Help with my Blurb Please

403 Views 6 Replies 5 Participants Last post by robwhite247, Jan 26, 2013

robwhite247

Discussion Starter · Jan 26, 2013

Hi All,

As you can see I am a new author to the boards.
After reading through some of the topics and threads, I can see that, in general, most people are dealt with fairly and most comments are constructive.

I've published one of my books and now I am almost ready to do the same with the second. My problem is, I am having the devil of a time writing the blurb on this one.

Any help/comments would be greatly appreciated. Here is the gist of it.

The novel is set in 1981 in the midst of the so called Thacherite Revolution.
With millions unemployed and the unions at war with the Government, it was a time of political turmoil and misery for the people of Britain.
I feel it is the darkest work I have written. Indeed some of the subject matter does not make for easy reading and I hope I have captured the brutality of life for the poor at that time without being gratuitous.

This is my first draft blurb:

If you knew, beyond all reasonable doubt, that a man was guilty of murder, would you lie to convict him?

Rookie Cop Dave Stewart did.

The trouble is Chief Detective John McCauley is going to hold it against him for the rest of his career.

Stewart hatches a plan to destroy the evidence against him kept in McCauley's secret files.

What he finds, inside those files, is evidence of a vile paedophile ring, headed by top lawyer Ray Holmes who operates inside Dave's own Police Station.

Stewart wants Holmes locked away for life.

But David Stewart has been arrested for murder.

You will notice I have used the US terms for the Police officers rather than the British 'Probationary Constable and Detective Chief Superintendent' I would like to change these as appropriate but Amazon doesn't appear to give that option.

Please feel free to comment.

Robert

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Mathew Reuther

· #2 · Jan 26, 2013

You have the option to publish two separate novels if you'd like. Labeled (US Version) and (UK Version) . . .

Personally, I wouldn't Americanize an English novel. Americans (adults who read crime novels) are not going to read English words which are different and fail to comprehend.

The blurb feels long mainly because of the para breaks. That WILL drove the blurb into the "more" territory on Amazon. That's not a "bad" thing per-se, but something you need to be aware of.

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GWakeling

· #3 · Jan 26, 2013

Mathew Reuther said:
Personally, I wouldn't Americanize an English novel. Americans (adults who read crime novels) are not going to read English words which are different and fail to comprehend.

I agree with Mathew, I would keep all the language in British English. Readers, whether they're American or British, will be pulled into a story that is set in the UK. If you use American terms for the police force, you could well pull people out of the story. I had this worry with my books to start with as they're all written in UK English. Rather than put people off, it's actually been loved by readers from other countries as they've said it helps create the entire mood and tone of the novel.

Good luck!

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Rayna Corday

· #4 · Jan 26, 2013

From your setup paragraph, it seems this dystopian-sounding revolution is an important backdrop to your story. I think you should definitely mention it in somewhere in the blurb.

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Mathew Reuther

· #5 · Jan 26, 2013

GWakeling said:
I had this worry with my books to start with as they're all written in UK English. Rather than put people off, it's actually been loved by readers from other countries as they've said it helps create the entire mood and tone of the novel.

I use all manner of words from all manner of sources in my writing. People do not seem to have much difficulty keeping up. As long as you give some context, it works.

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Whirlochre Kindling On Up

· #6 · Jan 26, 2013

You could lead with a shorter line:

Would you lie to convict a murderer?

That would set you up quicker to detail your protag and his dilemma.

However, you might also consider getting your protag in right at the start:

When rookie cop Dave Stewart lies to convict a murderer...[who could have forseen the heavy duty crap he'll suffer as a result of his error...etc]

Certainly, you want to lose phrases like "the trouble is" (padding), "is going to hold it against him" (passive/weak - my next door neighbour holds it against me that I ruined her hedge with some shears but I doubt it places my life in danger), "what he finds, inside those files" (too much doubling up on stuff you've already said). Also, as it stands, the real and imminent threat posed by McCauley is sneaked in as a kind of afterthought. Punch with the paedophile ring and grant McCaulay his own punchy sentence. Right now you have two big ideas wrestling for space in one sentence like ferrets in a sack.

Not sure how to rewrite this one because it isn't clear to me why your protag has been arrested for murder. I understand the dilemma he faces - he's locked in a multi-layered web of intrigue, unable to speak out because he's about to be jailed and his word is known to be in question. We need to know why he's been arrested for this to work.

I agree with Rayna - you devote a paragraph of your pre-blurb to the Thatcherite revolution so it needs a mention somewhere. Might fit in at the end? "Framed by the turbulence of early 80s Britain, ..."

Hope this helps.

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robwhite247

Discussion Starter · #7 · Jan 26, 2013

Whirlochre Kindling On Up said:
You could lead with a shorter line:

Would you lie to convict a murderer?

That would set you up quicker to detail your protag and his dilemma.

However, you might also consider getting your protag in right at the start:

When rookie cop Dave Stewart lies to convict a murderer...[who could have forseen the heavy duty crap he'll suffer as a result of his error...etc]

I agree with Rayna - you devote a paragraph of your pre-blurb to the Thatcherite revolution so it needs a mention somewhere. Might fit in at the end? "Framed by the turbulence of early 80s Britain, ..."

Hope this helps.

Excellent feedback. Just what I need, really like the two highlighted lines. Also will return to the UK English as suggested.

Many Thanks

Robert

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