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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
For his entire life, Aiden felt as if he lived someone else's life, trapped in a wrong body, suffocating in a sweltering environment of his small town.

So when a chain of unfortunate events leads to him getting stuck in a virtual world of Mongro he embraces the chance to experience a new life, even though it isn't going to be an easy one.

He joins the team of most peculiar creatures in a nearly impossible mission to protect Valontra, a small coastal country from the intervention of a much more powerful enemy.
 

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The second sentence seems a bit long and the last part weakens it a little, IMO. "[...] a new life, even though it isn't going to be an easy one" vs "[...] a new, tough life" or something like that.

It also lacks a final sentence to conclude it and nail the genre, IMO. Is it SF? Is it fantasy? Could be any of them.
 

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I like it. The third paragraph feels a little clunky maybe. It feels like it needs one stark sentence to start off. Maybe something like:

Now he joins a team of most peculiar creatures. Together they get wrapped up in a nearly impossible mission, but at the end of the day, who else is going to protect the small coastal country of Valontra?

Or maybe

Now he joins a team of most peculiar creatures. Only together can they protect the small coastal country of Valontra, and only together can Aiden finally find out who he is going to be when the world needs a hero.

I don't know. You'll get it where you want it :) I just think that it needs a little punch either at the beginning or at the end. Good luck with the new novel!
 

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....embraces the chance at a new life.

The struggle in that life turns out to be more existential than his previous world. With a small coastal country in need of heroes, he joins a team of peculiar creatures to defend Valontra from the evil coastal invaders.

?
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
....embraces the chance at a new life.

The struggle in that life turns out to be more existential than his previous world. With a small coastal country in need of heroes, he joins a team of peculiar creatures to defend Valontra from the evil coastal invaders.

?
Yeah, it's more interesting this way, though "evil invaders" sounds like a kids book :)
 

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Oh, and this makes me feel old, but what is LitRPG? I've heard this said a few times and never really knew what it was. No biggie, I just always kinda wondered.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Oh, and this makes me feel old, but what is LitRPG? I've heard this said a few times and never really knew what it was. No biggie, I just always kinda wondered.
Literary Roleplaying Game.
Basically, narrating the process of a character playing a game, but making it a readable story.

 

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I'll give a go at editing. Please feel free to take what helps :)

His whole life, Aiden felt trapped in the wrong body, suffocating in the sweltering environment of his small town. After a chain of unfortunate events, Aiden is trapped in the virtual world of Mongro. {Need to insert the enemy action that begins Aiden's protective response}

He joins a team of most peculiar creatures to protect Valontra from their powerful enemy. The mission seems impossible, and there may be no way out or through. Aiden is determined to try.

{Need to insert the invitation to download here, something like "Join Aiden as he struggles against the evil invading Valontra" or "Download your copy today"}
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I'll give a go at editing. Please feel free to take what helps :)

His whole life, Aiden felt trapped in the wrong body, suffocating in the sweltering environment of his small town. After a chain of unfortunate events, Aiden is trapped in the virtual world of Mongro. {Need to insert the enemy action that begins Aiden's protective response}

He joins a team of most peculiar creatures to protect Valontra from their powerful enemy. The mission seems impossible, and there may be no way out or through. Aiden is determined to try.

{Need to insert the invitation to download here, something like "Join Aiden as he struggles against the evil invading Valontra" or "Download your copy today"}
I like this ending!

I also was pondering upon the title, current working title is "Defenders of Valontra", but I'm thinking that maybe singular "Defender of Valontra" would be more to the point, as there's a first-person POV, and names referring to the MC are typical for this genre, like Ritualist, Shaman, etc.
But on other hand, my MC is mostly acting as a part of a team, so maybe plural Defenders would make more sense... I'm confused 😟
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 · (Edited)
So here's another take:

For his entire life, Aiden felt as if he lived someone else's life, trapped in a wrong body, suffocating in a sweltering environment of his small town.

So when a chain of unfortunate events leads to him getting stuck in the virtual world of Mongro he suddenly gets the chance to live a new, hard and fulfilling one.

He joins the team of most peculiar creatures in a desperate mission to protect Valontra, a small coastal country from being swept away by a much more powerful enemy. Soon his allies become his new family and now when he has something to fight for, he is ready to become a hero he never thought he could be, or die trying.
 
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