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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I know it's short, but wondering if it sounds interesting enough, and what tweaks I might make.

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Royal scribe Kalgani is returning home after a failed mission to the governor of a neighboring city. He is looking forward to seeing his pregnant wife and resting before the king sends him on a new task of securing support to a weakening kingdom under increasing threat from hostile nomadic tribes.

But the house is empty. His wife is missing.

What begins as a desperate search for answers is about to plunge Kalgani into a diabolical conspiracy, and the man who has spent his years with a reed pen and a clay tablet must now confront terrifying forces to not only secure justice for his wife but also to save his own life and the entire kingdom.

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Thank you!
 

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I like it. It reminds me of an action story, but with a historical setting, and it could be really fun. Overall, I think it looks great. What do you think about a tag line though? It seems like it jumps right into specifics and might benefit from one line that's just there to catch the eye. "The pen is mightier" might be too cliché :LOL: but I bet there's a great tag line out there for a badass scribe.

The only other thing is that I think the second sentence could be broken up a little. No biggie, and it might just be me, and I'm sleepy, so it might doubly be me, but I think I'd do something like:

Royal scribe Kalgani is returning home after a failed mission to the governor of a neighboring city. He is looking forward to seeing his pregnant wife and resting before the king sends him on a new task. Kalgani just needs one day with her before he travels to secure support to a weakening kingdom.

But the house is empty. His wife is missing.

That's all I got. It sounds good! Honestly, looking at it again, I don't know if you need to change that sentence or if it's all good. Guess I just figured I'd put down what I thought and you can decide what's best for you :) After going over my blurbs a ton of times it's hard to read someone else's and not think "what would I do". So, what would I do is kind of the best advice I got. But no matter what you do, it seems like you've got it good.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thank you both! NikOk - appreciate the input, I'll see how I can incorporate some of the feedback. You're spot on! It is indeed an action type of book in an epic/historical setting, and I'm glad it came out that way. We all know what a pain blurbs can be... :)
 

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Thank you both! NikOk - appreciate the input, I'll see how I can incorporate some of the feedback. You're spot on! It is indeed an action type of book in an epic/historical setting, and I'm glad it came out that way. We all know what a pain blurbs can be... :)
I like the sound of it! As soon as I got to the house being empty I was in. I might shorten the first paragraph a bit to get to that part sooner, but im just a sucker for a starting hook. Might just be my preference.
 

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Not bad (and I'm a fan of 'shorter' blurbs, btw). But let's try out starting out with the exciting part. (A college professor once told me I should cut some of my first pages/paragraphs and start farther in. I think this might be good advice here.) Anyway, how about something like this:

The house is empty. His wife is missing.

Kalgani has been away on a mission for the king; the disappearance of his pregnant wife is almost more than the royal scribe can bear.

Now, what begins as a desperate search for answers is about to plunge Kalgani into a diabolical conspiracy, and the man who has spent his years with a reed pen and a clay tablet must now confront terrifying forces to not only secure justice for his wife but also to save his own life and the entire kingdom.
 

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I know it's short, but wondering if it sounds interesting enough, and what tweaks I might make.

----

Royal scribe Kalgani is returning home after a failed mission to the governor of a neighboring city. He is looking forward to seeing his pregnant wife and resting before the king sends him on a new task of securing support to a weakening kingdom under increasing threat from hostile nomadic tribes.

But the house is empty. His wife is missing.

What begins as a desperate search for answers is about to plunge Kalgani into a diabolical conspiracy, and the man who has spent his years with a reed pen and a clay tablet must now confront terrifying forces to not only secure justice for his wife but also to save his own life and the entire kingdom.

----

Thank you!
I like it too. You asked for any tweaks so here goes. this one comes on at 139 words, so a litle longer. I think yours is 117 words.

I don't know your story, but here is a suggestion to create a little more empathy for the guy with that first para and a small change to show his fear besides what he finds on his return. I sort of imagined he would be afraid what the king would say at his failure for something of such importance.

Saying that, yours is fine to create interest.


Royal scribe Kalgani has everything in life he has strived for. A position in the royal household, a nice home befitting his position, and a beautiful wife expecting their first child waiting for his return. Elevated to diplomatic status, he fears a loss of favor after he fails to secure help from a neighboring city to ward off the threat from warring tribes.

But this is not his only fear when he returns. Kalgani finds his house empty. His wife is missing.

What begins as a desperate search for answers is about to plunge Kalgani into a diabolical conspiracy, and the man who has spent his years with a reed pen and a clay tablet must now confront terrifying forces to not only secure justice for his wife but also to save his own life and the entire kingdom.
 
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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Jena - That's an interesting angle! I've generally stuck with context-> BAM! -> stakes, and what you're pointing out to is BAM! -> context -> stakes.. and your approach has its own merits. I'll give it some thought. Thank you.

Decon - I love how you've juiced the context paragraph. Might borrow some bits and refine my first para. I think having two levels of worry is more powerful than how I have it now. He definitely is worried about the king's reaction to the failure.
 

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What happens when a quiet bookish man is called upon to be a hero? Royal scribe Kalgani returns from a mission to win over an important ally for his King. The threat from hostile nomadic tribes that have vowed to ransack the Kingdom increases with each passing day.

Kalgani’s mission to win the support of the governor of a neighboring city has failed. But there is worse awaiting him than simply the wrath of his King. He finds his house empty, and his pregnant wife missing.

So begins a desperate search for answers that will plunge Kalgani into a diabolical conspiracy. For a man whose entire working life has revolved around a reed pen and a clay tablet, the idea of picking up a sword is terrifying. Yet, now he discovers he has a mission of a different kind. He must not only fight to get back his wife. He must save the entire kingdom! For that, he is going to need his pen and a sword.



It's a little longer than yours, and some may not apply but use what you need if you like. I think Deacon is on the mark. You need to add something about the man himself to entice the reader to identify with him. Something about his character and how he must change to get where he needs to be.
 

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I too will say get to the 'pregnant wife missing' as soon as possible. The cover and 'Royal scribe' will probably be enough to tell us we are in a historical or fantasy world. Also, it did make me question if rulers would use scribes as ambassadors.

Instead, maybe use more words to flesh out the 'terrifying forces.'

'secure justice for his wife' seems a bit weird almost as if you are revealing that the wife has been murdered.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Baldricko/John - thank you for the inputs. I think there's a consensus on providing a bit more character context. I have to make a call on which parts to get to faster. I personally prefer shorter blurbs, but having said that I haven't followed my own rule for some of my books, so there's that!

John - re: the "secure justice" bit, the reader will learn the murder of the wife in the very first chapter, so while the MC doesn't know why for a while, the reader knows right away. Also, sharp comment on whether a scribe was used as an ambassador, and I answer that in the very first chapter where the scribe appears :)
 
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