Author Topic: help with my blurb -- military sci fi novel (space fleet heavy)  (Read 1363 times)  

Offline C. Gold

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Re: help with my blurb -- military sci fi novel (space fleet heavy)
« Reply #25 on: March 17, 2018, 12:53:16 am »
I got crosslinked to a manga, wtf. Sorry :P Your link is:

    #440 in Kindle Store > Kindle eBooks > Science Fiction & Fantasy > Science Fiction > Colonization
    #462 in Kindle Store > Kindle eBooks > Science Fiction & Fantasy > Science Fiction > Alien Invasion
    #473 in Books > Science Fiction & Fantasy > Science Fiction > Colonization

Not military :P

A technological breakthrough gives the aliens a doorway to humanity's doorstep

Need to rephrase this and get rid of one doorway or doorstep. I disagree with the multiple lines due to the More... link but we can agree to disagree ;)
« Last Edit: March 17, 2018, 12:59:51 am by C. Gold »

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    Offline AltMe

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    Re: help with my blurb -- military sci fi novel (space fleet heavy)
    « Reply #26 on: March 17, 2018, 12:57:12 am »
    that book isn't manga. and if you had clicked more, you would have seen this:

    The point is, there was no click.

    A large blurb is pointless if no-one reads it.

    If you rely on the click, what is seen has to automatically make a person click, and the example given obviously didn't.

    I'm out. Good luck with whatever you decide to go with.
    Gone to WriterSanctum.

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    Offline guochel

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    Re: help with my blurb -- military sci fi novel (space fleet heavy)
    « Reply #27 on: March 17, 2018, 12:58:27 am »
    ok thanks you guys for the effort and the input. i'm just gonna go with this latest blurb, even though i can't remember why. i still have some left over attachment to my old blurb

    i'm going to sleep. honestly, i don't think this book will be that fantastic financially. i did spent a year on it, tho

    here's to hoping...................

    thanks you guys!!!!!!

    Offline C. Gold

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    Re: help with my blurb -- military sci fi novel (space fleet heavy)
    « Reply #28 on: March 17, 2018, 01:04:15 am »
    Sleep on the whole blurb thing and you can make a decision when you are well rested. Good luck whatever you choose!

    Offline DIAMONDSINTHESKY

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    Re: help with my blurb -- military sci fi novel (space fleet heavy)
    « Reply #29 on: March 17, 2018, 04:07:54 am »
    In a nutshell:

    The Bipedalalieninsect invasion force has crippled Humanity's shipyards, torn through Alpha Centauri's jump gate defenses, and is now carving a path straight for Earth. Only Fleet Commander Yamato and his decimated forces stand between the aliens and Earth's obliteration. Faced with such overwhelming odds, it will require Yamato's clever strategies if he is to turn the tide and save humanity.

    This is a great summary - It might seem short to you, but it is the concise overview of the story that you need.

    Offline guochel

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    Re: help with my blurb -- military sci fi novel (space fleet heavy)
    « Reply #30 on: March 19, 2018, 12:06:56 pm »
    THIS IS WHAT I SETTLED ON (it blended what i already had with what others wanted):

    Massive space fleet battles.
    Genocidal aliens at humanity's doorsteps.
    In depth strategic and tactical warship combat.

    Humanity's last chance for survival rests with one fleet commander's desire to win no matter the cost.

    Sector General Harvey Yamato has fought a long hard war against the alien reptilian menace. He's sent fleets and armies into the fire, sacrificing billions to save billions -- all to exact a stalemate. But when the bad guys discover a way to warp behind our frontlines, their fleets manage to ravage our industrial systems -- our warship production core.

    Now, with 600 billion humans dead, our war machine grinded away, and the enemy at our homeworld's doorsteps, only Yamato's decimated home fleet stands between the warmongering aliens and Earth's obliteration.

    Can an exhausted leader rise to the challenge one last time? Can Yamato's clever strategies turn the tide of war back into our favor... or at least into something sane? -- despite all the odds stacked against him? Can the remnants of humanity's battered warships protect Earth and humanity's last survivors? And at what cost?

