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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ok, so I'm looking at the blurb for "Dead Men Don't Cry" and thinking I could probably do better. Here's what I've got right now:

This collection includes 10 tales of computers that invent God, minds that travel through time, electronic ghosts, and deceased extraterrestrials. Some of these stories are award winners. Others are more obscure, but they all share one thing in common: They stem from a love of fiction and a fascination with the endless possibilities of our universe.

About 211 pages or 48,000 words.

Included Stories:

Pastry Run
Dead Men Don't Cry
Blue Ink
Backlash
Monument
Tammi's Garden
All Praise to the Dreamer
The Breath of Heaven
Ghost Chimes
A New Kind of Sunrise


Somehow it all feels so... academic. Should I maybe spice it up, or include a brief description of each of the stories, or something? What's it lacking?
 

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Nancy Fulda said:
Ok, so I'm looking at the blurb for "Dead Men Don't Cry" and thinking I could probably do better. Here's what I've got right now:

This collection includes 10 tales of computers that invent God, minds that travel through time, electronic ghosts, and deceased extraterrestrials. Some of these stories are award winners. Others are more obscure, but they all share one thing in common: They stem from a love of fiction and a fascination with the endless possibilities of our universe.

About 211 pages or 48,000 words.

Included Stories:

Pastry Run
Dead Men Don't Cry
Blue Ink
Backlash
Monument
Tammi's Garden
All Praise to the Dreamer
The Breath of Heaven
Ghost Chimes
A New Kind of Sunrise


Somehow it all feels so... academic. Should I maybe spice it up, or include a brief description of each of the stories, or something? What's it lacking?
Right now it's more a list of contents than a promotional tool. Take the list of titles for example. They don't tell anything about the contents of the story, and don't build any excitement. Assuming they are all your own stories, my rough draft would read something like:

What if God was made by a computer?

What if dead aliens didn't rest quietly?

From time traveling consciousness to electronic ghosts, this collection is a fascinating exploration of an endless universe. Dead Men Don't Cry contains ten short stories from award winning author Nancy Fulda.

48,000 words or about 211 pages


I'd flesh it out more, using the 3 tag lines I felt were strongest instead of my generic descriptions. I'd have a second and maybe third sentence before the word count. Having said that, I can't say what they'd be without knowing your voice, your audience, and more about the content of the stories.
 

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I like Vaguely Piratical's suggestions...

But one more thing. "Some of these stories are award winners. Others are more obscure,"  - To me, you are doing yourself a disservice here.  Instead of this message making your work seem great because you go awards, I find myself focussing on the fact that some of the stories did not win awards and are "obscure". That makes me feel a little unsure about those stories!

Rather just say - "This collection includes award winning stories, as well as some never before seen works" or something similar.  ;)
 

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mashadutoit said:
I like Vaguely Piratical's suggestions...
Thank you.

mashadutoit said:
But one more thing. "Some of these stories are award winners. Others are more obscure," - To me, you are doing yourself a disservice here. Instead of this message making your work seem great because you go awards, I find myself focussing on the fact that some of the stories did not win awards and are "obscure". That makes me feel a little unsure about those stories!

Rather just say - "This collection includes award winning stories, as well as some never before seen works" or something similar. ;)
If it were my call I'd keep the award winning focused on the author, not the stories. Better to build brand on the author's name than the individual story. If you wanted to bring attention obscure/award winning I'd do some thing like this A mixture of old favorites and new works, Dead Men Don't Cry contains ten short stories from award winning author Nancy Fulda.
 

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Vaguely Piratical said:
If it were my call I'd keep the award winning focused on the author, not the stories. Better to build brand on the author's name than the individual story. If you wanted to bring attention obscure/award winning I'd do some thing like this A mixture of old favorites and new works, Dead Men Don't Cry contains ten short stories from award winning author Nancy Fulda.
Good idea :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Excellent. This is very helpful!

Ok, I've taken a new stab at it. Is this any better?

In a style and spirit reminiscent of Orson Scott Card...

A desperate band of anti-terrorists risk their sanity to avert a catastrophe. A mother confronts her past to save her child from aliens. A sentient computer must choose between loyalty to humans and justice for her own kind.

From electronic ghosts to time-traveling consciousness, this collection is a fascinating exploration of an endless universe. Dead Men Don't Cry contains ten short stories from award winning author Nancy Fulda.

48,000 words or about 211 pages
 

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Nancy Fulda said:
Excellent. This is very helpful!

Ok, I've taken a new stab at it. Is this any better?

In a style and spirit reminiscent of Orson Scott Card...

A desperate band of anti-terrorists risk their sanity to avert a catastrophe. A mother confronts her past to save her child from aliens. A sentient computer must choose between loyalty to humans and justice for her own kind.

From electronic ghosts to time-traveling consciousness, this collection is a fascinating exploration of an endless universe. Dead Men Don't Cry contains ten short stories from award winning author Nancy Fulda.

48,000 words or about 211 pages
I like it a lot. One small suggestion, unless you can specifically attribute the Orson Scott Card comparison I'd drop it. My immediate response to the statement as a reader is "says who? the author?". It could throw the reader off unless it is a quote from another author or a reviewer. I'd also format it so each tag line has white space between it so they aren't all a clump.
 

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I concurr, i've read food recepies that were more spiffy :)

The comments from Vaguely Piratical are also good.

Also, one line with title and intriguing blurb is good; what i wouldhave done.

I agree that somethig has to be done to the sales text. Then once done, be patient, and sales will kick in.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thank you so much for the feedback everyone! Here's the version I'm going to take live.

A desperate band of anti-terrorists risk their sanity to avert a catastrophe.

A mother confronts her past to save her child from aliens.

A sentient computer must choose between loyalty to humans and justice for her own kind.


From electronic ghosts to minds that travel through time, this collection is a fascinating exploration of an endless universe. Dead Men Don't Cry contains ten short stories from award winning author Nancy Fulda.

48,000 words or about 211 pages
 
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