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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Help, help, help! I've got three blurbs, and I don't know if any of them are good. I'm kind of partial to the third one myself, but it's from the POV of the guy, and the book is from the POV of the girl, which I think is misleading. Thoughts? Help?

Blurb #1:
Griffin Fawkes  is lethal and rough around the edges. He's got prison tattoos decorating his lean, muscled body. He's also unsettlingly gorgeous.

He's there to keep Leigh Thorn safe. Her father is dead and people are after her. They won't stop until they've killed her too.

He's solemn and secretive. And when Leigh tries to kiss him, he tells her it's a bad idea, because he can't let himself get distracted.

She knows it would be smart to let it go. Color Leigh stupid. She just can't.

Blurb#2:
Leigh Thorn has never had any problem getting a man’s attention, except for, of course, the man she wants it most from—her workaholic father. When she gets into cocaine-fueled car accident, her father steals a serum from the arms corporation he works for. Using the serum, he heals her and saves her life. Leigh didn’t know he cared.

Now her father is dead, killed by the corporation for knowing their secrets. She’s hiding out in a backwoods college, fighting with Griffin Fawkes, the ex-assassin her father sent to make sure they don’t kill her too.

Griffin is the most gorgeous man she’s ever seen. He’s smoldering, secretive, solemn, and frustratingly all-business. He won’t touch her, claiming it would distract him from what’s important—keeping her safe. But when she kisses him, she feels his reaction to her. Right before he breaks away.

Guys don’t generally say no to Leigh, and she can’t see why Griffin is. She knows he wants her, and she wants him too. Why else would he keep saving her life?

Blurb #3:
An ex-assassin, Griffin Fawkes owes his freedom to Leigh Thorn's father. The man begged him to keep his daughter safe. Now he's dead, and the men who killed him won't stop until they've killed Leigh too.

But Griffin didn't expect this cocaine-fueled party girl who barely seems to care about her own safety. It seems like she'd rather destroy herself than anything else.

Even worse, he didn't expect he'd care about her. He knows he's too damaged to ever really be with a woman. The best he can do is keep her safe from whoever could hurt her. Including herself. Including himself.

Of course, fighting off men with guns is starting to seem easier than keeping his hands off Leigh.
 

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If it's from her POV, she needs to be the focus. You're explaining too much here. Start with the situation, something like:

Party girl Leigh Thorn never got the attention she wanted from her father. But she's getting it now from his murderers. ...

Good luck!
 

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I feel like #1 would have the most broad appeal to the folks putting sexy bad boys on the top 100. It's not really the one to my personal taste, but the bestseller list doesn't reflect my personal taste. That being said, I actually liked #1 and it did hold my interest.

Your potential buyer will have the blurb and the cover, and will also take a glance at the reviews if they want more details. This is a very good blurb, and I wouldn't want to see more detail bogging it down.

I would tweak the final paragraph, though, because by the time I'm reading it, I've forgotten what the topic is. Try to rework "She knows it would be smart to let it go" without the nasty little 'it' word, so you keep the reader on the point. Throw in a sexy word or phrase, like sexual chemistry or flickering passion or simmering lust.
 

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MeiLinMiranda said:
Dalya's right about the bad boy thing, btw, but just remember to talk about him from her POV; the second version sounds like he's the POV character is where I was inarticulately going...
I see what you mean. I just see so many heavy-breathing books where they start off talking about the hunky man-yummies, and we feel that lascivious female gaze. :eek:

I think a male-pov story wouldn't start with a physical description of the guy, but with how freaking awesome/misunderstood he is, heehee. ;-)
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks guys. I was worried that first one wasn't specific enough, but I like it too. And broad appeal is good. :)

I'll play with that last line a bit.
 

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The third blurb is the most interesting. Maybe you can tweak it to show more about her, since it's in her POV. I like the way you described the story and stakes in this one.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I shall probably go with the first one, since I want to trick--er, entice--people into reading my stuff by making them think it's the same as everything else, (<--this is a joke, incidentally) but here's a go at doing the blurb from two POVs, incorporating some of the third one.

Leigh Thorn is hiding out in this backwoods college because her father put her in danger, and if the wrong people find her, she's dead. She'd rather snort lines than think about that. She'd rather do shots of marshmallow-flavored vodka until she can't remember.

When Griffin Fawkes arrives with the news that her father's dead, she isn't sure if she cares. He wasn't much of a father anyway. The only silver lining here is that Griffin's jaw-droppingly gorgeous, and Leigh wants him bad.

Griffin owes his life to Leigh's father. The man begged him to keep his daughter safe. But Griffin didn't expect this cocaine-fueled party girl who barely seems to care about her own safety. It seems like she'd rather destroy herself than anything else.

Even worse, he didn't expect he'd care about her. He knows he's too damaged to ever really be with a woman. The best he can do is to make sure she's safe from whoever could hurt her. Including herself. Including himself.

Of course, fighting off men with guns is starting to seem easier than keeping his hands off Leigh.
 

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This is great!  I think you did a really good job of incorporating everything, and the marshmallow vodka line made me smile. This blurb would definitely make me download a sample to read more. Good luck! :)
 
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