[Anne Victory]

Okay, nothing (recently) has happened to get me started on this, but it is one of my HUGE pet peeves, so I figured I'd vent and see if anyone shares my ire

If I ask you to do something or help me with something, please - just say no if you don't want to do it.  You're not doing me any favors by agreeing to do it, then welching out.

Example:
I'm moving this weekend.  I ask you to help me move; you agree.  Moving day rolls around and you are nowhere to be found.

Example 2:
I need a ride somewhere and ask if you'd be willing to come get me and take me to wherever.  At the last minute, you can't make it because of XYZ flimsy excuse.

Okay, folks - news flash.  It's not going to damage our friendship if you can't help me this one time, for whatever reason.  What will piss me off, though, is if I'm counting on you and you don't come through.  If I had known you wouldn't be able to help me move, I'd have made other arrangements.  If I had known you couldn't give me a ride, I'd have called a cab.

Yes, people promising they'll help and then not following through is a huge, HUGE irritation.  Grrr.

 

[balaspa]

I can understand that.  Although, I have, at times, come up with the flimsy excuse.  Soemtimes I start and say yes with the best intentions and then, as the day approaches, suddenly realize I would rather slam my nose in a sliding glass door 14 times than do what I said I would...especially if this is not something related to work.

 

[CaedemMarquez]

Whoops - I promise next time I will be there to help move that drunken cat off of your lawn. All I can say was that it was her birthday and as we all know, she can get a little hopped up on the cat nip, doritos and beer.

Next time I promise I will come through for you!



Caedem

 

[Ann in Arlington]

I can understand that. Although, I have, at times, come up with the flimsy excuse. Soemtimes I start and say yes with the best intentions and then, as the day approaches, suddenly realize I would rather slam my nose in a sliding glass door 14 times than do what I said I would...especially if this is not something related to work.

If you know this about yourself, the better thing is to say, "Let me check my schedule/think about it/see if I'm available." And then give a specific time by which you will get back to them. No is an acceptable answer. But I agree with the OP: yes without follow through is discourteous, sometimes rude, and can cause real problems if someone is counting on you. . . .

 

[Anne Victory]

If you know this about yourself, the better thing is to say, "Let me check my schedule/think about it/see if I'm available." And then give a specific time by which you will get back to them. No is an acceptable answer. But I agree with the OP: yes without follow through is discourteous, sometimes rude, and can cause real problems if someone is counting on you. . . .

This. I totally get that you might not want to do something, and that is your right. Depending on the scenario, though, not following through could cause severe issues. Let's take my two previous examples:

Because my friend didn't show up when they'd promised they would, nor did they do me the courtesy of calling a couple of days ahead of time to say something had come up and they wouldn't be able to:
1) Help me move - I now have to pay extra for my apartment because I'm not going to be moved out on time and I have to scramble / pay extra because I'm trying to hire a truck at the last minute, whereas had I known from the get-go (or at least with SOME advance notice) that you wouldn't be available I'd have already made arrangements.
2) Give me a ride - what if I needed the ride because my car was in the shop but I had a job interview on that day? Again, I'd have arranged for a cab had I known you would be unavailable, but now the cab won't make it in time, so I just lost a potential job.

Of course, not everything is as dire, but really, my point is that you aren't doing any favors by saying yes and then not following through

 

[N. Gemini Sasson]

If you know this about yourself, the better thing is to say, "Let me check my schedule/think about it/see if I'm available." And then give a specific time by which you will get back to them. No is an acceptable answer. But I agree with the OP: yes without follow through is discourteous, sometimes rude, and can cause real problems if someone is counting on you. . . .

When I'm the one asking, I try to remember to give people an out, so they don't feel obligated. Like saying, "It's okay if you have something else to do." And once they agree, "If anything changes, let me know." But you probably did that.

I totally understand where you're coming from, Arkali. I had a friend that I used to meet for lunch occasionally. When circumstances in her life changed (husband lost a job), she'd make excuses at the last minute for not having a lunch we'd scheduled weeks in advance. I think it was more about spending money to eat out that they needed to pay bills. In her case, I think she probably wanted to meet, but the budget constraints were a bit of an embarrassment. Often there's an underlying reason. Then again, some people are just slackers...

 

[Anne Victory]

When I'm the one asking, I try to remember to give people an out, so they don't feel obligated. Like saying, "It's okay if you have something else to do." And once they agree, "If anything changes, let me know." But you probably did that.

I totally understand where you're coming from, Arkali. I had a friend that I used to meet for lunch occasionally. When circumstances in her life changed (husband lost a job), she'd make excuses at the last minute for not having a lunch we'd scheduled weeks in advance. I think it was more about spending money to eat out that they needed to pay bills. In her case, I think she probably wanted to meet, but the budget constraints were a bit of an embarrassment. Often there's an underlying reason. Then again, some people are just slackers...

Definitely. About your friend, she was probably embarrassed, too, to tell you why she couldn't meet. I totally understand that.

The most recent real-life example I have was a few years ago. My best friend (at the time) and her boyfriend had said they'd come over and help us move, if they could get babysitting. If they couldn't, he would come by himself. I offered to pay the babysitter. Mainly, I needed help loading boxes and such on the U-Haul trailer. When I called them to find out where they were, the BF had an "upset stomach" (which she later admitted to me was totally fabricated) and meanwhile he was such an @ss that he also refused to watch the kids so she could come help us. Meanwhile, my husband got called in to the hospital (he works in the cath lab, so it was literally a life-or-death situation), and his best friend couldn't make it (though we'd known ahead of time that was a possibility) and his mom and sister both had to work. So, there we were, my father-in-law and me, loading boxes and heavy furniture onto the truck by ourselves, in 90-degree heat, on a pretty tight deadline. Had I known that people helping would be 1 instead of 3-5, I'd have hired a couple of kids or actual movers, ya know?

PS: I hate moving. Hopefully I never have to go through it again
PPS: I totally agree about giving people an out so they don't feel like they've been put on the spot.