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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Can anyone instruct me on fixing this up, please? My husband says it tells the whole story, unfortunately..

Seventeen year old Olivia Cohen has always been content with her existence as a blood drinking, night walking human in search of immortality. When she leaves her tiny world in the form of a closed off colony, she meets Troy Evans whose blood is unlike anything she has ever smelled. Her life is thrown into hyper speed when she is turned into a truly immortal vampire by a mysterious woman and has to learn how to be the right kind of vampire while unveiling secrets about the colony. Now on a search for answers to questions she never thought she'd be asking, she must relinquish all that she believes in to find out the truth about Vampirism and protect Troy in a fight for his unique blood.
Thanks very much in advance.
 

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Hello, bloocheese,
I personally like the following format, but there are no rules for this sort of thing (other than try for a blurb that makes people say "I have to read this book"); everyone has to write the very best blurb for their book, and that's really challenging sometimes (but also fun).

  • Name of protagonist
    What the protagonist's status quo is like
    The status quo changer (the event that propells the protagonist into the adventure)
    Who or what is the antagonist?
    What's at stake?
    Maybe something that points to the final battle/conflict/decision/problem

Then leave the reader hanging. Will the protagonist succeed or not? But they're going to have to buy the book to find out.

Best of luck.
 

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Follow William's outline. Use simple sentences and keep your use of 'when' to a minimum.  And then get your blurb edited by an outsider. 

The current blurb has unintelligible sentences, which make me wonder about the readability of your MS.  At the very least, I hope your MS is being professionally edited.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
olefish said:
Follow William's outline. Use simple sentences and keep your use of 'when' to a minimum. And then get your blurb edited by an outsider.

The current blurb has unintelligible sentences, which make me wonder about the readability of your MS. At the very least, I hope your MS is being professionally edited.
Unintelligible? That's quite....interesting..
I guess I appreciate your honesty, though I wish you would've elaborated.
 

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I was a little confused about why she drinks blood as a human. Could you maybe mention if she's like half vampire or cursed or the McGuffin for it since it's unusual to read about a human craving blood.
 

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It does sound a bit expositional I think. For me, a good blurb should tell the reader:
- What is the dramatic conflict?
- And why should we care?

It's hard to tell just from your current blurb, but I'd imagine the main conflict is about Olivia discovering more about vampirism, and having her life changed because of it? And it seems like readers would care about this because she's a young girl leaving a closed community and going on a bit of a coming-of-age quest as she steps into a larger world, which is a nice solid archetype to hook people in with.

I'd focus on those two things and work from there. I wouldn't say your blurb is unintelligible at all, but it does have some lengthy run-on sentences (and the repetition of "vampire" in the third sentence sounded a little awkward). Stick to simple, direct sentences. You don't have to tell a condensed version of the whole story, you just have to give the readers enough to get them interested. :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
It's not a half vampire story. My vampires are not made the same way as most.

Edit: Thank you Claudia. That was helpful.
 

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Ignoring the sentence structure and stuff and just concentrating on the rest...

Seventeen year old Olivia Cohen has always been content with her existence as a blood drinking, night walking human in search of immortality. [I'm unsure if she's a murderer, psychopath, goth girl poser or some sort of half-human/creature.] When she leaves her tiny world in the form of a closed off colony [why is she living in a colony?], she meets Troy Evans whose blood is unlike anything she has ever smelled. [This makes me wonder if she wants to kill him or just drink his blood or she's attracted to him? Or something else? All this not-knowing what you mean and wondering is making my mind wander.] Her life is thrown into hyper speed when she is turned into a truly immortal vampire [this is a BIG deal, yes? when does his happen in the book?] by a mysterious woman [can you give me more detail? mysterious woman is vague and a little cliche] and has to learn how to be the right kind of vampire [I have no idea what that means/ Your audience has no idea what "the right kind of vampire" is. Tell us.] while unveiling secrets about the colony [More vagueness. You need to be more specific. You don't have reveal all of the details, but... secrets about who is behind the colon, why the colony really exists, etc]. Now on a search for answers to questions she never thought she'd be asking [I really have no idea what that means. What sorts of questions? This is way, way, way (yes, three ways) too vague], she must relinquish all that she believes in [you need to tell us what that is for this to have any meaning to us. what did she believe in and why must she give it up now?] to find out the truth about Vampirism [there's a truth? this is news to your reader. what do you mean by truth/] and protect Troy in a fight for his unique blood. [why is she protecting him? from who? what happens if she fails?]
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I see, thank you very much. It was very helpful since I had no idea that it was too vague. I thought it was telling too much but I see that it is not telling enough. Thank you again.
 
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