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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Only writers understand the need to write. In many ways it seems right that a writer should date or marry a writer.

That need to write takes away a lot of time from other things, especially if you are driven. ( i.e time with your other half )

They don't see the need to write. They don't understand the goals or dreams and the work it takes to pursue them.

And at times they can think that the computer means more than them.

It's easy for us to blow through 7 hours of writing.

Our minds are always thinking about characters, story and that next book.

We tend to want to stay in, instead of go out and waste time. Time wasted is time you could have written X number of chapters.

But if your partner isn't a writer, how has that affected your marriage or partnership?

How do you deal with that other half that hates you writing? that is jealous that it takes away time from them?
 

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My wife and I met through a writer's chat room. Started character chatting, 2 years later we moved in with each other, got married once legal, and the rest is history. When the computers are off, it's all characters all the time.

So, I guess we cheat. She admits that with anyone else she'd be in a very distant relationship that would probably be really dry if it wasn't like our situation. I'd probably have followed 'common sense' and gotten a 'smart job that pays money' and left writing as the impossible dream.

So glad I didnt' do that!
 

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hunterone said:
They don't see the need to write. They don't understand the goals or dreams and the work it takes to pursue them.
I married a grown up, so I haven't encountered this. He's a professional in his line of work. I'm a professional in mine. We both get it.

And at times they can think that the computer means more than them.
Protip: Marry a gamer. They will never feel this way.

It's easy for us to blow through 7 hours of writing.
Just like a normal work day?

How do you deal with that other half that hates you writing? that is jealous that it takes away time from them?
I divorced that husband and found me another one.
 

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Krista D. Ball said:
I married a grown up, so I haven't encountered this. He's a professional in his line of work. I'm a professional in mine. We both get it.

Protip: Marry a gamer. They will never feel this way.

Just like a normal work day?
Yeah, pretty much all of this. My husband only works four days a week, but they're four 12-hour days. When he's home during his work week, all he wants to do is sit down and watch TV or play video games. There is absolutely no conflict with me wanting to be shut away all day, because he isn't here anyway. The three days he has off, he still doesn't want to do much, but on Tuesdays, we like to go out for lunch or something.

It's like those shows about cops and doctors and firefighters, where the spouse gets super jealous of the job. But, like. Woman, your husband is an emergency room surgeon. Emergencies don't put themselves on hold because you're having dinner. Same with serial killers and four-alarm fires. You married this person, so be a friggin adult about it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
ML-Larson said:
Yeah, pretty much all of this. My husband only works four days a week, but they're four 12-hour days. When he's home during his work week, all he wants to do is sit down and watch TV or play video games. There is absolutely no conflict with me wanting to be shut away all day, because he isn't here anyway. The three days he has off, he still doesn't want to do much, but on Tuesdays, we like to go out for lunch or something.

It's like those shows about cops and doctors and firefighters, where the spouse gets super jealous of the job. But, like. Woman, your husband is an emergency room surgeon. Emergencies don't put themselves on hold because you're having dinner. Same with serial killers and four-alarm fires. You married this person, so be a friggin adult about it.
I agree but let me play devils advocate here. What if they spin that back on you and say. Is it really adult to spend all your time writing and allow your relationship to go to the wayside? Does that show you care?
 

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hunterone said:
I agree but let me play devils advocate here. What if they spin that back on you and say. Is it really adult to spend all your time writing and allow your relationship to go to the wayside? Does that show you care?
Well, like I said. He's gone 12 hours a day for most of the week anyway, and is so exhausted the other three that he doesn't want to do anything, so there's really not much I could be doing to "help" my relationship. So, I'm not really sure what you're arguing, here.
 

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Do you have scheduled together time? If yes, than you aren't allowing the relationship to go to the wayside.

Or is this the case of a man expecting his wife to be at his beck and call? Is he upset that the house isn't as spotless as his mother kept it? If he upset that he had to eat leftovers for supper - and had to microwave it himself? If so, I know an excellent divorce attorney. I'm not joking.
 

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You're right. It's best to be with another writer, or at least someone who likes to
read & is into books & book stores. Found out the hard way years ago.

Now then, I'm free, white, straight & available. Skin color or ethnicity not an issue. Some of the sexiest women I ever laid eyes on have been women of color. What impresses me? Brains & curves. Not necessarily in that order. I'm not into religion or politics or TV or drinking or drugs or TeeVee.  Further info upon  request.  ;D

You know, Harve, mods: Betsy, Ann, this could be an idea here: make it possible for peeps to
get together. I'd rather be in a relationship, than not be in one. Life is just better when you can be in love with someone, especially if that significant other is also your best friend & is interested in scribbling. How can you top that?

Just sayin'.

 

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My husband writes as a hobby, and has for as long as I've known him - we were in the same boat until I decided to make the jump into KDP last year. (Hi, hon, if you're lurking!)

The original post troubles me. It seems like there's a lack of communication or a lack of understanding what the partners need from one another. Is this a composite, a fear, a stereotype or something that actually happened? ("Hey, honey, my message board says you're wrong" is not something I feel comfortable with, either.)

