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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Not for the faint of heart, BTW...

Six months ago, werewolf tracker Dana Gray warned her high school friend Cole Randall that they both fit the victim profile of the wolf serial killer she was hunting. When he attacked her, she realized Cole was the murderer. He almost killed her, but she got away.

Now, all Dana wants is to stop thinking about Cole. He haunts her dreams and thoughts. He is terrifying, disgusting, and... perversely alluring. She's ashamed of her attraction to this brutal man, but she doesn't know how to fight it..

She hopes going back to work will be a good distraction. She returns to a bewildering case in which werewolves who have been formerly cured of their violent instincts are killing again. From his maximum security cell, Cole claims he has the answers to solve the case. But he'll only talk to Dana.

Dana longs to go to him. She's grateful for the excuse. But the closer she works with him, the closer she gets to surrendering to his dark seduction. And giving in is the most sickly horrific thing she can possibly imagine.
 
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I'd get to the last two paragraphs quicker. The blurb isn't long, but it seems like it is because it's too much information crammed into it.

The first paragraph seems to really be fussy in that you're opening up subjects that can't be explained. Because of that, you're initiating a series pf questions instead of capturing my interest. Better to open with her being betrayed by her best friend or high school friend and proceed from there.

:)



 

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I had a stab. Whew that story sounds intense!!

The last person werewolf-tracker Dana Gray wants to turn to for help is wolf serial killer, Cole Randall. But formerly-cured werewolves are killing again, and Cole might be the only one with answers. In his maximum-security prison cell, Cole is terrifying, disgusting, and... perversely alluring. Dana's ashamed of her attraction to this brutal man but her defences are weakening under his dark seduction.
Six months ago at Riverdale High, Dana had been sure that Cole was the next target of the werewolf killer she was hunting. That mistake almost cost Dana her life. Now she needs to find out how to stop the killing rampages without surrendering to the most dangerous werewolf alive.
 

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Anya said:
I had a stab. Whew that story sounds intense!!

The last person werewolf-tracker Dana Gray wants to turn to for help is wolf serial killer, Cole Randall. But formerly-cured werewolves are killing again, and Cole might be the only one with answers. In his maximum-security prison cell, Cole is terrifying, disgusting, and... perversely alluring. Dana's ashamed of her attraction to this brutal man but her defences are weakening under his dark seduction.
Six months ago at Riverdale High, Dana had been sure that Cole was the next target of the werewolf killer she was hunting. That mistake almost cost Dana her life. Now she needs to find out how to stop the killing rampages without surrendering to the most dangerous werewolf alive.
The second sentence needs some reworking...it just seems a little awkward. However, this reworked blurb is much stronger and makes me want to read this book!

Keith
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Whatcha think about this? (Thanks Anya.)

The last person werewolf tracker Dana Gray wants to turn to for help is wolf serial killer, Cole Randall, the man who almost killed her. But formerly-cured werewolves are killing again, and Cole claims he has the answers to solve the case.

Cole has haunted her dreams and thoughts ever since she escaped him and got him locked up. He is terrifying, disgusting, and... perversely alluring. She's ashamed of her attraction to this brutal man, but she doesn't know how to fight it.

Now, if she wants to stop the killing rampages, she must work with Cole. And she must struggle against surrendering to the dark seduction of the most ruthless werewolf alive.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
WPotocki said:
The first paragraph seems to really be fussy in that you're opening up subjects that can't be explained. Because of that, you're initiating a series pf questions instead of capturing my interest.
Ahahaha!

It's a typo and misread wrapped in an enigma. :D

I totally read it as, "You're initiating a serious pf question."

And I was like, "What's that mean?"
 

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valeriec80 said:
The last person werewolf tracker Dana Gray wants to turn to for help is wolf serial killer, Cole Randall, the man who almost killed her. But formerly-cured werewolves are killing again, and Cole claims he has the answers to solve the case.

Cole has haunted her dreams and thoughts ever since she escaped him and got him locked up. He is terrifying, disgusting, and... perversely alluring. She's ashamed of her attraction to this brutal man, but she doesn't know how to fight it.

Now, if she wants to stop the killing rampages, she must work with Cole. And she must struggle against surrendering to the dark seduction of the most ruthless werewolf alive.
I'm lost...is Dana a werewolf? Or a tracker? Is Cole a werewolf? What were the werewolves cured from -- malevolence or their actual condition?

Ah! Okay so I just read to the last sentence, and got how it all fits. So, unless I'm alone, I think we have a derail issue in sentence one.

Let's try:

They come every full moon, tearing their victims to pieces.

If their kind is to survive, Dana Gray has to stop the same werewolves that were once cured of their violence. One man claims to hold the key: Cole Randall, a psychopathic lycan stalking the depths of a supermax prision. Getting Cole's help might kill her. But his strange allure is even more dangerous.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Jonathan C. Gillespie said:
They come every full moon, tearing their victims to pieces.

