Blurbity blurb

668 Views 12 Replies 5 Participants Last post by Marina Finlayson, Mar 29, 2015

melbatron

Discussion Starter · Mar 28, 2015

Hello, you lovelies all helped me immensely with my last blurb! I have a new book I'm getting pieced together, it's with the beta readers now and I thought I'd work up the blurb while they had it. Here it is:

"For as long as she can remember, Alexa has known about the faeries.

Her grandmother told her stories, and the faeries made for fickle playmates when she was a child. As she grew up, though, their fickle nature turned darker. When they hurt her father, Alexa became more cautious. Then they hurt her.

Now Alexa avoids the faeries. When they began to show an interest in people around her, Alexa learned to avoid having friends as well. Dinah is the only friend Alexa has hesitantly allowed herself to have, and only because the faeries have already shown an interest in her.

All of Alexa’s worst nightmares come true on a cold winter morning when she discovers a changeling sleeping in Dinah’s bed.

Alexa knows where her friend has been taken.

She knows she’s the only one who can go into Faerie and get Dinah back."

Thank you in advance for the assistance!!

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SBJones

· #2 · Mar 28, 2015

Seems pretty decent. The third paragraph might need some work. I had to read it a couple of times as the flow is a bit awkward compared to the rest.

Now Alexa avoids the faeries. When they began to show an interest in people around her, Alexa learned to avoid having friends as well. Dinah is the only friend Alexa has hesitantly allowed herself to have, and only because the faeries have already shown an interest in her.

This paragraph makes a statement, then follows up by saying it isn't true. My recommendation would be to go back to the hurt part and use that as to why she only has one friend instead of saying she has none, but really she does have them. Combine the avoid faeries part and avoid friends part somehow? That would also get rid of the repeating word of "avoid" Same with the word "show/shown".

Just some minor touch ups and I think you have a decent blurb.

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Sever Bronny

· #3 · Mar 28, 2015

melbatron said:
For as long as she can remember, Alexa has known about the faeries.

Her grandmother told her stories, and the faeries made for fickle playmates when she was a child. As she grew up, though, their fickle nature turned darker. When they hurt her father, Alexa became more cautious. Then they hurt her.

Now Alexa avoids the faeries. When they began to show an interest in people around her, Alexa learned to avoid having friends as well. Dinah is the only friend Alexa has hesitantly allowed herself to have, and only because the faeries have already shown an interest in her.

All of Alexa's worst nightmares come true on a cold winter morning when she discovers a changeling sleeping in Dinah's bed.

Alexa knows where her friend has been taken.

She knows she's the only one who can go into Faerie and get Dinah back."

I'll have a stab at 'er. See if something inspires you, but feel completely free to ignore:

Alexa played with faeries since she was a child. When they hurt her father, she became cautious. When they hurt her, she avoided them as best she could. When they began showing an interest in her friends, she was forced to become friendless.

Except Dinah. Dinah she wouldn't give up.

That is, until Dinah goes missing ... and Alexa must face her greatest fears.

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melbatron

Discussion Starter · #4 · Mar 28, 2015

Thank you for the suggestions! I know about magic 3s and was a bit worried about 5 paragraphs -- thought 5s are second best to 3s. Still, a little tidier, a little shorter -- yes, I will let this melt in my brain a day or two and rework it. It always helps to get someone who's not in my head to look things over!

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SBJones

· #5 · Mar 28, 2015

The job of the blurb is to get customers to click the buy now button after the cover has already gotten them to commit one click to your book. While there is nothing wrong with a five paragraph blurb, Amazon likes tight clean landing pages. The default space for your blurb is limited, not by word count, but by number of lines. If you have five paragraphs and four blank line breaks in-between, your blurb will get truncated. A customer will now have to click an additional link to view the whole blurb. Anytime you have an extra click between the buy now button you will lose customers.

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melbatron

Discussion Starter · #6 · Mar 28, 2015

That is very good to know, thank you!

