Author Topic: Please, can you give me some quick feedback on my tagline and blurb?  (Read 596 times)  

Offline Sandy J Hartwick

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Hey friends,

Could you please give me your thoughts on a couple of taglines and a blurb for my paranormal thriller The Sacrifice?

Tagline 1 -One good man, one evil deed, now there's hell to pay.

Tagline 2 One good man, one exorcist priest, one chance to save his family.

The blurb

As the last bit of light fades on summer solstice, Tom stumbles upon the most unholy of rituals on a remote Nevada mountain. His next move sweeps his beloved family and himself into a storm of evil that invades his country home and leads him across the burning desert to a showdown in Las Vegas.

I appreciate your time and feedback!

Thank you.

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    Offline alhawke

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    I like the 1st tagline but it's too general. The 2nd doesn't have a good ring to it. Try to combine the two and put exorcist and priest front and center.

    Your blurb is written well but it's too short (this is the first time I've seen this and I prefer it over the reverse). Give us more. Frame your story and tell us the stakes. You need at least a paragraph, imo.



    A.L. Hawke | Author website | Goodreads | BookBub

    Offline Sandy J Hartwick

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    Hey alhawke,

    Thanks so much for taking the time to respond. I will rework with your suggestions and respond in a bit.

    S.

    Offline Decon

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    Alternative tag line
     
    When evil comes calling, hell beckons


    The blurb

    During the summer solstice, family man Tom xxxxxxxx stumbles upon the most unholy of rituals on a remote Nevada mountain. His next move sweeps his beloved family and himself into a storm of evil that invades his country home and fear grips his household threatening their sanity.

    To protect his own life and family, Tom will have to overcome a fear on a scale beyond comprehension that most God fearing men and women will never endure.

    If he fails, hell beckons for all concerned

    Just a suggestion. Also better with his full name to start with
    Don't mention the priest or the exorcism, or Las Vegas, let the reader find out. All the blurb has to do is to create interest within expectations of the genre for the reader to want to know more and to buy the book to explore the story.


    Basics of a thriller blurb.

    Who it is and what they are up against.

    What, or who stands in their way that they need to overcome.

    The high stakes if they don't succeed
    « Last Edit: May 21, 2020, 04:39:56 am by Decon »


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    Offline Sandy J Hartwick

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    Decon,

    Thank you for taking the time to help me out!

    Writing these short bits of verbiage is surprisingly challenging.

    I appreciate your insight. :)

    Offline Decon

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    No problem. Pleased if any of it helps.

    The what or who the protagonist is up against doest have to be only the the antagonist of which "evil" conjures up what this is likely to be in this case. It can also include the protagonist having to overcome their own nature.eg mild mannered, bashful, fearful etc etc, to find an inner strength to go outside their comfort zone to overcome what they are up against.


    Scorpion ebooks: Full length  thrillers with a sting in the tale. All enrolled in KU & Prime.
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    Offline Sandy J Hartwick

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    Here are my updated efforts. I thought about losing the tagline as I see many books don't have them. But here is another one...

    On the longest day of the year, time is running out...

    Here is the new blurb. It is not much longer, but improved, I think.

    As the last bit of light fades away on summer solstice, Tom White stumbles into an unholy ritual on a remote mountain in Nevada. Tom makes a split second decision that unleashes a wave of evil and retribution that will sweep into his home and community. He must battle enemies seen and unseen as his peaceful world crumbles... will he be able to stop them before his family pays the ultimate price?

    TIA for your thoughts.

    Offline SirenaW

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    I like the second blurb better---pulls me in more.  I also like the "there's hell to pay" in a tag line. 
    Wishing you success.

    Offline Sandy J Hartwick

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    SirenaW,

    Thank you for your good wishes and opinion!

    Offline Lexi Revellian

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    On the longest day of the year, time is running out...

