[LG Castillo]

After dozens of revisions based on the great feedback I got here and other places, I've finally narrowed down my blurb to this. Any thoughts? Suggestions?


Decades after being banished from heaven and imprisoned on Earth for defying the archangels, rebel angel Lash is given a chance to redeem himself. His mission is simple: Protect Naomi Duran, a once strong-willed, young woman who has lost faith in herself. Keeping her safe should have been an easy assignment, but powerful forces are determined to see Naomi dead. When unexpected revelations are revealed, they shake Lash to the core, challenging his belief in those he once considered his greatest allies.

Lash is certain about one thing: His growing feelings for Naomi, a love that is forbidden between angels and mortals. Although he is determined to avoid anything that would threaten his chance to return to heaven, he fights a losing battle.

Soon, Lash is forced to choose between faith in the archangels and his love for Naomi, but how can he, when choosing one means losing the other?

 

[AshMP]

It's good ... but I feel like you get a little redundant here and here

Lash is certain about one thing: His growing feelings for Naomi, a love that is forbidden between angels and mortals. Although he is determined to avoid anything that would threaten his chance to return to heaven, he fights a losing battle.

Soon, Lash is forced to choose between faith in the archangels and his love for Naomi, but how can he, when choosing one means losing the other?

Maybe you could tighten it up a little?

Lash is certain of only three things: His growing feelings for Naomi, a love that is forbidden between angels and mortals. The fact that soon he'll be forced to choose between his faith in the archangels and the girl he loves. And that by picking one, he will have sacrifice the other.

Okay, so that's not perfect ... but maybe you can see where I was going with that.

 

[Weirdling]

There are some redundancies and vagueness in this blurb, but before I can suggest anything specific, I need to ask after the primary focus of the novel.  What is the TV guide summary?  Is most of the plot the romance or the enemy forces or the faith-shaking reveal?

Jodi 

 

[Weirdling]

I would say the romance.

Okay, I have a few comments that I hope will help you First, redundancies. If he's imprisoned on Earth, that implies his banishment from heaven. Also, even if you don't get specific as to his rebellion, "rebel" isn't needed because defying implies that.

Next, the "once" could be misread as applying to "young" as well as "strong-willed." I also think simplifying it to a woman who has lost faith in herself will allow focus on the more interesting part of the sentence. Not only does it give her conflict, but it builds reader sympathy.

Then, connection. In the rough attempt below, I'm trying to apply a crisis of faith for Lash too. Because, I suspect fantasy versions of angels are built on faith. His losing faith in his kind means loads of conflict, which is good. It also means he has a parallel journey with Naomi, which heightens interest.

Finally, I think we need a few specifics. His act of rebellion will define him. Readers also need something concrete in the threat to Naomi and how it ties into the archangels (I suspect there is a connection). Not too much that it kills the mystery, but enough that it isn't too abstract.

Below is a very rough attempt at pulling the above together. It is a pure shot in the dark, because I don't know the details of the plot or your theme. But I hope it will give you ideas to try out.

Decades after being imprisoned on Earth for ____(rebellion)____, angel Lash is given a mission through which he can redeem himself: Protect Naomi Duran, a young woman who has lost faith in herself, from _____(threat)___. The assignment proves anything but simple when he discovers ___(ties)_____ to the archangels themselves . . . and unexpected but undeniable feelings for his charge. Shaken, Lash will have to choose where to place his faith: in the home which he has fought so hard to regain or the forbidden love he can't bear to lose.

Jodi (who had to fix a few typos that crept in)

 

[Weirdling]

I'm filling in the blanks, hoping you can help.

Decades after being imprisoned on Earth for ____( he was given an assignment to save a little boy named Javier Duran (yes it was Naomi's father) from a plane crash. he ended up saving the boy and a little girl who has sitting in front of Javier. He was not supposed to do that for a very important reason.)____, angel Lash is given a mission through which he can redeem himself: Protect Naomi Duran, a young woman who has lost faith in herself, from _____( her father was killed in a car accident and the driver was Senator Sutherland. Naomi suspects there was a cover up when they accuse her father of DUI, and she tries to confront the senator but she fails to redeem her fathers good name. She lost her mother years ago to cancer and now he father. and being unable to redeem her fathers good name was the last straw. she gives up on life.)___. The assignment proves anything but simple when he discovers ___(He suspects rather than discovers, that something is going on that they are not telling him because 1) they won't tell her why she is important to protect, 2) they don't give him his angelic powers back so it makes protect her more difficult. So this makes him wonder)_____ to the archangels themselves . . . and unexpected but undeniable feelings for his charge. Shaken, Lash will have to choose where to place his faith: in the home which he has fought so hard to regain or the forbidden love he can't bear to lose.

