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Hey guys. I'd appreciate if anyone could look over this blurb. I've had half a dozen people look at it for me, but they're all family, so...yeah. Anyway, thanks in advance.
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Bella's entire life has been spent trying to help others, and now it's going to get her killed.

Working as a corporate drone can be soul crushing, but if anyone learns she's a witch, she could lose her head too. She has always been able to walk the line between the mystic and mundane while keeping her head down, but when something supernatural invades her building and kidnaps a child, she'll have risk everything to rescue the girl and protect her secret. Plunging into the hidden world of magic, she will face trolls, shape changing Pookas, and the mother of monsters. Will she have the strength to fight creatures straight out of mythology, or will both she and the girl die?

An Elementary Witch is the first of the Bella Flores Urban Fantasy series. If you enjoy brilliant magic, dangerous monsters, and going toe-to-toe with supernatural forces, you'll love this first in series.

Discover this hidden world today!
 

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Rob Martin said:
Hey guys. I'd appreciate if anyone could look over this blurb. I've had half a dozen people look at it for me, but they're all family, so...yeah. Anyway, thanks in advance.
This might seem minor, but I think if you changed the first line to:

"Bella's entire life has been spent trying to help others, now it's going to get her killed."

it gives it a bit more punch.

And yeah, I'd suggest the last line stop after "you'll love this."

Or, "If you enjoy brilliant magic, dangerous monsters, and going toe-to-toe with supernatural forces, you'll love "An Elementary Witch", first in the Bella Flores Urban Fantasy series.
 

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Rob Martin said:
Actually, I think that works better. Thank you.
You're welcome!

I think this sentence, "Will she have the strength to fight creatures straight out of mythology, or will both she and the girl die?" Needs a bit of work too, the "she and the girl die" part is too blunt and direct. Maybe something like,

"Will she have the strength to fight creatures straight out of mythology, or will she fail, dooming the girl to an evil fate?"
 
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I eliminated the passive voice--always a must for dynamic writing--added some less common words for punch, and got rid of a couple of cliches.  See what you think:

Bella has tried to help people all her life, but now she’s afraid her concern may end in tragedy.

Her job as a corporate drone crushes her soul while hiding her magical gifts from coworkers day after day wears her down.  But when a supernatural being kidnaps a child from her building, Bella will risk her secret to rescue this little girl.  Thrust into the hidden world of trolls, shape-shifting pookahs, and the mother of all monsters, Bella hopes the magic she’s hidden for so long and her own strength can defeat these mythological creatures backed by deadly supernatural forces.  She must prevail, or she and the child will surely perish.

An Elementary Witch is the first book in the Bella Flores Urban Fantasy series. If you love brilliant magic, extraordinarily lethal creatures, and uphill battles with relentless supernatural forces, then you’ll enjoy entering Bella’s world.
 

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Cocky Ms M said:
I eliminated the passive voice--always a must for dynamic writing--added some less common words for punch, and got rid of a couple of cliches.
Passive voice isn't inherently bad. It's useful for certain things, such as if you want to emphasize an action more than who or what is doing the action. For example:

--President Obama was sworn in by Chief Justice Roberts
--Chief Justice Roberts swore in President Obama.

If the president is the more important element, the first one is preferable even though it's in passive voice. Automatically eliminating passive voice without understanding what it's for isn't a good idea.
 
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Paranormal Kitty said:
Passive voice isn't inherently bad. It's useful for certain things, such as if you want to emphasize an action more than who or what is doing the action. For example:

--President Obama was sworn in by Chief Justice Roberts
--Chief Justice Roberts swore in President Obama.

If the president is the more important element, the first one is preferable even though it's in passive voice. Automatically eliminating passive voice without understanding what it's for isn't a good idea.
Agreed that some passive voice is not only preferable but often it's the only way to express something without awkward literary convolutions.

However, for a blurb--which is what the OP was about--when every word counts and you need to attract a reader's notice quickly, a strong active voice is generally better as an attention-grabber.
 
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