If their kind is to survive, Dana Gray has to stop the same werewolves that were once cured of their violence. One man claims to hold the key: Cole Randall, a psychopathic lycan stalking the depths of a supermax prision. Getting Cole's help might kill her. But his strange allure is even more dangerous.
I like the voice and style of this. Thanks!
 

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When I read 'wolf serial killer' I think of a serial killer whose victims are wolves. Could it be changed to 'serial-killing werewolf' instead? I think that might make the situation clearer.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Well, it's really hard to say, because he is a werewolf, and he only kills other werewolves.

I think most people might say, "Serial-killing werewolf? Aren't all werewolves serial killers?"

Anyway, it really hardly matters, as long as it's conveyed that he's not a proper love interest.

All I want to get out in this blurb is this:

Cole is a bad, bad man.

Dana has the hots for him, even though he's bad.

She's trying to stay away from him, but she's forced to be near him.

I hate blurbs. Sigh.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
All right, one more try. I don't know if this is good, because I've buried my protagonist now, but I was trying to copy the Red Dragon blurb, and incorporate some of the suggestions Jonathan made, and to make sure that the audience understands it's a highly sexually tense book, and...

Two rehabilitated werewolves have gone astray at the last full moon, leaving shredded, bloody bodies in their wake.

One man claims to hold the key to their unexpected violence: Cole Randall, a psychopathic werewolf stalking the depths of a maximum security cell. But he will only share his insight with Dana Gray, the werewolf tracker he tried--and failed--to kill. The woman who led to his capture.

If Dana wants to stop the killing, she must work with Cole. But she's afraid of him. Not only because he terrorized and nearly murdered her, but because she finds him perversely attractive, and she doesn't know if she can resist his dark allure.


Um, no. Sorry, but I like my first one way better than this. I think I'm going to go with that but cut the bit about them being high school chums, since I can see where it's confusing. If anyone has any other ideas, however, I'm all ears.
 

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Jonathan C. Gillespie said:
I'm curious: is the book intended, in part, to be a nod toward the Hannibal trilogy?
Since she was aping the Red Dragon blurb, and the baddie appears to be Lecter as a werewolf, I'm assuming so. Tough act to follow.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Jonathan C. Gillespie said:
I'm curious: is the book intended, in part, to be a nod toward the Hannibal trilogy?
Not really.

Although the idea of consulting a serial killer for help with a current case is probably treated as normal because of Thomas Harris. (In real life, that probably never happens.) I thought maybe I could get some cues from that blurb.

This book was inspired (er, stolen) from Chelsea Cain's Archie and Gretchen books. It's actually one of my more obvious thefts, which is too bad. I steal basically all of my ideas, but I usually hide them better. The paranormal elements are my own, I switched the genders, and I think I pushed it a good bit farther than she does, but yeah. It's stolen.

Cain sort of acknowledges that she owes Harris. So I guess I'm stealing from Cain, who's stealing from Harris, who's undoubtedly stealing from Hitchcock, and... maybe stealing's not so bad. :D
 

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I mean, no one owns tropes, in my book (I'm looking at you, Mr. Gibson, and your antipathy toward Shadowrun). You won't catch any flak from me, but I'd consider if your readers are going to be cool with it.

Just my two cents. No offense intended.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Jonathan C. Gillespie said:
Just my two cents. No offense intended.
Didn't mean to sound prickly.

I'm just feeling frustrated with this blurb, because I can't tell whether the suggestions are making it better or just making it different.

Usually, when I get advice on this stuff, I get like... a feeling or something. A sort of, "Yes, that's much nicer." But I'm not getting that. I really liked your blurb, but it's not quite the blurb for my book, which is understandable, considering you haven't read it.

Anyway, I think I'm just having trouble separating my publisher self from my writer self today. And on top of that, they're both a little off. Writer side is sort of pouty, and publisher self is thinking that it doesn't matter what the blurb says, the book's way too weird for anyone to buy anyway. Too creepy for romance readers. Too much mushy/sexy stuff for a proper thriller. Better to toss it out there willy nilly and write more sequels to things that already selling, darn it. :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Allrighty, I feel better today! Mental breakdowns over. Criticize me. I can take it. I am ready to improve!!!

Is this better? More showing, less telling, and I tried to clarify the stakes a bit.

Six months ago, werewolf tracker Dana Gray barely escaped from Cole Randall, the wolf serial killer who kept her in his basement torturing her. Toying with her. He almost killed her, but he couldn't. He let her live.

Now, she finds herself obsessed with Cole. His voice haunts her, hypnotic and liquid, flowing through her, both horrifying and arousing. She can't shut him up.

At work, she struggles with a bewildering case in which rehabilitated werewolves are going astray and killing again. From his maximum security cell, Cole claims he has all the answers. But he'll only talk to Dana.

Maybe Cole knows something. Maybe he doesn't. Dana doesn't know. She only knows she's grateful for the excuse to go to him. And once she hears his velvet voice again, she'll do anything to see him, whether it helps solve the case or not.
 
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