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Blurb critiquers needed!

340 Views 6 Replies 5 Participants Last post by  Tyler Danann
Hi gang,

Just wondering if the sharp and critical of eye could take a little look at my Mountain Hold blurb.

http://www.amazon.com/Mountain-Hold-Terras-Edge-Chronicles-ebook/dp/B00GNTUNA4

Here we go:
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Forces of the apocalypse have awoken.

Mike Oakley never wanted a war, only to be left alone in his mountains, but sometimes war finds a person instead.

As cities become arenas of mayhem, countries begin to collapse and governments across the globe fall. Out of the maelstrom of chaos diverse factions are forged.

Hoping to find sanctuary from the havoc they head into the Rocky Mountains. In the valley below their haven, a small town finds itself under siege from a seemingly unstoppable horde of raiders.

One of their targets, The Mountain Hold!

Fans of JRR Tolkein will be fired-up by this fierce yarn of a courageous new era rising from the ashes of the old.

Video Trailer:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWWeDKGYMLE

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I used to have reviews but removed them a while back. I kept the comparison line though, but I'm not sure if that's correct fully?
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This is the one for the CreateSpace description:

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

The dawn heralds the collapse of world infrastructures, cities becoming arenas of mayhem while governments across the globe fall. Out of the maelstrom of chaos diverse factions are forged and an intrepid new spirit arises.

A small group of survivors desperately flee the collapse. Hoping to build a sanctuary from the havoc they head into the Rocky Mountains. In the valley below their haven, a small town finds itself under siege from a seemingly unstoppable horde of raiders.

Dark, powerful forces of the apocalypse have awoken,
seeking to control and enslave humanity.

One of their targets - The Mountain Hold!

Fans of JRR Tolkein will be fired-up by this fierce yarn of a courageous new era rising from the ashes of the old.

>>>>>
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Lose Tolkien.   
I like the Createspace one. 
I am not fond of the first one.  Too many chopped sentences.
No no no, to the name dropping.  Same with the exclamation point.

The Createspace one is much better. I'd introduce a main character, though.

I lose faith in authors who can't spell the name of their favourite author correctly. That's an immediate no-buy.
Like the second one better also.  Probably agree with the statement about not comparing it to specific authors (although, you maybe could campare it to genres; say, fantasy epic in the near future (heh, just a suggestion : )

Otherwise, the blurb is interesting enough to grab my attention and either purchase or read reviews.  Good job.

GeoffW
Thanks a lot folks! :)

Making those changes, NOW! :)
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