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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Well, HELPER12 goes live next week, and I am trying to refine the book description. It seems . . . uninteresting?

Any ideas would be so greatly appreciated!

Helper12 works as a Baby Helper in Pre Ward, the place where babies spend their first four months of life before they're tracked for vocations and sent to training. She does her job well, and she stays out of trouble. But one day, the Sloanes, Society members who enjoy all the privileges of their station-family unit clearance, a private dwelling, access to good food and good schools-come to "adopt" one of the Pre Ward babies. The Director makes a deal and the Sloanes walk out with a brand new child.

They also walk out owning Helper12-the Director sells her to them, and there's nothing she can do but go. At the Sloanes, Helper12 enters a world where people should be able to enjoy life-with high position and riches come the opportunity for individual freedom, even the chance to love-but that's not what she finds. The Sloanes are keeping secrets. So is their biological son, Thomas.

Helper12 has some secrets of her own; she's drawing, which is a violation, since Baby Helpers aren't tracked for Art. And she's growing to love the baby she was bought to care for-at the same time that Ms. Sloane is becoming disenchanted with her impulse baby buy.

In a world where all your choices are made for you, how do you make some for yourself? Helper12 is about to find out.
 

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The blurb gives us the setting in which the story takes place, and it tells us about the characters, but it doesn't tell us any more. The setting and characters are interesting. There are a zillion stories that could take place in that set up. Help us out by letting us know something about what's happening. Murder? Theft? Biological hazard? Political conspiracy? Eugencs? Who-Done-It? Vampires? Espionage? Love triangle?
 

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I felt like the second graph began to create interest, and the third graph suggested some of the specific issues the character is dealing with. And for me, "In a world" seems really cliche. I can't read those words without hearing that deep, Movietone voiceover. It might work if the book is a comedy.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks all! That link is invaluable Monique! I'm doing it right according to that, just not right enough, yet. I will get busy trying to instill some more excitement. I really appreciate the help!
 

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I'd make it shorter, here's a quicky makeover by me, which might or might not be an improvement.


Helper12 is assigned to Pre Ward, where babies under four months are housed until they’re assigned vocations and sent to training.  All is well until the Sloanes, members of society's elite, show up to “adopt” a child and buy Helper12 as part of the deal.  All should be well as Helper12 lives on the fringe of the elite.  But Helper12 is worried.  She's beginning to love the baby and has made some drawings, violating her assigned track. Ms. Sloane is becoming disenchanted with her impulse baby buy and there are disturbing secrets everywhere.  How can you make choices when they are all made for you?  Helper12 is about to find out.

 

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Oh boy, a blurb! Try this:

Helper12's work with the babies of Pre Ward is uneventful; she cares for them until they're four months old and then they're sent off to train for their assigned vocations. But when elite Society members the Sloanes arrive to "adopt" one of the babies, everything changes. They buy Helper12 and take her with them to live on the fringe of privilege.

She should happy, but Helper12 discovers the Sloanes have disturbing secrets, and she acquires secrets of her own. She begins creating art--against the rules for a Helper. And she's beginning to love the baby the Sloanes are on the verge of discarding.

Now Helper12 must learn to make choices in a world where choices are always made for you. And [[a baby's life hangs on the outcome--I don't know enough about the story]].
 
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