[JeanneM]

My short story, Dual, isn't selling....at all.

Will you guys take a look at my blurb and tell me why it isn't drawing any interest? Thank you so much.

Imagine you live in a world torn by war and poverty. A world fueled by hate and despair. Then imagine one day you find a portal to a parallel universe, one where your world could be filled with riches, love and safety. What would you do to make it yours? More importantly, what wouldn't you do to make it yours?

Dual is the story of Betty, a woman who in one short day, will have to answer these questions.

Dual is a short story and runs 5,787 words.

 

[VKScott]

Here's my stab in the dark: Dual's blurb focuses more on the setting than on the main character, when it should be the other way around. You might want to consider telling us how Betty will have to answer these questions. What is the specific dilemma that she faces, or the danger that she finds herself in?

I found reading this article helpful for writing blurbs (though I'm still learning): http://mcquestionablemusings.blogspot.com/2011/01/my-method-for-writing-book-description.html

Notice how, in the examples, the protagonist and his/her struggles are front and center.

 

[JeanneM]

Thanks VK...I'll take a look.

 

[lewaters]

What about removing all the extra words and just keeping this:

A world torn by war and poverty.
A world fueled by hate and despair.
A portal to a parallel universe, filled with riches, love and safety.

What would you do to make it yours? More importantly, what wouldn't you do to make it yours?​

Just an idea, see what others think

 

[◄ Jess ►]

I'm not a fan of starting descriptions with open-ended questions like that. Unless I can directly relate to the question, it doesn't draw me in at all because it has nothing to do with me. I've always believed that you should tell us who the MC is, what the conflict is, and how she tries to overcome it. That sort of thing is much more interesting.

 

[JeanneM]

Thank you lewaters. I really like that!

Thanks you Jessica, I appreciate your input so much. 

 

[R. H. Watson]

Here's my stab in the dark: Dual's blurb focuses more on the setting than on the main character, when it should be the other way around. You might want to consider telling us how Betty will have to answer these questions. What is the specific dilemma that she faces, or the danger that she finds herself in?

I found reading this article helpful for writing blurbs (though I'm still learning): http://mcquestionablemusings.blogspot.com/2011/01/my-method-for-writing-book-description.html

Notice how, in the examples, the protagonist and his/her struggles are front and center.

Basically, that's what I was going to say: Maybe change your first sentence to, "[Betty lives] in a world torn by war and poverty." and take it from there.

 

[JodyWallace]

If the story is about Betty, maybe make the blurb more Betty centric?

 

[philvan]

I suggest --
Betty lives in a world torn by war and poverty, fueled by hate and despair.
When a portal opens to a parallel universe filled with riches, love and safety, she  ---- (don't give the plot away, but something like 'is torn' 'struggles to' fights for' or similar)

 

[JeanneM]

Thanks so much, everyone. I'll work on it tonight.

Thanks Phil...This helps a lot.