Kindle Forum banner

1 - 20 of 44 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
16,323 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Here is the blurb from Laying the Odds, a fantasy co-authroed with C. R. Daems, I am having a terrible time with promotions for it flopping, unlike my historical novels. I'm wondering if the problem is the blurb. Any suggestions? Thanks.

Blurb:

Wrai is not amongst the rich and the influential of the dukedoms and magick is something he means to avoid. He earns his living in taverns and gambling dens; secrecy is his protection, gambling his livelihood. He plays to win, even when it means weighting the die.

But some risks are too good to refuse, especially when they give him the chance to repay the father who rejected him and to protect the daughter he means never to fail. So, resolved to earn the marks he needs for his fortune, Wrai joins forces with a mage, never suspecting that the stolen pendant he has claimed as his "inheritance" contains a powerful magick, a magick dangerous enough to destroy the very things he is determined to protect.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
995 Posts
If it helps, here's what I took from the blurb:

There's a guy who's a bit of a jerk and has some emotional problems.  He makes a friend and probably does some stuff.

Maybe clarify the second half?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,433 Posts
I found this quite tough to read - there are so many ideas in each sentence! :)

There are also quite a few confusing bits -for example, right at the beginning I though "Wrai" was a place ("not amongst the rich and the influential of the dukedoms") ;)

How about something like this:

Wrai has no use for magick. Gambling is his living and secrecy his protection. He plays to win, even when it means weighting the die. But some risks are worth taking, as he discovers when he is offered the chance to regain the girl he lost. Resolved to earn his fortune, Wrai joins forces with a mage, and runs the risk of destroying the very thing he is determined to protect.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
20,391 Posts
okay, my problems are with "means to avoid"  and "risks are too good to refuse".  Also, I don't get the connection between the two clauses of the first sentence.  What does not being rich have to do with avoiding magick?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
489 Posts
scarlet said:
Also, I don't get the connection between the two clauses of the first sentence. What does not being rich have to do with avoiding magick?
This is actually exactly what I thought too. I had to pause after reading that sentence to see if there was something I missed.
I like mashadutoit's revised version.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16,323 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
scarlet said:
okay, my problems are with "means to avoid" and "risks are too good to refuse". Also, I don't get the connection between the two clauses of the first sentence. What does not being rich have to do with avoiding magick?
I'm not quite sure what you mean by your problems with "means to avoid" and "risks are too good to refuse". Could you explain what your problem is with them? Not understanding what they mean? Not liking the phrases? Thanks.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16,323 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
PMartelly said:
This is actually exactly what I thought too. I had to pause after reading that sentence to see if there was something I missed.
I like mashadutoit's revised version.
It doesn't quite work for me although I appreciate her suggestion. That's simply not my writing style. :)

The two points (being poor and not wanting to have anything to do with magic) are not particularly related. You're both right about that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
20,391 Posts
JRTomlin said:
I'm not quite sure what you mean by your problems with "means to avoid" and "risks are too good to refuse". Could you explain what your problem is with them? Not understanding what they mean? Not liking the phrases? Thanks.
I don't know what "means to avoid" means. "Tries to avoid"? "Wants to avoid"?

And "risks too good to avoid" reads oddly to me also. How are risks good?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
489 Posts
JRTomlin said:
It doesn't quite work for me although I appreciate her suggestion. That's simply not my writing style, a bit YA. :)

The two points (being poor and not wanting to have anything to do with magic) are not particularly related. You're both right about that.
To each his own, my friend, to each his own. :] I did forget to mention that I also thought Wrai was a place as well.
Anyhoo, good luck with the blurb! Blurbs always seem to be the hardest to write because you're condensing a complex and full length novel into a paragraph. -____- lol
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16,323 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
scarlet said:
I don't know what "means to avoid" means. "Tries to avoid"? "Wants to avoid"?

And "risks too good to avoid" reads oddly to me also. How are risks good?
Risks are theoretically part of how he earns a living since I said he is a gambler, except I also said he cheats.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16,323 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 ·
PMartelly said:
To each his own, my friend, to each his own. :] I did forget to mention that I also thought Wrai was a place as well.
Anyhoo, good luck with the blurb! Blurbs always seem to be the hardest to write because you're condensing a complex and full length novel into a paragraph. -____- lol
No offense intended. It just doesn't work for my writing style. :)

I appreciate the suggestion though.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16,323 Posts
Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Monique said:
I think she means... The rewards that taking risks can lead to are good, but not the risks themselves.

I've posted this before, but it's worth repeating:

http://mcquestionablemusings.blogspot.com/2011/01/my-method-for-writing-book-description.html
I agree with a number of points in your blog post such as starting with the character and his "ordinary life" as I did in this blurb and then going to the point when life flies off in a new direction. However, this blurb just doesn't seem to be working for me. I think some of the points are well taken that some of the phrases aren't making my meaning clear. :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
489 Posts
JRTomlin said:
No offense intended. It just doesn't work for my writing style. :)

I appreciate the suggestion though.
I certainly didn't take offense, so no worries! Different strokes for different folks (yes, I'm on a "sayings" kick today lol).
I'm inclined to agree with Scarlet too, though. The "means to avoid" does read a bit weird, as did "risks are too good to avoid". The avoid is a bit repetitive, and the "means to avoid" is ambiguous. And something about reading the phrases a loud interrupts the flow.

