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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hey, everyone.

I'm just looking for some blurb help and trying to figure out some "why's". I just released two books in the same series at once and did a freebooksy.com promotion that brought in roughly 1900 downloads, but I have had only about 5 buy-throughs for book 2. Any assistance/advice would be helpful.

Below will be my new blurb to replace my old one. The name of the series is Struck from the Heavens.
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The mainland of Ovenal has been torn apart by two opposing crime organizations-the Armorer to the west and the Imprecator to the east. With the Imprecator and his men vying for western expansion, drastic changes must be enforced. He sends the mainland's most vicious assassins, Desenius Dylandonai and Soltar Ulanus, to strike the small town of Saluma.

For years, these two trained killers have brutally decimated dozens of cities, however, with the raid on Saluma, something goes terribly wrong. Desenius is shot through the chest by a crossbow quarrel, slain by his long-time friend and co-assassin, Soltar, all while the villagers witness the betrayal. Just as the world goes dark, Desenius can think of nothing else but how to repay Soltar and get his revenge.

Fate, as it seems, must also have revenge in mind, as Desenius awakens on a burning pyre completely unscathed. New flesh has appeared where burns used to be, and there is an intense grinding sensation in his gut-something that he's never felt before until after his resurrection. Unsure of what has happened to him, Desenius must discover who he is if he ever wants to hunt down and put his killer and betrayer to rest.
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Burned by the Soul Book 1
http://www.amazon.com/Burned-Soul-Struck-Heavens-Book-ebook/dp/B00TQJ1WOE/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1426518604&sr=1-1

Eyes of the Assassins Book 2
http://www.amazon.com/Eyes-Assassins-Struck-Heavens-Book-ebook/dp/B00TQJ1WEO/ref=sr_1_2?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1426518421&sr=1-2
 

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Your blurb looks good.  How long ago did you do the promotion?    If it was in the last few days, give readers time to read your book.
Here is the thing, if I found your book organically,  the approximate read date would be July 23, 2018.    Some readers that pick up free books have huge TBRs.  (To be read).   
Now since I found you here, you might get sampled sooner. 
I hope this helps.
 

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William_Stadler said:
The mainland of Ovenal has been torn apart by two opposing crime organizations--the Armorer to the west and the Imprecator to the east. With the Imprecator and his men vying for western expansion, drastic changes must be enforced. He sends the mainland's most vicious assassins, Desenius Dylandonai and Soltar Ulanus, to strike the small town of Saluma.

For years, these two trained killers have brutally decimated dozens of cities, however, with the raid on Saluma, something goes terribly wrong. Desenius is shot through the chest by a crossbow quarrel, slain by his long-time friend and co-assassin, Soltar, all while the villagers witness the betrayal. Just as the world goes dark, Desenius can think of nothing else but how to repay Soltar and get his revenge.

Fate, as it seems, must also have revenge in mind, as Desenius awakens on a burning pyre completely unscathed. New flesh has appeared where burns used to be, and there is an intense grinding sensation in his gut--something that he's never felt before until after his resurrection. Unsure of what has happened to him, Desenius must discover who he is if he ever wants to hunt down and put his killer and betrayer to rest.
This is a tough one. It appears to be mostly okay, but that's all it is. An okay blurb. It appears that you have read other blurb help posts and blogs and followed a formula to "not get it wrong". There is nothing wrong with this because the worst a good blurb can do is nothing, but a bad blurb can lose you sales. This isn't a bad blurb.

I can only point out a few issues and they are minor by themselves, but together they start to add up. It will be up to you to decide if they are enough to do anything about.

First off is the beginning paragraph. You have a lot of nouns/names and is an info dump. It's leaning towards the overwhelming. Mainland, Ovenal, Armorer, Imprecator, Western expansion, Desenius Dylandonai, Soltar Ulanus, Saluma. This is a lot to keep track of when the rest of the blurb is just about Desenius.

Second paragraph, you drop back into more back story with the first sentence. The blurb isn't the place for backstory, your starting to make it into a prologue. The blurb's job is get the customer who already clicked once on your book because of the cover/title/price to then click the buy now button. Next are your use of "thing" words. You have both something and nothing in this paragraph. Get rid of them and reword the sentence. "Things" are vague and in general a weak choice of words outside of dialogue. Something goes wrong? Then you tell us what went wrong? Just tell us what goes wrong. Can think of nothing else? His buddy just killed him and all he can think of is revenge? There's not even a little bit of a maybe why he did it in there? The use of Nothing here makes Desenius seem like a pretty flat character.

The last paragraph is pretty good. I would get rid of the "thing" word. It would be easy. Get rid of Something and move the word Sensaition to its place. "...an intense grinding in his gut--a sensation that he's"
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
This is excellent feedback! @Cinisiajoy, thanks. The free ad ran about 2 weeks ago, so I think I just need to be patient, as you mentioned.

@SBJones, thanks for your help as well. I've implemented the changes you suggested, virtually all of them, reducing the first paragraph into something more manageable. And I got rid of the passive voice in the first line. "Things" have been removed, and some deeper characterization has been included. I appreciate your help.
 

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William_Stadler said:
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The mainland of Ovenal has been torn apart by two opposing crime organizations--the Armorer to the west and the Imprecator to the east. With the Imprecator and his men vying for western expansion, drastic changes must be enforced. He sends the mainland's most vicious assassins, Desenius Dylandonai and Soltar Ulanus, to strike the small town of Saluma.

For years, these two trained killers have brutally decimated dozens of cities, however, with the raid on Saluma, something goes terribly wrong. Desenius is shot through the chest by a crossbow quarrel, slain by his long-time friend and co-assassin, Soltar, all while the villagers witness the betrayal. Just as the world goes dark, Desenius can think of nothing else but how to repay Soltar and get his revenge.

Fate, as it seems, must also have revenge in mind, as Desenius awakens on a burning pyre completely unscathed. New flesh has appeared where burns used to be, and there is an intense grinding sensation in his gut--something that he's never felt before until after his resurrection. Unsure of what has happened to him, Desenius must discover who he is if he ever wants to hunt down and put his killer and betrayer to rest.
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I feel there's too much backstory and too much unimportant detail. Most of the first paragraph is unnecessary.

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Desenius and his long-time friend and co-assassin, Soltar are sent on a mission to strike the small town of Saluma. The two trained killers have brutally decimated dozens of cities, so Desenius does not expect anything to go wrong. However, he his betrayed by Soltar who shots him through the chest with a crossbow quarrel. He dies before hundreds of witnesses.

But not for long. Desenius awakens on a burning pyre completely unscathed. Unsure of what has happened to him, Desenius must discover who he is if he ever wants to hunt down and put his killer and betrayer to rest.
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I tried to cut back on what seemed unimportant in the rewrite above. I would expand it a bit more with details about the relationship between Soltar and Desenius (add back in the stuff about revenge) and maybe have a bit about Desenius's discovery of himself--is there a suggestion he'll redeem himself, that he's no longer as bloodthirsty?
 
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