must risk everything to save the precious child and the city itself"

Something like that. :)

« Last Edit: November 20, 2011, 09:40:05 PM by Robert E. Keller »

Offline MeiLinMiranda

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Re: Can you help me with my blurb?
« Reply #2 on: November 20, 2011, 11:28:29 PM »
Quote
Elise Kavanagh and James Faulkner used to be known as heroes and killersthe best demon hunting team to walk the Earth. But a job so brutal that even they couldnt stand to see one more dead body drove them into early retirement.

Eleven years later, the daughter of a witch in Jamess coven is possessed by a demon, and they are forced to join forces once more for the exorcism. But resurrecting the past is never simple. They become entrenched in a struggle far beyond their expectations against an enemy thought to be defeated.

Under attack from demons and the walking dead, Elise and James must fight to save the child and the cityeven if it means losing their lives.

I'm afraid you've got several clichs in here, and the "But a job so brutal..." sentence has gotta go. So far this blurb sounds just like several dozen other books on the virtual stacks. What makes your book different from the rest? I'm positive it IS different, but I'm not seeing it here. Best advice for you: Be more specific.

Good luck!

 
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Offline TattooedWriter

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Re: Can you help me with my blurb?
« Reply #3 on: November 21, 2011, 12:14:42 AM »
How about something along these lines:


Elise Kavanagh and James Faulkner used to be heroes and killersthe best demon hunting team to walk the Earth. But a brutal, bloody job drove them into retirement eleven years ago.

Now, the daughter of a witch in Jamess coven is possessed by a demon. Elise and James are forced to work together one more time for the exorcism. But resurrecting the past is never simple and they become entrenched in a struggle far beyond their expectations. A powerful enemy they thought defeated has returned for vengeance.

Under attack from demons and the walking dead, Elise and James must fight to save the child and the cityeven if it means the ultimate sacrifice.

Offline M Ramberg

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Re: Can you help me with my blurb?
« Reply #4 on: November 21, 2011, 01:27:27 AM »
I feel like this doesn't have much of a punch. I could use a fresh set of eyes. Any thoughts?


Tell us more about the world you've created - its rules and morals. Plus, who are they? Lovers, friends, forced enemies? Is this Earth or some other pseudo-Earth? We need to get a sense of their relationship to each other and the world, like: Once they were lovers in rebellion against the ancient code of the Ur-dead lands that exist beside the world mortals call America, but none could deny they were the greatest daemon hunters of the realm. Then, faced with an evil best inconceived, their love was torn asunder and they went their separate, lonely ways. Until....

You get the idea.
____

Offline ゴジラ

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Re: Can you help me with my blurb?
« Reply #5 on: November 23, 2011, 09:02:01 AM »
Thanks for all the feedback. I've been crunching this over in my brain for a couple days. So... take two!

Quote
Demons and angels run the world in secret. They own businesses, live in subterranean cities, and walk the streets hidden among man. And Elise Kavanagh does their taxes.

Policing Heaven and Hell on Earth was messy and violent, but Elise was the best at it for ten years. Then a horrible case made her decide it's easier to work for the bad guy than to fight them. She retired to become an accountant and profit off her dubious morals.

Now a little girl has become possessed, and her former partner in demon hunting, James Faulkner, insists they have to come out of retirement to save her. But resurrecting the past has deadly consequences. The enemy that drove her to retire has returned, and it's looking for vengeance.

Some enemies aren't willing to let the secrets of the past die...