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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This is the intro and first chapter to my novel, The Night Squad. There are vampires involved. Lots of bitey folks, some swoony, some evil and hideous, but if I do say so myself, it's not your typical vampire novel. But if you disagree, please let me know.

Fulsome praise, gasps of horror and disgust, (more of the former, of course, would be quite acceptable), any comments or thoughts at all, would be quite welcome!

www.danagranger.com

You can PM me, or post on here - if that's allowed. The contact form on my site isn't working yet because I am technologically challenged and haven't set up the website email yet. But I will.  

Of course I will now be checking my personal messages obsessively every five minutes all night long. But don't worry about me. No pressure, folks! (off to pour myself a shot of Tequila...)
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thank you so much, guys! I will most likely post Chapter Two on Sunday, answering the burning question: Do they survive the ambush, or does the whole Night Squad bite the dust (little vampire humor there)?

I am hoping to have this up by the end of July. It would be faster, but I write press releases and web content, work as an EMT, and have to feed my children and dogs on a semi-regular basis as well, and then sometimes I like to sleep, so I can't progress as fast as I'd like.
 

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You mean you would put feeding children and pets as well as emergency work ahead of our need to know what happened in that house? Well, you just have more nerve than a toothache!  ;D

I'll be checking on Sunday night for the answers.  :)
 

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A couple of confusing parts having to do with names:

In the intro the older boy is referred to as Junior (inferring he has the same name as his father - Jeb.)  However, at the end of the intro you begin referring to the boy as Jeb, so the reader is confused about who is dialing the phone at first - father or son?.

In Chapter 1, the main character is talking to a Darrell, and then she's talking to a Derek.  Name mixup, or is Derek a different character?

And did you reveal the main character's name?  (perhaps you did and I missed it.)  Unless you're withholding it for a reason, it's better to give the reader some footing early on.
 

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swolf said:
A couple of confusing parts having to do with names:

In the intro the older boy is referred to as Junior (inferring he has the same name as his father - Jeb.) However, at the end of the intro you begin referring to the boy as Jeb, so the reader is confused about who is dialing the phone at first - father or son?.

In Chapter 1, the main character is talking to a Darrell, and then she's talking to a Derek. Name mixup, or is Derek a different character?

And did you reveal the main character's name? (perhaps you did and I missed it.) Unless you're withholding it for a reason, it's better to give the reader some footing early on.
I also noted the first issue. The second issue I noticed as I read, but I really didn't figure it out until reading it here. The third issue I would agree on.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I just went back and fixed the names. Can't believe I did that.

I have gotten some wonderful, very detailed critiques which were very complimentary overall, and also pointing out areas that need some work. Thanks so much, guys!

Any other comments would be most welcome, and also - is there too much info-dump in the first chapter, as I set up my world? Does this slow down the action? Only one person has mentioned that so far, but maybe it's in the backs of other people's minds as well.
 
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