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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Oh ye wonderful members of this most august forum,

I am currently noodling around with the blurb for my first self-published story. It's a shorty--around 7,000 words--and I'm not sure if this blurb does the trick?

No one can escape death-not even Aronwen Earthkeeper, last mage of the Seven Lands. Returning to the humble vale in which he was born a thousand years ago, Aronwen wants nothing more than a soft bed and a warm fire to pass his final days. The gods, however, have other plans.

Davan Barrakson is a boy on the cusp of manhood. Trapped between his father's temper and the desire to prove himself, life has become a cage-until he meets a dying old man. What he discovers about himself will change his destiny, and perhaps the world's, forever.


Thoughts?

I'm not super thrilled with this, so I really am open to suggestions.
 

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Actually, I like it. I'm not a fan of desciptions that give too much away. For me, this just intrigued me and that's what a blurb should do.
 

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Still have not opened it to read it (this weekend I suspect I'll get to it), but I do like the blurb as it stands. It gives me two characters, and enough about them to make me wonder what they'll have to do with each other.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
jljarvis said:
I like the bones of it. I would like to see you fine tune your word choices to make them more specific and ideal for their context.

  • Are you in love with "humble vale"?
  • Could the old man do something a little more evocative than "pass" his final days?
  • "Life has become a cage" really just restates the idea that he's trapped, which you've just finished saying. Could you heighten the emotion here by vividly painting an image of a boy of that age who's about to explode with emotions and raging need to take some course of action to establish his independence?
  • The last sentence says the right stuff, but it's just not quite flowing (for me). For one thing, "world's, forever" could be stronger.

Food for thought (or the disposal). ;)
Thanks. This is good food! I had the same reaction with trapped and cage as well. I'm going to ruminate on this. If anyone has more reactions/feedback, I'm still open to them.
 

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Keith,
it seems mostly okay to me, stronger than a lot of others I see. I would rework the final sentence, however. As worded, it sounds like the world's destiny is going to change; not sure worlds can have destinies.


  Davan Barrakson is a boy on the cusp of manhood. Trapped between his father’s temper and the desire to prove himself, life has become a cage—until he meets a dying old man. What he discovers about himself will change his destiny.

Acutally, now that I look at it again, it's still not right. As is, it sounds like the young man is aware he has a great destiny, which is kind of conceited. How about this instead:

Davan Barrakson is a boy on the cusp of manhood. Trapped between his father’s temper and the desire to prove himself, life has become a cage—until he meets a dying old man. What he discovers about himself will change his world and shatter his beliefs.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
  William,

    Thanks for that feedback. I'm going to take your suggestions under consideration!

  This has been very helpful. I'm still taking thoughts if anyone has them!

  Keith
 
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