[Fahid]

I'm wondering if my blurb is too long for The Dark Prince and if I should decide to shorten it and change it?

Original blurb:

Long ago, the battle between good and evil was waged when the Champion of Lasgale, AlaStar the Great, sacrificed his own life to end the reign of the evil Dark Prince. Little did AlaStar know that his half-sister - the witch Lady Alinna - would one day return in the land to find that the love of her life, the Dark Prince survived.

Decades later, the Kingdom of Lasgale finds a new peace, when a dashing Knight, Alex helps end a rebellion once and for all. With the help of his mentor, Alex must find a way to control his unnatural abilities before he is subdued by a darkness within him.

Follow Alyaan, a troubled King who killed his own wife to save the world after banning magic forever; Saeera, a Knight who wishes to find her long lost mother and cheats on her one true love; Abakus, mentor to Alex who knows a terrible secret of Alex's forgotten past; Luwin, a bitter high-ranking Knight who must live with the burns on his face; Rayana, the sleepless Princess who wishes to discover the truth behind her mother's death; and Nal, the Devlet of Lasgale who's hidden crime could bring an end to the world itself. As celebrations begin for the crowning of a new Champion in Lasgale, an invisible creature in the North appears; consuming everyone in its path.

I was wondering if one could say something in the lines of "if you love Game of Thrones or (insert book here), you'll love the Fountains of Fire & Darkness series" ?

 

[Guest]

Too unfocused I think. Maybe focus more on one or two characters (Alex and whoever else) and the main conflicts they face.

 

[Fahid]

Just wanted to mention it is POV based, but I get what is meant by too unfocused.

 

[ElHawk]

It's not necessarily too long, but it is very disjointed and has way to many names in it. Your best bet for an effective blurb is to figure out who is the most important character and stick to his storyline. Fantasy usually has several important characters, but who is the most important? If you can't determine who's most important, whose actions are the most influential on everybody else? (For example, Ned Stark's actions are the most influential in A Game of Thrones, even though all the POV characters are equally important.)

Take your most important character and ask yourself three simple questions about him. 1) What does he want? 2) What stands in the way of achieving his goal? 3) What is at stake if he fails? Write one or two very simple sentences answering those three questions. (Alex, the hero of a recent war, [wants to do ___, but he] must learn to control his magical abilities before he is overcome by the darkness within him. You have there most important character, what he wants, what's at stake.)

Once you have that core sentence, you can branch out a bit by adding some information about the rest of your world, one sentence at a time. Who is Alex's antagonist? What is this world like? What kind of adventures will Alex and the others face as they struggle against the antagonist?

Always try to keep proper nouns to a minimum, as they can overwhelm a browsing reader.

Hope that helps!

 

[Lummox JR]

To be honest the whole thing is rather a mess. The problem isn't that it's too long; major portions simply don't work at all. The backstory in the beginning needs trimming down or should be omitted altogether. The paragraph about Alex is vague and confusing, but sounds like it's at the heart of the story you're trying to tell, so that should be reworked.

The paragraph that begins with "Follow" should not. It's practically inviting the reader not to get immersed in the story, by reminding them up front they're just a reader. I will say the laundry list of characters in the second blurb is much better than in the first. It would be better to list these characters in relation to what they bring to bear on the story though, rather than just saying the reader will follow them. What Libbie said about focusing on one of the characters and keeping the names to a minimum is right on the money.

If you're going for a Game of Thrones style, I'd recommend studying that blurb. Look at what it's doing at each point along the way, whether it's establishing setting or a specific character or the overall plot arc. Which aspects of the book does the blurb leave out? Which storylines and characters get the most attention?

I was wondering if one could say something in the lines of "if you love Game of Thrones or (insert book here), you'll love the Fountains of Fire & Darkness series" ?

Absolutely not. It's unprofessional to say about your own work, and will turn readers away.

This is the kind of thing a glowing review might say about your book instead. Readers will take this more seriously if it comes from a source they trust. Publishers sometimes like to use quotes like this from established reviewers because they're pithy and can grab attention, but it can backfire horribly by setting expectations impossibly high, or worse, deceiving the reader outright with a comparison that just isn't apt. I've been burned by similar declarations before. Let the story stand for itself; drawing comparisons to an extremely popular series or author can do nothing but hurt you.

 

[Fahid]

Thanks!