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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I love how collaborative Kindleboards can be. I could use some help with strengthening my blurb for a new short story I have coming out. Thanks in advance to everyone.

The classic romance of boy meets girl in a coffee shop gets a twist in this hilarious short story. When a devout Christian college student sees a loving couple in a coffee shop, she realizes to her horror that the man and woman are having an affair. Shocked at such sin, the student decides to put her budding journalistic skills to work. Knowing they are on their way to a motel, she follows them, hoping to break her first Cheaters-meets-TMZ type news story. But what awaits her is the last thing she expects.

Caedem - http://CaedemMarquez.com
 

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Don't you mean, Blurb Almost There with Caedem Marquez?

;D ;D ;D

Just kidding.
 

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Cut the first sentence. This is a blurb, not a pitch to an editor, and an author calling their own book hilarious is off-putting (even if it's true). ;) And put the character's name in there, so it's not just a "college student."

Suggested changes (take them or leave them :) ):

Christian journalism student Jane Doe is shocked to realize the loving couple she's been admiring in the coffee shop are actually having an affair together. Appalled by their blatant disregard for their vows, Jane follows them, hoping to break her first "Cheaters-meets-TMZ" news story. But what she uncovers is the last thing she ever expected.

I do have a question, which potential readers are likely to ask: what kind of Christian deliberately plans to write a gossip column that humiliates someone...even if they are sinning? I mean, there are plenty of Christians who would do that kind of thing, but they aren't being very Christ-like if they are. It would hurt not only the cheaters, but humiliate the families of the cheaters. When you put the word Christian in your blurb, people automatically think "inspirational." If it's an inspie, you'll irritate the Christians with the mc's behavior (if they even buy it), and if it's not, a lot of people will skip it, thinking it is an inspie. Just a thought.

(I know, the last thing you want someone doing is poking holes in your plot when you just finished your story. Sorry. :-X)
 

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Howdy, friend!  ;)

I'll take a quick stab at it...

When Jesus-freak (does she have a name? I forget) sees a couple locking lips in a coffee shop, her journalistic mind goes into overdrive. A ring of untanned skin where a wedding ring should be? They must be having an affair. Realizing this is her chance to break her first cheater-expose news story, she follows the couple to a Motel.  However, what she discovers there is the last thing she expects...

Okay, I suck at this, but I tried to punch it up a little  :p.  Grain of salt!
 

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I'm also thinking you might want to cut the first sentence, although I think otherwise, it worked well for me. Depending on how complicated the short story is, it might be nice to hear a little bit more about the protagonist. Just a thought--I think it works fairly well as it is!
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thanks, there is some great advice here. I appreciate it.

Emeline Danvers said:
Cut the first sentence. This is a blurb, not a pitch to an editor, and an author calling their own book hilarious is off-putting (even if it's true). ;)
I agree with you. Will take it out.

DelilahFawkes said:
sees a couple locking lips in a coffee shop, her journalistic mind goes into overdrive. A ring of untanned skin where a wedding ring should be? They must be having an affair.
I like this. Thank you.

Emeline Danvers said:
I do have a question, which potential readers are likely to ask: what kind of Christian deliberately plans to write a gossip column that humiliates someone...even if they are sinning?
I get what you're saying, but I'm sure we can all name people from all kinds of religious that would do this. It's a Romantic Comedy so I'll work on the blurb a bit because obviously that's not coming across yet.

Caedem - http://CaedemMarquez.com
 

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Emeline Danvers said:
I do have a question, which potential readers are likely to ask: what kind of Christian deliberately plans to write a gossip column that humiliates someone...even if they are sinning? I mean, there are plenty of Christians who would do that kind of thing, but they aren't being very Christ-like if they are.
I have to tell you that this was exactly my first thought.

I get no sense of "romantic comedy" from the blurb as is.
 

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It was perfect. Jane wanted a story and there it was. An affair. Adultery. All that she needed for her first big break but what she uncovers is the last thing she expected to find.
The truth.
A blurb wants to be short, sharp, and aimed straight for the gut.
 

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CaedemMarquez said:
I get what you're saying, but I'm sure we can all name people from all kinds of religious that would do this. It's a Romantic Comedy so I'll work on the blurb a bit because obviously that's not coming across yet.
It's true that there are a lot of hypocrites in the world, but what I meant was that using the word Christian in the blurb leads one to believe it is an inspirational. Using a different word, such as Jesus-freak (this tells you it's not an inspie...although it may hint that it is an anti-Christian book, which might not be what you are going for either) or even better, using a word like "judgmental", or some other way to get the idea across.

Yes, definitely put something in there that says "comedy", because it doesn't read as funny right now.

I liked this: "It was perfect. Jane wanted a story and there it was. An affair. Adultery. All that she needed for her first big break." Then add another paragraph, with something snappy and funny at the end.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Emeline Danvers said:
using the word Christian in the blurb leads one to believe it is an inspirational. Using a different word, such as Jesus-freak (this tells you it's not an inspie...although it may hint that it is an anti-Christian book,
Yup and yup. It's not inspirational and it's not anti-Christian so...hmmm...still more work to do.

Thank you everybody for your input. This is helping a lot.

Caedem - http://CaedemMarquez.com
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Thank you everybody for your valuable feedback. I tried to put it all together. How about this?

Car chases, romantic interludes and breathtaking moments are not the norm for Gertrude, a single, chubby college student. But as she snacks on strawberry muffins, scones, and three Frappaccinos she watches a couple locking lips in a coffee shop. As she studies them, her journalistic mind goes into overdrive. A circle of untanned skin where a wedding ring should be? They must be having an affair. Hoping to break her first "Cheaters-meets-TMZ" news story, she decides to follow them to a motel. And so begins an adventure she could never have imagined, and what she uncovers is the last thing she ever expected.

Caedem - http://CaedemMarquez.com
 
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