Author Topic: Please comment on book description - dystopian novel  (Read 453 times)  

Offline MalcolmJWardlaw

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Please comment on book description - dystopian novel
« on: July 01, 2020, 05:28:43 am »
I would appreciate feedback on this trial description for the first of a dystopian series I'll be launching soon.

It used to be guns, germs and steel. Since financial Armageddon, its been guns, gold and slaves. And secretslots of dirty secrets.

Donald Aldingford lives inside the walled city of London. He survives as a barrister specialising in privacy law. He has an expensive wife and two daughters he hardly ever sees. All he cares about is getting to the end of the month with a bit of gold to spare.

His life is about to change.

He is aboard a clients airliner when it strays over private land and gets shot down under the Law of Naclaski (National Clear Skies Initiative). He is jailed under the Law of Frite (Full Rights of Territorial Exclusion). The experience is quite an eye-opener for one who has never seen the countryside. He picks up alarming news that his long-lost brother Lawrence has been condemned to eight years of slave laboureffectively a death sentencefor a crime he did not commit.

After Donald returns to London, he is tormented. There is a revolutionary group called the National Party, through which he might trace Lawrence. Yet his wealthy clients would kill him if he contacted such radicals.

Dare he start a double life?
Will Lawrences girlfriend give him any choice?






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    Offline Decon

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    Re: Please comment on book description - dystopian novel
    « Reply #1 on: July 01, 2020, 07:12:54 am »
    Okay, having read yours, I've had a stab at re wording and restructuring. I've not cut the content down, which could be considered too wordy. Take from it what you will, if anything, and disregard the rest


    Since financial Armageddon, the wealthy have managed to continue their privilege through a regime of ruthless governance.

    Donald Aldingford lives securely inside the walled city of London. As a barrister, he has an estranged expensive wife to support. All he cares about is getting to the end of the month with a bit of gold to spare and some affection from his girfriend.

    He is aboard a client's airliner when it gets shot down under the National Clear Skies Initiative after straying into an exclusion zone. He survives, but is imprisoned under the new Territorial Exclusion law. This life changing experience is quite an eye-opener when he ends up among some of those he has both defended and prosecuted until his release, when he returns to London. Hearing news that his long-lost brother Lawrence has been condemned to eight years of slave labour, effectively a death sentence, for a crime he did not commit, he seeks to find where he is to try and have him released from his shackles.

    With the authorities stonewalling him, he seeks the help of a revolutionary group at great risk, but they will want something in return that has him having to make a life threatening choice.

    While able to talk his way out of his clients beign jailed in front of a judge, he isn't sure if he could talk his way out of a predicament if caught out as a double agent.

    His influential and wealthy clients would kill him if they thought he might divulge their dirty secrets. Not only will his brother's life depend on his decision, but the fate of all those inside and on the outside of the wall.




    « Last Edit: July 01, 2020, 07:49:30 am by Decon »


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    Offline MalcolmJWardlaw

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    Re: Please comment on book description - dystopian novel
    « Reply #2 on: July 04, 2020, 03:14:31 am »
    Thanks Decon. I've revised it to this:

    Privacy is sacred. Secrets are power. Questions are dangerous. Its seventy years after financial Armageddon. Lifes a ballif youre decent.
     
    Donald Aldingford lives inside the walled city of London, where he survives as a barrister specialising in privacy law. He does not possess an estate with thousands of slaves. This means he is not decent; he is a commoner. Whats more, hes a commoner who knows the secrets of powerful people. That makes him a dispensable commoner.
     
    Life gets complicated after he is shot down and interned for violating private airspace. He has never seen country life before. Its quite an eye-opener to learn how decent people treat their slaves. Its quite an eye-opener to discover his own brother has been condemned to many years of slave labour for crimes he did not commit. Donald is outraged. He never knew he had a social conscience! It would appear he is sharing this social conscience with an attractive and bold young woman from outside the city walls. She just happens to be a leading revolutionary.

    Powerful eyes are watching Donald. Theyre going to make him an offer he cant refuse.






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    Online Kathy Dee

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    Re: Please comment on book description - dystopian novel
    « Reply #3 on: July 04, 2020, 07:52:25 am »
    This ...

    Since financial Armageddon, its been guns, gold and slaves. And secrets - lots of dirty secrets.

    is much stronger than this ...

    It used to be guns, germs and steel. Since financial Armageddon, its been guns, gold and slaves. And secretslots of dirty secrets.

    :)

    P.S. Note apostrophe usage.
    « Last Edit: July 04, 2020, 07:55:21 am by Kathy Dee »

    Offline Decon

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    Re: Please comment on book description - dystopian novel
    « Reply #4 on: July 04, 2020, 05:18:53 pm »
    This ...

    Since financial Armageddon, its been guns, gold and slaves. And secrets - lots of dirty secrets.

    is much stronger than this ...

    It used to be guns, germs and steel. Since financial Armageddon, its been guns, gold and slaves. And secretslots of dirty secrets.

    :)

    P.S. Note apostrophe usage.

    Much stronger and makes sense. Easier to understand.


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    Offline Gregg Bell

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    Re: Please comment on book description - dystopian novel
    « Reply #5 on: July 06, 2020, 01:36:55 pm »
    Privacy is sacred. Questions kill. And life is cheap.

    Unless you're "decent."
     
    It's seventy years after a world-wide financial meltdown, and Donald Aldingford lives an isolated life inside the walled city of London. He's lost track of any family outside the walls and feels lucky to survive as a barrister specialising in privacy law. Unlike the decent, he does not possess an estate with thousands of slaves. In fact, he doesn't possess any. But he does know a lot of the decents' secrets.
     
    On a trip (tell us to do what) to a neighboring city his airliner is forced down by the repressive government. He's never seen country life before and is shocked to learn how viciously the decent maltreat their slaves. Worse yet, he discovers his own brother has been condemned to eight years of slave labour.

    Back in London, Donald knows that any questions he asks will draw the attention of the decent, but he's determined to help his brother, so he carefully puts out feelers. No one will even give him the time of day, but then he meets a bold young woman who says she could help free his brother. But she's from outside the city walls. And the head of the anti-decent revolutionary party.



    BTW check this out to lose those strange markings that are replacing punctuation.

    https://dan.hersam.com/tools/smart-quotes.html You just copy and paste from Word (or wherever) into the top box and press "Convert," then copy and paste back into KBoards from the bottom box.

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