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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
A blurb for a mystery/adventure novel, all kinds of feedback are welcome  :)

What can you do when an unknown enemy is threatening you, your friend seems to be in league with them and the only person you can trust is yourself?

Amelia del Atore, 18 years old girl from an affluent Brazilian family is looking forward to graduate high school and take a trip to Europe, away from the battleground of her politician father. However, if you are a daughter of one of the major entrepreneurs and politicians in the country, quiet life is not for you. Before Amelia knows, she gets targeted by one of her father’s enemies.

Her entire world falls apart, even her family seems to be hiding something from her, and she doesn’t know anymore who is her friend and who is foe. To gain back the ground under her feet, she decides to break all bonds with her old life and start a brand new one.

However, the unresolved mystery continues haunting her no matter how far she runs. Assisted by her loyal friend, Amelia starts her own investigation leading to shocking revelations.
 

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What can you do when an unknown enemy is threatening you, your friend seems to be in league with them, and the only person you can trust is yourself?

Amelia del Atore, an 18 year old girl from an affluent Brazilian family, is looking forward to graduating high school and taking a trip to Europe, away from the battleground of her politician father. However, if you are the daughter of one of the major entrepreneurs and politicians in the country, quiet life is not for you. Before Amelia knows what is happening, she is targeted by one of her father's enemies.

Her entire world falls apart. Even her family seems to be hiding something from her, and she doesn't know anymore who is her friend and who is her foe. To gain back the ground under her feet, she decides to break all bonds with her old life and start a brand new one.

However, the unresolved mystery continues haunting her no matter how far she runs. Assisted by a loyal friend, Amelia starts her own investigation, leading to shocking revelations.
 

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It feels like a lot of time passes between the betrayal and the investigation, so the loyal friend at the end is likely someone new. But using names would definitely help to make that clearer. The switching from second pov to third pov is something I found annoying. Choose one and stick with it. It sounds like it could be an interesting story though. :)
 

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Sheridan_West said:
What can you do when an unknown enemy is threatening you, your friend seems to be in league with them and the only person you can trust is yourself?

... Assisted by her loyal friend, Amelia starts her own investigation leading to shocking revelations.
you completely pull your punches & destroy the suspense element

if the story is about a rich girl betrayed by her closest friends & family who is completely isolated & then suddenly it's about a girl with a "loyal friend" who isn't so isolated after all...

i don't know what this story is about or why it's supposed to be suspenseful

as a reader of psychologicals, the minute i think your book is about "amateur sleuth" i click away from your sales page

probably readers of 18yo girls solving crimes click away from psychological book sales pages

decide what your book is & write the blurb accordingly

you can't please everybody & this blurb pleases nobody in my humble opinion
 

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Blurb writing can be such a pain, can't it? Trying to distill the essence of the story without giving anything away and at the same time drawing in the readers ... it's a lot. This is a great first effort! I would tighten up the first part and add a bit more to the final paragraph, as the teaser line at top seems to be referring more to what's happening in that final paragraph rather than the previous two. Does that make sense? So it would look something more like this:

What can you do when an unknown enemy is threatening you, your friend seems to be in league with them and the only person you can trust is yourself?

18 year old Amelia del Atore is looking forward to graduating high school and taking a trip to Europe, away from the battleground of her politician father. However, if you are a daughter of one of the major entrepreneurs and politicians in Brazil, quiet life is not for you. Before Amelia knows what's happening, she is targeted by one of her father's enemies.

Her entire world falls apart, even her family seems to be hiding something from her, and she no longer knows who is friend and who is foe. To regain the ground under her feet, she breaks all bonds with her old life to start a brand new one.

However, the unresolved mystery continues haunting her no matter how far she runs. Deciding it is time to face her demons instead of continuing to hide, Amelia starts her own investigation. Assisted by the one friend whose loyalty she thinks she can rely on, she soon makes some shocking discoveries. Is anyone in her life who they say they are?
Obviously you don't have to write it exactly like this, but this will give you an idea of what I'm talking about. Good luck!
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Louise Bates said:
Blurb writing can be such a pain, can't it? Trying to distill the essence of the story without giving anything away and at the same time drawing in the readers ... it's a lot. This is a great first effort! I would tighten up the first part and add a bit more to the final paragraph, as the teaser line at top seems to be referring more to what's happening in that final paragraph rather than the previous two. Does that make sense? So it would look something more like this:

Obviously you don't have to write it exactly like this, but this will give you an idea of what I'm talking about. Good luck!
Yes, definitely! Thank you!
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
K'Sennia Visitor said:
It feels like a lot of time passes between the betrayal and the investigation, so the loyal friend at the end is likely someone new. But using names would definitely help to make that clearer. The switching from second pov to third pov is something I found annoying. Choose one and stick with it. It sounds like it could be an interesting story though. :)
Thank you, and it's a good point about POV!
 

