Your version or any of the suggestions are fine with the exception of that last line.jm2019 said:Here comes my most hated part. This is the blurb for the 1st book of a trilogy/series.
Any comments appreciated. Does this look OK/interesting?
I plan to use this blurb on the Amazon page. ~150 words. This is NOT YA. It is meant to be historical fiction.
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With her father sick and her elder sister executed, the sixteen year old Cleopatra must bear the burden of becoming regent of Egypt. Surrounded by gilded arches, silk cushions, and marble columns, she looks forward to the new power which will pave way to her becoming the Queen.
But storm clouds are gathering. The kingdom's finances are a mess, Rome knocks on its doors for debt repayment, poor harvest threatens civil unrest, and the king's powerful advisors are unhappy at her independent streak. Cleopatra is soon about to learn that those who taught her seek to harm her, those she played with hate her, and those she saw as her father's friends are anything but.
And now, Cleopatra must navigate the treacherous forces arrayed against her, and one wrong step could mean ending up as a corpse in the Alexandrian marshes instead of becoming Queen of Egypt.
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Thank you very much
I read a lot of historical fiction (its my favorite genre), and I agree with this recommendation. I'm not even especially interested in Egypt or Cleopatra, but I've nonetheless read three or four novels about her as well as read Shakepeare's play. It would definitely be a plus to know what your angle is on her life and story and what makes your story special and unique as opposed to the other stories written about her.JohnHansen said:As Cleopatra has been the subject of so many novels, plays and movies, I think it would be nice if you indicated what your angle is on her story.
I like this, but as I said before, knowing she lives is a spoiler. I'd be tempted to add an extra line at the end as another question. Many will know about her later life and death, but not many will know about her early years.jvin248 said:.
Here's my run at it:
Surrounded by gilded arches, silk cushions, and marble columns, sixteen year old Cleopatra is to be Regent. Her father The King lays incapacitated and dying, her elder sister was executed by duplicity, her childhood friends have abandoned her, her trusted advisors suddenly seek to mislead her, and even her father's allies have betrayed her and Egypt.
The struggle for Egypt is precarious. She uncovers the severity of the kingdom's bleeding finances, how rampant corruption weakens her administrators, how Rome is demanding immediate debt repayment to continue funding their foreign wars, while Egypt's enemies have arrayed legions of chariots along the Eastern and Western boarders. Internally, consecutive poor harvests have threatened starvation, fear, and civil unrest. Can she find a path to save Egypt as Queen -- or will she perish from treachery amid the murky marshes of Alexandria?
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Decon said:I like this, but as I said before, knowing she lives is a spoiler. I'd be tempted to add an extra line at the end as another question. Many will know about her later life and death, but not many will know about her early years.
Something along the lines of. - But just how a sixteen year old Cleopatra will navigate these dangers is the stuff that makes her life epic.
That would be a hook for me to discount I know she will live to want to know more.
Sorry I meant to click your quote. Yours is the one I referred to with my suggestion.jm2019 said:I took another shot at addressing comments. It's more "show" ( I hope) and I tweaked the stakes. I will be mentioning before the blurb starts, that this is Book I (and therefore the saga does not end) and state something around the fact that this is about Cleopatra's rise and that this takes a "gritty" Egyptian point-of-view of her life.
How does this read? Thank you all once again.
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Amidst ancient hymns and burning incense, sixteen-year-old Cleopatra is about to bear the heavy mantle of the regent of Egypt. Her father is sick, and her elder sister is dead by his hands. Surrounded by gilded arches, silk cushions, and marble columns, she looks forward to exercising the divine authority vested in her by the gods.
But storm clouds are gathering. Egypt's coin chests are empty and the people are angry, a surly Rome is banging on its doors for debt repayments, and the dying king's powerful advisors salivate at the prospect of playing her like a puppet and securing unbridled influence. Cleopatra will soon learn that those who taught her seek to harm her, those she played with hate her, and her father's friends are anything but.
Now, she must navigate treacherous waters and confront ruthless adversaries, because one wrong move means not only ending up as a corpse in the Alexandrian marshes, but also ending the the Pharaonic legacy of three-thousand years.
It's a little wordy and doesn't leave enough to the imagination, imo. Maybe tighten it up a bit and use less definite (more symbolic, poetic) language...for example:jm2019 said:I took another shot at addressing comments. It's more "show" ( I hope) and I tweaked the stakes. I will be mentioning before the blurb starts, that this is Book I (and therefore the saga does not end) and state something around the fact that this is about Cleopatra's rise and that this takes a "gritty" Egyptian point-of-view of her life.
How does this read? Thank you all once again.
===
Amidst ancient hymns and burning incense, sixteen-year-old Cleopatra is about to bear the heavy mantle of the regent of Egypt. Her father is sick, and her elder sister is dead by his hands. Surrounded by gilded arches, silk cushions, and marble columns, she looks forward to exercising the divine authority vested in her by the gods.
But storm clouds are gathering. Egypt's coin chests are empty and the people are angry, a surly Rome is banging on its doors for debt repayments, and the dying king's powerful advisors salivate at the prospect of playing her like a puppet and securing unbridled influence. Cleopatra will soon learn that those who taught her seek to harm her, those she played with hate her, and her father's friends are anything but.
Now, she must navigate treacherous waters and confront ruthless adversaries, because one wrong move means not only ending up as a corpse in the Alexandrian marshes, but also ending the the Pharaonic legacy of three-thousand years.