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melbatron

Discussion Starter · #7 · Mar 28, 2015

Newer version:

For as long as she can remember, Alexa has known about the faeries.

Her grandmother told her stories, and the faeries made for fickle playmates when she was a child. As she grew up, though, their fickle nature turned darker. When they hurt her father, Alexa became cautious. When they hurt her, she tried her best to push them out of her life. When they took an interest in the people around her, Alexa cut herself off from as many people as possible. Dinah is the only friend Alexa can't bring herself to give up.

On the morning that Dinah disappears, all of Alexa's worst nightmares come true. Now she has to face everything she's built her life to avoid. Because Alexa knows who took her friend. And she knows that she is the only one who can get Dinah back.

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SBJones

· #8 · Mar 28, 2015

Looks pretty decent. Without seeing a cover and the title, I don't have any more to offer. You introduce us to your character, the conflict and with each sentence you ratchet up the tension.

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Marina Finlayson

· #9 · Mar 28, 2015

This sounds like just the kind of book I like to read! The blurb is pretty good, but I liked the references to "Faerie" and the changeling in the first version, because it added to the sense of magic. So I've thrown a couple of references to Faerie back in and tightened a couple of spots. See what you think:

For as long as she can remember, Alexa has known about the faeries.

Her grandmother told her stories, and the faeries made for fickle playmates when she was a child. As she grew up, though, their fickle nature turned darker. When they hurt her father, Alexa became cautious. When they hurt her, she turned her back on the world of Faerie. But when they took an interest in the people around her, Alexa cut herself off from everyone but Dinah, the one friend she couldn't bear to give up.

On the morning that Dinah disappears, all of Alexa's worst nightmares come true. Now she has to face everything she's spent her life running from. Because Alexa knows who took her friend. And she knows that she is the only one who can brave the twisting paths of Faerie to save Dinah.

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TromboneAl

· #10 · Mar 29, 2015

Can you put a stronger hook at the start (and use bolding in your Amazon description)?

When the faeries hurt her father, Alexa knew there was trouble ahead.

For as long as she can remember, she has known about the faeries. Her grandmother told her stories, and the faeries made for fickle playmates when she was a child. As she grew up, though, their fickle nature turned darker. They hurt her father and then they hurt her. She tried her best to push them out of her life ...

-------------------

Or

It was all fun and games until the faeries hurt Alexa's father.

Also, are you giving away too much by saying they took Dinah away?

HTH

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melbatron

Discussion Starter · #11 · Mar 29, 2015

Okay, title: "A Dark and Twisting Road"

Premise: Everything in the blurb simply sets the story up. It's the first 40 pages of a 300 page book. We meet Alexa, we learn that Alexa is plagued by faeries and why she's nervous of them, we meet Dinah and learn why Alexa feels guilty about being friends with Dinah, and then Dinah gets taken. The rest of the book is Alexa's journey, the creatures she meets, the crap in her own head she has to face, and a showdown with a nasty pair of Red Queen/White Queen faeries to get Dinah safely home again. Dinah's kidnapping starts the whole story off.

Erm. Crap. Let me see if I can figure out how to post the cover proof.

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melbatron

Discussion Starter · #12 · Mar 29, 2015

Wow. I'm an idiot. Sure can't figure out how to insert an image. I've tried a couple things, and my posts come up blank. I suck at computers. If they don't hold my hand, I can't do it.

Anyhow, I like the idea of a stronger hook for sure, and yes, I like the idea of leaving in the magical references in the end of the blurb.

Marina, I'm glad you think it sounds like a book you'd like! That means I must be doing something right with this blurb, anyway! I'll ding with it a bit more.

Thanks for the help, everyone!

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Marina Finlayson

· #13 · Mar 29, 2015

There was a thread the other day about how to add images to posts. I bookmarked it because I have no idea how to do it either! It's here:

http://www.kboards.com/index.php/topic,211306.0.html

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