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Sheridan_West said:
Here is a slim edit after removing the too numerous cliches.

Amelia del Atore is looking forward to graduation and dreams of taking a European vacation far away from her darkly ambitious father's political intrigue and the terrible secrets she uncovered about her affluent Brazilian family's heritage. Her dreams dissolve when she finds herself on the run after narrowly escaping capture, ransom, and torture by her father's enemies, betrayal by her siblings, and deceitful lies told by her mother.
From this despair she creates a new life on her own, but the unresolved family mystery lingers while unknown enemies continue threatening her no matter where she hides.
Amelia, assisted by a loyal new friend, resolves to risk returning home and uncovering the truth -- even if that truth proves to be a shockingly dangerous revelation.


.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
jvin248 said:
Here is a slim edit after removing the too numerous cliches.
Thank you, I see that I need to make it more clear.

Here is the second edit:

Many people would envy Amelia del Atore. The only child in an affluent Brazilian family, at the age of 18 years she has unlimited possibilities others can only dream about. However, all these perks come bundled with risks and life in the crosshair of the countless detractors.

After her father stands for election to the Chamber of Deputies of Brazil, stakes get even higher. Somebody who obviously doesn't want him to succeed attempts a series of attacks, one of which targets Amelia. Disturbed parents suggest her to leave to Europe, away from the danger, while Amelia begins to suspect that they are not being sincere with her regarding the events of the present as well as the past that cast a shadow to their family.

Confused and overwhelmed, she decides to break all bonds with her old life and start a brand new one in order to gain back the ground under her feet.

However, the unresolved mystery continues haunting her no matter how far she runs. In an attempt to find the answers with the help of her only trusted friend, Amelia stirs the hornet's nest.
 

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My earlier post, and this one, are not just c/p yours but edited within as I see it.

Many people would envy Amelia del Atore. The only child in an affluent Brazilian family, at the age of 18 years she has unlimited possibilities others can only dream about. However, all these perks come bundled with risks and life in the cross-hairs of the countless detractors.

After her father stands for election to the Chamber of Deputies of Brazil, the stakes get even higher. Somebody who obviously doesn't want him to succeed attempts a series of attacks, one of which targets Amelia. Disturbed parents suggest she leave for Europe, away from the danger, causing Amelia to suspect they are not being sincere with her regarding the events of the present as well as the past that cast a shadow on their family.

Confused and overwhelmed, she decides to break all bonds with her old life and start a brand new one in order to gain back the ground under her feet.

However, the unresolved mystery continues haunting her no matter how far she runs. In an attempt to find the answers, with the help of her only trusted friend, Amelia stirs the hornet's nest.
 

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Sheridan_West said:
Thank you, I see that I need to make it more clear.

Here is the second edit:

Many people would envy Amelia del Atore. The only child in an affluent Brazilian family, at the age of 18 years she has unlimited possibilities others can only dream about. However, all these perks come bundled with risks and life in the crosshair of the countless detractors.

After her father stands for election to the Chamber of Deputies of Brazil, stakes get even higher. Somebody who obviously doesn't want him to succeed attempts a series of attacks, one of which targets Amelia. Disturbed parents suggest her to leave to Europe, away from the danger, while Amelia begins to suspect that they are not being sincere with her regarding the events of the present as well as the past that cast a shadow to their family.

Confused and overwhelmed, she decides to break all bonds with her old life and start a brand new one in order to gain back the ground under her feet.

However, the unresolved mystery continues haunting her no matter how far she runs. In an attempt to find the answers with the help of her only trusted friend, Amelia stirs the hornet's nest.
You did a good job. Even great job. Now, try shortening sentences. That's very important. I know - silly, you might think - but apparently the readers these days (though I suspect it's always been that way) don't have the patience to read through compound sentences. Try FOG-index 6 - as in readable by 6th graders - and sentences no longer than 10-12 words. Then you will have a powerful blurb. Just sharing what cost me thousands of dollars to hear and learn.
 

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It seems the blurb has two inciting incidents: The attack on Amelia that makes her run away and eventually start a new life, and the mystery catching up with her in her new life.

Maybe consider dropping the last one, so it would be her going to Europe, but no matter how far she runs... family is lying etc. And leave out the part about her starting a new life
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
edipet said:
You did a good job. Even great job. Now, try shortening sentences. That's very important. I know - silly, you might think - but apparently the readers these days (though I suspect it's always been that way) don't have the patience to read through compound sentences. Try FOG-index 6 - as in readable by 6th graders - and sentences no longer than 10-12 words. Then you will have a powerful blurb. Just sharing what cost me thousands of dollars to hear and learn.
Thank you, I appreciate it a lot!!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
3rd iteration, hope it's more clear now:

Many people would envy Amelia del Atore. The only child in an affluent Brazilian family, at her 18 years she has everything others can only dream about. Alas, all these perks come bundled with risks and life in the crosshair of the numerous rivals.