I enjoy playing with blurbs I hope you don't mind I tried a little more with yours. I was dissatisfied with how little I emphasized the romance last night, so I hope I injected some more in this version.

Decades after being imprisoned and powerless on Earth for saving a life he shouldn't have/for an unassigned saving of a life, angel Lash is given a mission through which he can redeem himself: Protect Naomi Duran, a young woman who has lost faith in herself because of her father's death, from attacks on her life/related attacks on her life. The assignment proves anything but simple when his superiors, the archangels, make his chances for success uncertain, withholding key information about the assignment and refusing to restore his powers. Powerless and doubting, he has no choice but to resort to human means to carry out the mission, and while acting human, the first seed is planted . . . that of unexpected but undeniable feelings for his charge. It is a seed that grows the longer he is with her. Shaken, Lash will have to choose where to place his faith: in the home which he has fought so hard to regain or the forbidden love he can't bear to lose.

I guessed that he has mostly human means of defending her? So I tried to tie acting human around her to making him start to feel human things around her. I also put in some options at the slash (/) marks. My wording is a still a little clunky, but maybe it will help?

Jodi

 

[Mathew Reuther]

Astonishing revelations are revealed...

Repetitive wording.

As a general rule I like the blurb, just wanted to point this out.

 

[Weirdling]

Astonishing revelations are revealed and they shake Lash to the core, challenging his belief in those he once considered his greatest allies.

Nice changes. My only suggestion involves the above (in my bold). Generally, it's best to avoid vague emotion-laden parts like this, because it doesn't reveal anything to astonish and relies on the blurb telling us we should be astonished to feel astonished.

ETA: Maybe just have the mission shake him to the core? Maybe: The mission shakes Lash to the core, ...... ? Also, I think you want to hint at the big surprise nearer the end, the Lucifer connection? I think that is better saved as a pleasant surprise for the reader--and maybe as something to be brought up in the sequel's blurb (probably in the form of backstory/grounding, like what caused Lash to be banished).

ETA2: And that section quoted above, however you end up using it, it might end up better moved to after the next paragraph. Not sure. It just feels a little off concerning the paragraph that comes next. (Actually, I'm not sure about that suggestion; maybe it just needs a transition?)

Jodi

 

[Shane Murray]

okay so here is my most updated blurb. thanks to everyone who helped!

Decades after being banished from heaven for saving a life he shouldn't have, seraph Lash is given a mission through which he can redeem himself: Protect Naomi Duran, a young woman who has lost faith in herself. The assignment proves anything but simple when his superiors, the archangels, make his chances for success uncertain, withholding key information about the assignment and refusing to restore his powers. Astonishing revelations are revealed and they shake Lash to the core, challenging his belief in those he once considered his greatest allies.

When Naomi's life is threatened by an unknown source, Lash resorts to human means to carry out his mission, and when he does, unexpected feelings grow for his charge.

Unable to deny his love for Naomi, Lash will have to choose where to place his faith: in the home he has fought so hard to regain or the forbidden love he can't bear to lose.

My take

***

Decades after being banished from heaven, seraph Lash offered a chance of redemption. All he has to do is protect Naomi Duran, a young woman who has lost faith in herself.

The assignment proves anything but simple. His superiors, the archangels, withhold key information and refuse to restore his powers. Lash always believed them his greatest allies, however his trust in their righteousness will soon be tested. Naomi's life is in danger, threatened by unknown source, and Last will be forced to resort to human means to carry out his mission. With this path will come all the feeling of a mortal heart.

Lash will be forced to make a choice: return home, or chase a forbidden love that can never be.

***

Hope the stuff above gives you some ideas to work with. Good luck!