JRTomlin said:
Wrai is not amongst the rich and the influential of the dukedoms and magick is something he means to avoid. He earns his living in taverns and gambling dens; secrecy is his protection, gambling his livelihood. He plays to win, even when it means weighting the die.

But some risks are too good to refuse, especially when they give him the chance to repay the father who rejected him and to protect the daughter he means never to fail. So, resolved to earn the marks he needs for his fortune, Wrai joins forces with a mage, never suspecting that the stolen pendant he has claimed as his "inheritance" contains a powerful magick, a magick dangerous enough to destroy the very things he is determined to protect.
When you say "especially when they give him a chance to repay the father..." who is this "they"? Also, when you talk about the MC joining forces with the mage, you also talk about this pendant. I'm confused as to how this ties in with the Mage. Are the two connected? Does this hinder them in their journey? I think that sentence probably just needs to be edited for clarity. Also, i'm confused about the "determined to earn his marks to get his fortune part". Later it says he stole his fortune... maybe I'm just not reading this correctly? But I feel like if I'm confused, your readers will be too.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16,323 Posts
Discussion Starter · #16 ·
PMartelly said:
I certainly didn't take offense, so no worries! Different strokes for different folks (yes, I'm on a "sayings" kick today lol).
I'm inclined to agree with Scarlet too, though. The "means to avoid" does read a bit weird, as did "risks are too good to avoid". The avoid is a bit repetitive, and the "means to avoid" is ambiguous. And something about reading the phrases a loud interrupts the flow.

When you say "especially when they give him a chance to repay the father..." who is this "they"? Also, when you talk about the MC joining forces with the mage, you also talk about this pendant. I'm confused as to how this ties in with the Mage. Are the two connected? Does this hinder them in their journey? I think that sentence probably just needs to be edited for clarity. Also, i'm confused about the "determined to earn his marks to get his fortune part". Later it says he stole his fortune... maybe I'm just not reading this correctly? But I feel like if I'm confused, your readers will be too.
They refers back to risks. The risks give him, the chance to repay his father. The pendant is the fortune. I suspect you're right that if it confuses you guys it is confusing my readers:

Wrai is not amongst the rich and the influential of the dukedoms. He earns his living in taverns and gambling dens; secrecy is his protection, gambling his livelihood. He plays to win, even when it means weighting the die.

But one night he takes a terrible risk to reclaim what should belong to him, a chance that let him repay the father who rejected him and protect the daughter who means everything to him. So, resolved to earn the marks he needs for his fortune, Wrai joins forces with a mage, never suspecting that the pendant he has stolen from his father as his "inheritance" contains a powerful magick, a magick dangerous enough to destroy the very things he is determined to protect.


Does that work any better?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,307 Posts
Better.
Wrai is not amongst the rich and the influential of the dukedoms. He earns his living in taverns and gambling dens; secrecy is his protection, gambling his livelihood. He plays to win, even when it means weighting the die.

But one night he takes a terrible risk to reclaim what should belong to him, a chance that let him repay the father who rejected him and protect the daughter who means everything to him.
This is better. One question - "a chance that let him repay". Should that be "will let" or "might let"?

So, resolved to earn the marks he needs for his fortune, Wrai joins forces with a mage, never suspecting that the pendant he has stolen from his father as his "inheritance" contains a powerful magick, a magick dangerous enough to destroy the very things he is determined to protect.
This part still doesn't work/make sense to me. What are "marks?" What do the pendant and the mage have to do with each other? How is stealing from his father paying him back? Oh, I read paying back literally - like paying a debt owed, not as revenge. Hmm...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16,323 Posts
Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Monique said:
Better.
This is better. One question - "a chance that let him repay". Should that be "will let" or "might let"?

This part still doesn't work/make sense to me. What are "marks?" What do the pendant and the mage have to do with each other? How is stealing from his father paying him back? Oh, I read paying back literally - like paying a debt owed, not as revenge. Hmm...
Yes, he wants revenge against his nasty father. Hmmm... I think that sentence would be better "a chance that will repay..." I suppose I could say "will give him revenge upon the father..." That seems blunter than I like, but I could live with it. :)

Marks are coins. The Pendant has magick in it which is where the mage comes in. He is going buy it but recognizes it as stolen and blackmails Wrai into stealing other magical objects for him for a good price.

Edit: I thought most people knew Marks were coins. I could take that out and just say "make his fortune". Marks and pfennig are referred to through out as the form of currency.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16,323 Posts
Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Thanks for the help everyone. :)

How about this?

Wrai is not amongst the rich and the influential of the dukedoms. He earns his living in taverns and gambling dens; secrecy is his protection, gambling his livelihood. He plays to win, even when it means weighting the die.

But one night he takes a terrible risk to reclaim what should belong to him, a chance that will let him repay the father who rejected him and protect the daughter who means everything to him. Resolved to earn his fortune, Wrai sells the pendant he has stolen from his father as his "inheritance" to a passing mage, never realizing it contains a magick dangerous enough to destroy the very things he is determined to protect.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
20,391 Posts
okay, three minor quibbles...
1) "gambling dens...." "..gambling is his livliehood."  Can you change one of the gamblings to something else?
2) Die?  Singular?  That sounds odd to me.
3) "magick dangerous enough.."  perhaps "powerful enough"?

 
1 - 20 of 44 Posts
Top