    Everything is on the line in... the Battle of Sol.
    « Last Edit: March 19, 2018, 12:08:54 pm by guochel »

    Offline C. Gold

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    Re: help with my blurb -- military sci fi novel (space fleet heavy)
    « Reply #31 on: March 19, 2018, 02:08:02 pm »
    I'd combine industrial systems and warship production core into "ravage our core warship production systems."
    Don't like 'bad guys' but that was already mentioned. :(
    doorsteps should be singular
    Grinded is like nails scraping a chalkboard. It's GROUND where I'm from. I suggest picking a different word if you don't like ground. I'd read that and skip buying.
    What is the war machine anyway? That sounds more like maybe there's a big dreadnought or battering ram of space kind of thing. I like "our forces depleted" (or tattered) better.
    I don't like the bit about "... or at least into something sane?" I don't see any options here--either they win or lose, there is no middle ground. Plus the em dash following the question looks weird.
    You have two "humanity's" in the same sentence. Nix one. Since you like using 'our', you could use it in the second instance: "... and our last survivors?"
    The Battle of Sol - since you've made it into a formalized thing and bolded it.
    My last point to make is you say 'fleet commander's desire to win...' yet now he's a Sector General. Is that still the same thing, just different way to word it?

    So putting it all together:

    Massive space fleet battles.
    Genocidal aliens at humanity's doorsteps.
    In depth strategic and tactical warship combat.


    Humanity's last chance for survival rests with one fleet commander's desire to win no matter the cost.

    Sector General Harvey Yamato has fought a long hard war against the alien reptilian menace. He's sent fleets and armies into the fire, sacrificing billions to save billions -- all to exact a stalemate. But when the bad guys discover a way to warp behind our frontlines, their fleets manage to ravage our core warship production systems.

    Now, with 600 billion humans dead, our forces depleted, and the enemy at our homeworld's doorstep, only Yamato's decimated home fleet stands between the warmongering aliens and Earth's obliteration.

    Can an exhausted leader rise to the challenge one last time? Can Yamato's clever strategies turn the tide of war back into our favor despite all the odds stacked against him? Can the remnants of humanity's battered warships protect Earth and our last survivors? And at what cost?

    Everything is on the line in... The Battle of Sol.

    « Last Edit: March 19, 2018, 02:11:32 pm by C. Gold »

    Offline guochel

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    Re: help with my blurb -- military sci fi novel (space fleet heavy)
    « Reply #32 on: March 19, 2018, 04:46:36 pm »
    perfect! well, almost perfect. i like the phrase "war machine" but oh well

    Offline kenbritz

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    Re: help with my blurb -- military sci fi novel (space fleet heavy)
    « Reply #33 on: March 19, 2018, 05:54:06 pm »
    You cant have a brilliant strategist, AND losing so badly. It's a major contradiction. You can have a brilliant tactician and lose so badly, if he isn't where the action is until the end.

    Unrelated to the blurb itself, you can absolutely have a brilliant strategist fail badly. Admiral Yamamoto is one such example.


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    Offline C. Gold

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    Re: help with my blurb -- military sci fi novel (space fleet heavy)
    « Reply #34 on: March 19, 2018, 09:54:45 pm »
    perfect! well, almost perfect. i like the phrase "war machine" but oh well
    I like the phrase, but not in this context and you are already using 'war' many times. Uses in your latest blurb: warship combat, hard war, warship production, war machine, warmongering, tide of war, battered warships. Now that I see that many usages, I'd also prune down tide of war to leave off the 'of war' part. Don't really need in our favor either since that's what turn the tide means.

    Can Yamato's clever strategies turn the tide despite all the odds stacked against him?

    Offline guochel

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    Re: help with my blurb -- military sci fi novel (space fleet heavy)
    « Reply #35 on: March 19, 2018, 10:29:18 pm »
    ALRIGHT! i've made the edit as well.

    thanks for helping me improve my blurb!!!

    Offline C. Gold

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    Re: help with my blurb -- military sci fi novel (space fleet heavy)
    « Reply #36 on: March 19, 2018, 11:14:00 pm »
    ALRIGHT! i've made the edit as well.

    thanks for helping me improve my blurb!!!
    WOOT now go sell some books and make bank!  ;D

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