    As the last bit of light fades away on summer solstice, Tom White stumbles into an unholy ritual on a remote mountain in Nevada. Tom makes a split second decision that unleashes a wave of evil and retribution that will sweep into his home and community. He must battle enemies seen and unseen as his peaceful world crumbles... will he be able to stop them before his family pays the ultimate price?


    I like it, except for 'bit' of light - how about shaft or ray?

    Offline Cruella DeVil

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    Re: Please, can you give me some quick feedback on my tagline and blurb?
    « Reply #10 on: May 23, 2020, 04:19:24 pm »
    Here are my updated efforts. I thought about losing the tagline as I see many books don't have them. But here is another one...

    On the longest day of the year, time is running out...

    Here is the new blurb. It is not much longer, but improved, I think.

    As the last bit of light fades away on summer solstice, Tom White stumbles into an unholy ritual on a remote mountain in Nevada. Tom makes a split second decision that unleashes a wave of evil and retribution that will sweep into his home and community. He must battle enemies seen and unseen as his peaceful world crumbles... will he be able to stop them before his family pays the ultimate price?

    TIA for your thoughts.

    I like the new tagline, but I would make a few small adjustments with the blurb to make it less clunky.

    As summer solstice fades away, Tom White stumbles across an unholy ritual within Nevada's remote mountains. Following a split-second decision, a wave of evil is unleashed into his home and community. As his peaceful world crumbles around him, a battle rages against enemies seen and unseen to protect his family from paying the ultimate price.

    Offline Sandy J Hartwick

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    Re: Please, can you give me some quick feedback on my tagline and blurb?
    « Reply #11 on: May 25, 2020, 08:30:14 am »
    Geez! I thought I would have this figured out by now...

    Thank you Lexi and Cruella for helping me out here. Here are some more versions to chew on.

    Tom White has been living an idyllic life in rural Nevada. A young rancher and family man, he spends long days outdoors and works hard keeping his cattle operation in the black. His simple life and everyday cares are about to change forever.

    On summer solstice, as the last golden rays of sunset fade, Tom stumbles onto a horrific, bloody ritual on a lonely mountain. He makes an instinctive, split-second decision that unleashes a dark wave of evil and cruel retribution that will sweep into his country home and community.

    Though Tom believes in God, he never believed there was a devil, but hours from now he will have all of the proof he needs. Soon he must battle vicious enemies, seen and unseen as his peaceful world shatters. It is imperative that Tom threads together courage that he doesn't know he owns, along with resilience to spare, as his only choice is to stop them all, before his family and friends pay the ultimate price.

    This version is 165 words.

    Here is a tagline from my cover editor:  Tom White never believed in the devil. Until now.

    I didn't realize I would be grappling with this part of my book. Ugh!

    Offline alhawke

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    Re: Please, can you give me some quick feedback on my tagline and blurb?
    « Reply #12 on: May 25, 2020, 09:03:41 am »
    Tom White has been living an idyllic life in rural Nevada. A young rancher and family man, he spends long days outdoors and works hard keeping his cattle operation in the black. His simple life and everyday cares are about to change forever.

    Consider using this as your tagline.

    You're getting there. It once took me longer to write the blurb of my book than the novel. ;)


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    Offline Sandy J Hartwick

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    Re: Please, can you give me some quick feedback on my tagline and blurb?
    « Reply #13 on: May 25, 2020, 10:13:29 am »
    Alhawke,

    Thanks! I like that idea.

    Regarding your comment on blurb writing. ;)(Yikes--I hope that I can move on shortly!)

    Offline Decon

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    Re: Please, can you give me some quick feedback on my tagline and blurb?
    « Reply #14 on: May 27, 2020, 03:35:21 am »
    Sorry I was late replying to your PM because I didn't notice it at the time. I've replied.


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    Online josephdaniel

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    Might be nitpicking, but I feel like "A" and "An" instead of "One" rolls of the tongue smoother.

    Joseph Daniel

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