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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I keep looking at the sentence which is the opening of a prologue in a pre-edited MS and shaking my head. I sounds okay in text to speach, but I'm not a fan of long sentences,

Try as I may, I can't seem to think of a way to cut it down, in part because I need to have where the bunkers are situated from the off.

If it works, great, say that, but if not and you can suggest something to split it up, it would be appreciated.


With communications intermittent between Army Command over at the Raven Rock Complex bunker in Pennsylvania, and the government's Doomsday Bunker in the Cheyenne Mountain Complex over in Colorado, it was driving President Latham and his administration team crazy at not knowing the full extent of the situation on the outside.
 

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You could break it up - this quick and rough, but maybe something like:

Every crackle of static from the coms station set President Latham and his administration team on edge. The walls of the Doomsday bunker in the Cheyanne Mountain Complex did too good a job in cutting them off from the world. They were desperate to learn the situation on the outside, but the communication from Army Command over at the Raven Rock Complex bunker in Pennsylvania could be described as intermittent at best.
 

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Decon said:
I keep looking at the sentence which is the opening of a prologue in a pre-edited MS and shaking my head. I sounds okay in text to speach, but I'm not a fan of long sentences,

Try as I may, I can't seem to think of a way to cut it down, in part because I need to have where the bunkers are situated from the off.

If it works, great, say that, but if not and you can suggest something to split it up, it would be appreciated.

With communications intermittent between Army Command over at the Raven Rock Complex bunker in Pennsylvania, and the government's Doomsday Bunker in the Cheyanne Mountain Complex over in Colorado, it was driving President Latham and his administration team crazy at not knowing the full extent of the situation on the outside.
Intermittent communications between Army Command in Pennsylvania, and the government's Doomsday Bunker in Colorado, were driving President Latham crazy.

You can then add any of the omitted detail to subsequent sentences if you deem it necessary to the story.
 

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Decon said:
With communications intermittent between Army Command over at the Raven Rock Complex bunker in Pennsylvania, and the government's Doomsday Bunker in the Cheyanne Mountain Complex over in Colorado, it was driving President Latham and his administration team crazy at not knowing the full extent of the situation on the outside.
I think it could be broken up without changing your style much. Maybe something like:

Communications never got better between the Raven Rock Complex in Pennsylvania and the government's Doomsday Bunker in the Cheyanne Mountain complex in Colorado. President Latham found these days of intermittent communications wearing on him more and more. Every day that he and his administration team didn't know the full extent of the situation outside, he lost a little of his effectiveness, and with it that, he lost a little of his hope for better times.

I guess I'm just trying to say that it can be split up by location-character-character reaction. And, I totally hear you on this topic. I've had paragraphs where I'm just like, man, for some reason this one just never clicks. It gets kind of depressing working over the same ones time and time again. But I hope you nail it! Might be one of those things where you wake up one day and you have it perfectly in your mind.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Victoria.T76 said:
You could break it up - this quick and rough, but maybe something like:

Every crackle of static from the coms station set President Latham and his administration team on edge. The walls of the Doomsday bunker in the Cheyanne Mountain Complex did too good a job in cutting them off from the world. They were desperate to learn the situation on the outside, but the communication from Army Command over at the Raven Rock Complex bunker in Pennsylvania could be described as intermittent at best.
I could work something along those lines, but with the ash clouds causing the problem. Thanks
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Kathy Dee said:
Intermittent communications between Army Command in Pennsylvania, and the government's Doomsday Bunker in Colorado, were driving President Latham crazy.

You can then add any of the omitted detail to subsequent sentences if you deem it necessary to the story.
Appreciated you looking at it for me. All suggestions help
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Decon said:
I could work something along those lines, but with the ash clouds causing the problem. Thanks
Yeah, I hear you. I've been waiting for something to come to me, but on this occasion I couldn't see the woods for the trees, lol.

Thanks for the suggestions
 

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Decon said:
I keep looking at the sentence which is the opening of a prologue in a pre-edited MS and shaking my head. I sounds okay in text to speach, but I'm not a fan of long sentences,

Try as I may, I can't seem to think of a way to cut it down, in part because I need to have where the bunkers are situated from the off.

If it works, great, say that, but if not and you can suggest something to split it up, it would be appreciated.

With communications intermittent between Army Command over at the Raven Rock Complex bunker in Pennsylvania, and the government's Doomsday Bunker in the Cheyanne Mountain Complex over in Colorado, it was driving President Latham and his administration team crazy at not knowing the full extent of the situation on the outside.
Here's a quick stab:

Communications between the Army's Pennsylvania Command Center and the Cheyenne Mountain bunker were intermittent at best, so the President and his team were frustrated at not knowing the full extent of the situation on the outside.

... or ...

Communications between the Army's Pennsylvania Command Center and the Cheyenne Mountain bunker were intermittent at best. Understandably, the President and his team were frustrated at not knowing the full extent of the situation on the outside.
 

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Decon said:
I keep looking at the sentence which is the opening of a prologue in a pre-edited MS and shaking my head. I sounds okay in text to speach, but I'm not a fan of long sentences,

With communications intermittent between Army Command over at the Raven Rock Complex bunker in Pennsylvania, and the government's Doomsday Bunker in the Cheyanne Mountain Complex over in Colorado, it was driving President Latham and his administration team crazy at not knowing the full extent of the situation on the outside.
This is how I would have written it, but all this is stylistic, imo.

Not knowing the full extent of the situation on the outside was driving President Latham and his administration team crazy. Communications were intermittent between Army Command over at the Raven Rock Complex bunker in Pennsylvania and the governments's Doomsday Bunker in the Cheyanne Mountain Complex in Colorado.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Thanks everyone for the suggestions. Now resolved from suggestions.
 
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