[zeedaye]

I published Homewrecker yesterday. It's an MMA fighter romance. The heroine is unhappily married to the champion; the hero is the number one contender who's desperately trying to become champion. He needs the cash but wants the trophy wife.

It's my first time and I completely put the cart before the horse. I spent all my time writing and editing the novel (it's 120k+ so a lot of time) and very little effort into preparing for the launch and gathering readers and reviewers and all that. I've spent so long editing that I think I probably lost all sense of objectivity, and I can't tell anything anymore. Is my description too vague?

Ask anyone about Cody California, they'll tell you the same thing: he's the worst.

Ask Cody about himself and he'll agree.

His road to heaven is paved with bad intentions and he doesn't care who hates him. The first time he sets his eyes on Arabecka Wilder, all he sees is an easy target. He's getting his title shot, one way or another, and if he needs to make some spoiled princess cry, so be it. If he needs to destroy her world, he'll do it with a smile on his face.

The first time Arabecka sees Cody, it takes her a while to figure out what she's looking at. He walks like a bad guy, talks like a bad guy, and his name tag reads VILLAIN... but she's not all the way convinced that he's going to be the absolute worst thing that ever happened to her. She's been trapped in her sham of a fairy tale for so long, she's just about ready to throw the gates open and let the wolf walk right in.

Millionaires, mma fighters, movies stars, wolves in sheep's clothing, wolves in wolves' clothing... It's a full out royal rumble and the prize is to die for.

I realized I had a spelling error, (spoilt instead of spoiled), so I was going to change that, but then I started thinking I should change the whole thing. The cover makes it clear its a fighter romance, but it still seems kinda vague.

My alternative so far:

Cody California (it's a stage name) is problematic in the worst way. He needs money and he'll do anything, say anything and fight anyone to get what he deserves.

He's the number one contender after all. He deserves a shot at the title. But when the king of the ring refuses to fight him, he goes after the next best thing. The king's wife.

I know the second one is too short, but is it more enticing? I didn't really want to play up the cheating aspect of it any further, it's already named Homewrecker, but I don't know anymore.

 

[darkink]

Hi zeedaye! This is my first post but I've been lurking  for a while because I too am a newb getting ready to publish. A lot of wisdom here from people who know what they're doing. Anyway, I had to jump in because I think your first description is fantastic! It made me want to read your book and it's not even my genre. Even though I'm new to indie publishing, I've been writing for a long time and have even won some awards, so I hope you'll trust me on this. Don't let first time jitters set you off on an self-defeating editing tangent. I only say that because I've done it so many times. From my understanding, the blurb shouldn't be too long because you don't want to lose the sale (yours isn't too long, I honestly read it breathlessly to the end and was ready to hit buy) but it needs to be long enough for the amazon algos to work in your favor. I think you've hit it just right. I know people will have plenty of advice but in my opinion, you've got something good here. Good luck!!!

 

[LDB]

Your second one doesn't seem clear enough. It sounds like he's going after the wife to fight her or attack her not to steal her.

 

[NikOK]

Hi zeedaye! This is my first post but I've been lurking for a while because I too am a newb getting ready to publish. A lot of wisdom here from people who know what they're doing. Anyway, I had to jump in because I think your first description is fantastic! It made me want to read your book and it's not even my genre. Even though I'm new to indie publishing, I've been writing for a long time and have even won some awards, so I hope you'll trust me on this. Don't let first time jitters set you off on an self-defeating editing tangent. I only say that because I've done it so many times. From my understanding, the blurb shouldn't be too long because you don't want to lose the sale (yours isn't too long, I honestly read it breathlessly to the end and was ready to hit buy) but it needs to be long enough for the amazon algos to work in your favor. I think you've hit it just right. I know people will have plenty of advice but in my opinion, you've got something good here. Good luck!!!

I agree 100% and definitely like the first one better. Giving the character perspectives really sets the book up. Even if the second one is the better plot description, it lacks the same style, and that's what will draw people to it.

The only thing that I would suggest is to change the part "and his name tag reads VILLAIN" Saying "villain" is a little too on the nose for me, even if this character is not the villain. This seems more like a nuanced story with characters in the shades of grey, so to say hero or villain actually takes away for me. I'd say something more along the lines of
"He walks like a bad guy, talks like a bad guy, and his name tag reads TOO GOOD FOR THIS PLACE"
"He walks like a bad guy, talks like a bad guy, and his name tag reads BIG EGO"
"He walks like a bad guy, talks like a bad guy, and he wears a thousand-yard stare that only leads back to himself."
"He walks like a bad guy, talks like a bad guy, and every night in the cage only makes that bad guy hit harder."

Heh, or something. I'm sure you can get one good, I just think it would be a little tighter without "villain"

Also, combat sports are always kind of a smart setting for a sports story. If a basketball team is down 30 by 1 minute left, then they are screwed, but a fighter is always one punch away from winning no matter how bad the fight has gone.

All in all, I really like it. Seems like a story with a ton of potential.

 

[Gareth K Pengelly]

Little vague, but prefer it over the second shorter one.

Main thing I'd do is make it clear that he's an MMA fighter. You infer it, several times, but you don't outright say it.

Even something as small as changing to opening line to 'Ask anyone about MMA fighter, Cody...'

Don't assume readers have the time to put two and two together - they quickly scan your blurb for whatever appeals to them, before clicking away. Make sure they KNOW he's an MMA fighter, cos if they're after a story about a fighter and don't immediately read it, they might go elsewhere.

Sounds like a cool story though. And your descriptive language in the blurb is great!

 

[Karen Monroe]

I like the first one, but I would add a disclaimer at the bottom about cheating. I am slow on the uptake, but Homewrecker didn’t immediately make me think one of them is married. Also, most romance readers are gun-shy when the cheater is a woman. For some that will immediately turn them off.

 

[zeedaye]

Don't let first time jitters set you off on an self-defeating editing tangent.

Thank you so much! This is exactly where I was at!!! I looked at it and thought, "Delete! Delete everything!" I wrote it in complete anonymity at home, so jitters is exactly it. I keep looking over my shoulder for someone to pop up like "What do we have here?"

Thanks for all the responses, guys! I needed it. I was drowning in doubt.

 

[Gareth K Pengelly]

I looked at it and thought, "Delete! Delete everything!"

If it's any consolation, I'm like that just before I hit publish on every new book, even now.