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Which blurb is better?

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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi guys,

As mentioned in my previous thread. I'm putting up my book blurb for critique and guidance. I've done two versions. So, here goes nothing!

1:

"I remember this place... I remember it well. From the graffiti ridden walls, to the disgusting sewer-like smell you catch a strong whiff of as the wind blows. How could I forget? This is where it all started."

Nathan is a poor, young, intelligent black boy who has been accepted into a prestigious school to try and better his future. He finds an unlikely friendship with Jack. A rich, young, intelligent white boy going to the same school. Nathan wants to better his life for him and his parents but is overwhelmed with obstacles due to poverty. Nathan finds himself having to make choices no young kid should even have to contemplate due to his financial struggles. But will these decisions lead to grave consequences? Follow Nathan on his journey of friendship, love, peace and war to see the decisions he makes which shape his whole future. For better or for worse.

Upon looking at other blurbs, I'm starting to feel that mine may be a little short/vague. It's hard as I don't want to give too much away as I have a few twists and turns in the storyline but I'm not sure if what I've got so far is enough to hook a potential reader.

2:

"I remember this place... I remember it well. From the graffiti ridden walls to the disgusting sewer-like smell you catch a strong whiff of as the wind blows. How could I forget? This is where it all started."

Nathan is a poor, young, intelligent black boy who has been accepted into a prestigious school to try and better his future. He finds an unlikely friendship with Jack. A rich, young, intelligent white boy going to the same school. Nathan wants to better his life for him and his parents but is overwhelmed with obstacles due to poverty. Nathan finds himself having to make choices no young kid should even have to contemplate due to his financial struggles when he realises his mom and dad are behind on their mortgage payments due to his school fees. But will these decisions lead to grave consequences? Nathan has two idols in his life. Jack's dad, James. Who is a wealthy, self-made business owner. And Money Mike, a local hot shot drug dealer. Both very rich and powerful, via very different means. Can Nathan take the long, hard, straight and narrow path to success? Or will his desperation to help his parents take him down the dark, fast lane of becoming a local street gangster. Follow him on his journey of friendship, love, peace and war to see the decisions he makes which shape his whole future. For better or for worse.

This is a bit more in-depth, however I'm not sure if this is too long and giving away too much. I've done a poll to see which one you guys prefer. Any additional feedback, advice appreciated. Positive or negative. Thanks
 

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Both have too much secondary detail that is best discovered in the telling of the story and in a few places it's too wordy. Simplify it.

I like the opening quote from the MC, that draws me in. I don't need to know about his friend only the conflict he finds himself struggling with to be resolved and the stakes in doing so without giving the end away.

Here's a suggestion, but keep the quote.

Nathan, an intelligent black kid from a poor neighborhood where violence rules Through grit and determination to escape the Hood,  he gains a scholarship to to prestigious school. In a world of privalege he finds it hard to fit in with the prejudice he faces and not just for his skin tone, save for one friend.

Faced with the hardship of poverty as it is to compete with other students, he discovers his parents are about to have their house repossessed. He knows what he might have to do to save the home of his parents who have supported him in his endeavors, but it could destroy his entire future.

His hopes and dreams are on the line, but what will he do? The decision is his alone to make.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Decon said:
Both have too much secondary detail that is best discovered in the telling of the story and in a few places it's too wordy. Simplify it.

I like the opening quote from the MC, that draws me in. I don't need to know about his friend only the conflict he finds himself struggling with to be resolved and the stakes in doing so without giving the end away.

Here's a suggestion, but keep the quote.

Nathan, an intelligent black kid from a poor neighborhood where violence rules Through grit and determination to escape the Hood, he gains a scholarship to to prestigious school. In a world of privalege he finds it hard to fit in with the prejudice he faces and not just for his skin tone, save for one friend.

Faced with the hardship of poverty as it is to compete with other students, he discovers his parents are about to have their house repossessed. He knows what he might have to do to save the home of his parents who have supported him in his endeavors, but it could destroy his entire future.

His hopes and dreams are on the line, but what will he do? The decision is his alone to make.
Thanks for your feedback. Yeah, I was worried I was giving too much away, although I wasn't sure if the first blurb was too short. OK, I'll definitely keep the opening quote as I personally liked that touch also. Thanks for your suggestion, I like it! May I just ask you to clarify one part as I'm not sure if it's a typo "not just for his skin tone, save one friend." Can you just clear that part up for me please? I'll try a revised version and try mix in your suggestion, see how that works out.
 
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