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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I welcome all of your opinions on this blurb for my book Twisted. Earlier today I got an email from someone who suggested I work on the blurb more (among other things) and that it's too verbose. Basically, they suggested that it's driving away readers and also suggested I seek more reviews, which I have been doing aggressively in the past week or so.

Thanks!


Forget the beach. Forget the teacup ride at Disney World. Sixteen-year-old Allie's going on the vacation of her life: tornado chasing. What can possibly go wrong with that?

A terrifying, magical experience leaves Allie shocked and confused. Once she returns from her summer break, she learns that she now bears an awful curse. She isn't an ordinary girl anymore.

Every time there's a storm, she turns into a tornado. Literally.

Allie has no choice but to flee her hometown--if she stays, her new powers could harm or even kill everyone she loves.

With her best friend, Tommy, Allie must return to the plains and find those who made her this way. But her quest to save herself is only the beginning of her adventure. She discovers a society where others share her curse, including a kid named Dorian who hates his elemental abilities just as much as she does. Not only must she risk everything to face those who turned her, but getting close to Dorian will pose its own dangers--dangers that could decide her fate.
 

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I like it.
 

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I like it too.  It tells you what the book is about and leaves enough to the imagination to make you want to read it.  I wouldn't change it. 
 

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Holly A Hook said:
I welcome all of your opinions on this blurb for my book Twisted. Earlier today I got an email from someone who suggested I work on the blurb more (among other things) and that it's too verbose. Basically, they suggested that it's driving away readers and also suggested I seek more reviews, which I have been doing aggressively in the past week or so.

Thanks!


Forget the beach. Forget the teacup ride at Disney World. Sixteen-year-old Allie's going on the vacation of her life: tornado chasing. What can possibly go wrong with that?

A terrifying, magical experience leaves Allie shocked and confused. Once she returns from her summer break, she learns that she now bears an awful curse. She isn't an ordinary girl anymore.

Every time there's a storm, she turns into a tornado. Literally.

Allie has no choice but to flee her hometown--if she stays, her new powers could harm or even kill everyone she loves.

With her best friend, Tommy, Allie must return to the plains and find those who made her this way. But her quest to save herself is only the beginning of her adventure. She discovers a society where others share her curse, including a kid named Dorian who hates his elemental abilities just as much as she does. Not only must she risk everything to face those who turned her, but getting close to Dorian will pose its own dangers--dangers that could decide her fate.
There is virtually nothing I would change about this blurb. The only thing that would drive away a potential reader, IMO, is if they don't like tornadoes in their stories :-\
 

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I guess I'm the spoilsport here because I don't like the blurb much.
I don't like the whole first line. I think the whole blurb is better if you just clip the top line off.

Maybe part of it is the question there.

Or maybe it's my extreme prejudice against tornadoes.

You might not wanna take advice from someone who spent two years recovering from bringing a human to a tornado fight. ;) *shrug*
 

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Yeah, I have to say that I think it's too verbose as well. The first paragraph can be removed, as can the first line in the second paragraph. Overall, I just think it can be tightened up by using fewer words and more powerful words.

Writing a book blurb is like writing poetry. It needs to be ruthlessly concise and vivid. I think this is a good start, however. Maybe set it aside for a bit and come back to it? That helps me see things in a new light sometimes.
 

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Keep it short and to the point. The fact that her friend's name is Tommy is not relavant enough to be included in a blurb. One name--the MC's--is enough. For that matter, whether she returns to the plains alone or with an army is not relavant enough. All of that is plot: let your readers read it. The premise, that of a girl who turns into a tornado, is enough to hook the reader. No need to expand on the elemental society or any of that, at least not in a blurb, IMO.

With that in mind, I'd do something like this:


Sixteen-year-old Allie's going on the vacation of her life: tornado chasing. What can possibly go wrong with that?

But a terrifying, magical experience leaves Allie shocked and confused, and she learns that she now bears an awful curse.

Every time there's a storm, she turns into a tornado. Literally.

Allie has no choice but to flee her hometown--if she stays, her new powers could harm or even kill everyone she loves.

She must return to the plains and find those who made her this way. But this journey is only the beginning of her adventure.

 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Adrian Howell said:
Keep it short and to the point. The fact that her friend's name is Tommy is not relavant enough to be included in a blurb. One name--the MC's--is enough. For that matter, whether she returns to the plains alone or with an army is not relavant enough. All of that is plot: let your readers read it. The premise, that of a girl who turns into a tornado, is enough to hook the reader. No need to expand on the elemental society or any of that, at least not in a blurb, IMO.

With that in mind, I'd do something like this:

Sixteen-year-old Allie's going on the vacation of her life: tornado chasing. What can possibly go wrong with that?

But a terrifying, magical experience leaves Allie shocked and confused, and she learns that she now bears an awful curse.

Every time there's a storm, she turns into a tornado. Literally.

Allie has no choice but to flee her hometown--if she stays, her new powers could harm or even kill everyone she loves.

She must return to the plains and find those who made her this way. But this journey is only the beginning of her adventure.
Thanks, everyone, for your feedback. That looks like a very easy fix that I'll try. I'll keep the old blurb on hand though just in case this one doesn't work.
 

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I want to see the OP chase tornadoes.
 

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You could leave out 'of her adventures' from the line 'only the beginning of her adventure' if you wanted to cut it down to even barer bones. I liked the shorter version. Overall, though, it's a compelling blurb.
 

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Holly A Hook said:
Forget the beach. Forget the teacup ride at Disney World. Sixteen-year-old Allie's going on the vacation of her life: tornado chasing. What can possibly go wrong with that?

A terrifying, magical experience leaves Allie shocked and confused. Once she returns from her summer break, she learns that she now bears an awful curse. She isn't an ordinary girl anymore.

Every time there's a storm, she turns into a tornado. Literally.

Allie has no choice but to flee her hometown--if she stays, her new powers could harm or even kill everyone she loves.

With her best friend, Tommy, Allie must return to the plains and find those who made her this way. But her quest to save herself is only the beginning of her adventure. She discovers a society where others share her curse, including a kid named Dorian who hates his elemental abilities just as much as she does. Not only must she risk everything to face those who turned her, but getting close to Dorian will pose its own dangers--dangers that could decide her fate.
Hiyas Holly :)

I think everyone has great suggestions. This is my take on it, but feel completely free to ignore it all :)

=======================

Forget the beach. Forget the teacup ride at the fair. Sixteen-year-old Allie is going on the vacation of her life: tornado chasing. But the experience leaves her cursed--now every time there's a storm, she turns into a tornado.

An actual tornado.

She soon discovers a secret society in which others share her burden, including Dorian, who hates his elemental abilities as much as she does. While getting close to him is risky, it's nothing compared to the vicious enemy she must face to become normal again.

=======================
 
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