But I once had an ex that was jealous of anything I did that didn't relate directly to him. He complained if I wrote anything that wasn't a gift for him. Complained if I watched shows he didn't like. Complained if I talked to anyone else. This pattern is one of many key reasons why he is an ex. And it's not that he "hated my writing", it's that he did not respect my autonomy as a human being in many different ways. The writing whining was a symptom, not a cause.

As for the much better present day, he is one of my beta readers, I beta read and lightly copy-edit his stuff, and sometimes it's awkward (like... I got to the publishing point first, however prawnishly, which has caused a little angst) - but mostly it's great to have support. And not because he's also a writer, because he's a supportive person who wants good things for me and vice versa.

I don't care about sports, but I'm happy for him when his teams are doing well, because I am not a jerk. Even if he didn't write himself, I know he'd be supportive and help me in my endeavors. That's how grownups operate.
 

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ML-Larson said:
Well, like I said. He's gone 12 hours a day for most of the week anyway, and is so exhausted the other three that he doesn't want to do anything, so there's really not much I could be doing to "help" my relationship. So, I'm not really sure what you're arguing, here.
In the 1950s it would be 'you are the woman, you need to make the relationship work, even if he's not there.'

Thank goodness we are in 2015.

As to the Original Poster:

Writing can put a strain on the relationship. My husband always aspired to be a writer. Mostly he is supportive, but he can't/doesn't understand that it's not just writing and publishing AND marketing. I'm running a business and he doesn't quite realize that. Still, when he sees the few pennies I throw in our bank account, he always says something nice (supportive) about me writing. (That isn't the only time, but it's guaranteed to get me a compliment.)

He tries to give me time to write but when our youngest "needs" me, there' s not much he can do.
 

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Anyone who is JEALOUS that you are doing something that doesn't include them is someone you should probably stay away from.
Big red flag. RUN.

You are working. It's a job. Who gets jealous about a job?
Now, if the spouse/SO feels neglected, then you need to talk about it and work something out. That goes for any relationship issue.
 

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One of the things that initially attracted my girlfriend to me was that I'm a writer. She's been incredibly supportive and understands that writing time is my alone time. If the money were there (and a work visa wasn't a concern), she'd prefer that I write full-time because she doesn't like that I have a two-hour round-trip commute to get to day jobs.
 

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Kirkee said:
You know, Harve, mods: Betsy, Ann, this could be an idea here: make it possible for peeps to
get together. I'd rather be in a relationship, than not be in one. Life is just better when you can be in love with someone, especially if that significant other is also your best friend & is interested in scribbling. How can you top that?
That's what PMs are for. Just sayin'. (But don't start PMing members randomly, that'll get you banned. ;) )

Seriously, though, people have set up meetups in areas...that would be a good, safe way to meet some of your fellow KBoarders.

Betsy
 

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Kirkee said:
You know, Harve, mods: Betsy, Ann, this could be an idea here: make it possible for peeps to
get together. I'd rather be in a relationship, than not be in one. Life is just better when you can be in love with someone, especially if that significant other is also your best friend & is interested in scribbling. How can you top that?
Um, so we start out with someone inquiring as to how spending so much time writing affects relationships, because the significant other doesn't understand all the time spent flittering about on a keyboard in front of a computer, and your suggestion is to take KB, where many of those writers spend probably too much of their time already, and turn it into a dating site? Seems to me that would only increase the amount of concern in those relationships.

On the flip side, Harvey might be able to make a mint running affiliate ads for divorce attorneys.

Betsy the Quilter said:
That's what PMs are for. Just sayin'. (But don't start PMing members randomly, that'll get you banned. ;) )
Well, if people are set on a dating service here, you could setup a "secret admirer" system. Both people have to like each other before either of them knows one liked the other. When there's a match, the system could send a notice out informing them of the same and asking for a payment of $5 if they would like the match revealed.

Between that and the affiliate ads for divorce lawyers, Harvey will be rich!
 

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My wife has been very supportive of my writing, even before it started making money.  Now that I have a substantial income from writing, it's easier to justify carving the time out of every day that it takes to accomplish it.  I believe that we should all follow our dreams, but if we try it and discover we can't be successful at doing what we love, then relegate it to hobby status and do it for yourself.
 

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My wife has always been very supportive of my writing.  Luckily, I'm not one who needs to isolate myself to get things done.  I can be sitting in a room with the family carrying on a conversation while my fingers are moving.

Anyway, good luck, I hope you two can work something out that seems fair to you both.
 

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Wow, either you all have perfect relationships or some peeps are wisely staying quiet. My husband definitely resents me spending my evenings working. We used to watch movies together most nights and chat, but now I'm working instead.
Of course it affects our relationship, but I try to make some quality time and the income helps smooth it over, but yeah, it is eating into our time together and I have to be careful as we could potentially drift apart a little if not managed.
 

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No, I don't have a perfect relationship. We just don't need to spend every moment with each other. He's quite happy to play video games while I write. If I need to pull all-nighters or all-weekends, he takes over my chores. Likewise, when a new game of his comes out, he pulls his all-weekenders and I pick up the chores.

Maybe it's the length of time we've been together and our ages (and that we're both on a second marriage).
 
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