After Amelia's father Robert stands for election to the Chamber of Deputies of Brazil stakes are getting higher. Somebody attempts a series of attacks on their family, one of which targets Amelia. Disturbed father suggest her to leave to England, away from the danger. But Amelia is tired of having her life controlled by her parents while being unaware of what's going on. Moreover, a resent shocking revelation of her family past makes her question everything she hears from them.

Confused and overwhelmed, she breaks all bonds with her old life and starts a brand new one, trying to regain her footing.

However, the unresolved mystery continues haunting her no matter how far she runs. Trying to find the answers with the help of her only trusted friend, Amelia stirs the hornet's nest.

 

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Sheridan_West said:
3rd iteration, hope it's more clear now:

Many people would envy Amelia del Atore. The only child in an affluent Brazilian family, at her 18 years she has everything others can only dream about. Alas, all these perks come bundled with risks and life in the crosshair of the numerous rivals.

After Amelia's father Robert stands for election to the Chamber of Deputies of Brazil stakes are getting higher. Somebody attempts a series of attacks on their family, one of which targets Amelia. Disturbed father suggest her to leave to England, away from the danger. But Amelia is tired of having her life controlled by her parents while being unaware of what's going on. Moreover, a resent shocking revelation of her family past makes her question everything she hears from them.

Confused and overwhelmed, she breaks all bonds with her old life and starts a brand new one, trying to regain her footing.

However, the unresolved mystery continues haunting her no matter how far she runs. Trying to find the answers with the help of her only trusted friend, Amelia stirs the hornet's nest.
I've rewritten this based on U.S./Texas spelling and English. I haven't commented previously but will address a bit now. Your reference to in the crosshairs needs the plural s. Scopes have crosshairs, one horizontal and one vertical, not a crosshair. With a single hair it does not work. I bolded one section above that definitely needs revision, at least for the American market. There are a few punctuation changes here and there. Here it is.

Many people would envy Amelia del Atore. The only child in an affluent Brazilian family, at 18 years of age she has everything others can only dream about. Alas, all these perks come bundled with risks and life in the crosshairs of numerous rivals.

After Amelia's father Robert stands for election to the Chamber of Deputies of Brazil the stakes get higher. Somebody attempts a series of attacks on their family, one of which targets Amelia. Disturbed, her father suggests she leave for England, away from the danger. But Amelia is tired of having her life controlled by her parents while being unaware of what's going on. Moreover, a recent shocking revelation of her family's past makes her question everything she hears from them.

Confused and overwhelmed, she breaks all bonds with her old life and starts a brand new one, trying to regain her footing.

However, the unresolved mystery continues haunting her no matter how far she runs. Trying to find the answers, with the help of her only trusted friend, Amelia stirs the hornet's nest.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
LDB said:
I've rewritten this based on U.S./Texas spelling and English. I haven't commented previously but will address a bit now. Your reference to in the crosshairs needs the plural s. Scopes have crosshairs, one horizontal and one vertical, not a crosshair. With a single hair it does not work. I bolded one section above that definitely needs revision, at least for the American market. There are a few punctuation changes here and there. Here it is.
Thank you! With crosshairs, it's my obvious mistake :-[
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
After I tried to share this blurb in a message, I realised how long it is! :eek:

So I came up with much shorter version:

18 years old Amelia del Atore, the only child in an affluent Brazilian family has everything others can only dream about.
However, when Amelia's father Robert stands for election to the Chamber of Deputies of Brazil, Amelia becomes a target of his unknown enemy. All signs show that it's someone who is close to their family.
While her disturbed parents want to send her to England, away from the danger, but Amelia is tired of being overprotected. She wants to find her own way to deal with the problem and regain her footing.
Trying to find the answers with the help of her only trusted friend, she stirs the hornet's nest.
 

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Sheridan_West said:
After I tried to share this blurb in a message, I realised how long it is! :eek:

So I came up with much shorter version:

18 years old Amelia del Atore, the only child in an affluent Brazilian family has everything other can only dream about.
However, when Amelia's father Robert stands for election to the Chamber of Deputies of Brazil, Amelia becomes a target of his unknown enemy. All signs show that it's someone who is close to their family.
While her disturbed parents want to send her to England, away from the danger, but Amelia is tired of being overprotected. She wants to find her own way to deal with the problem and regain her footing.
Trying to find the answers with the help of her only trusted friend, she stirs the hornet's nest.
A few issues with this one.

18 year old Amelia del Atore, the only child in an affluent Brazilian family, has everything others can only dream about.
However, when Amelia's father Robert stands for election to the Chamber of Deputies of Brazil, Amelia becomes a target of his unknown enemy. All signs show that it's someone who is close to their family.
Her disturbed parents want to send her to England, away from the danger, but Amelia is tired of being overprotected. She wants to find her own way to deal with the problem and regain her footing.
Trying to find the answers with the help of her only trusted friend, she stirs the hornet's nest.
 
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