[trublue]

I know that it's a mistake to use the blurb as a time to summarize the book.
And that you have to sell the sizzle as they say. But is this blurb too short?

PLEASE NOTE THIS BOOK IS IN VERSE.

How far do you have to be pushed before you push back?

Shay Summers thought nothing could be worse than being ridiculed
And bullied daily by  popular hot  girl, Kelly. Then, she found the website...

 

[markobeezy]

Um, is that the whole thing? I wouldn't buy a novel that gives me nothing to be intrigued by. I mean, if you can write a whole book, can't you take a half-hour to create a decent sales pitch?

 

[Guest]

I know that it's a mistake to use the blurb as a time to summarize the book.
And that you have to sell the sizzle as they say. But is this blurb too short?

PLEASE NOTE THIS BOOK IS IN VERSE.

How far do you have to be pushed before you push back?

Shay Summers thought nothing could be worse than being ridiculed
And bullied daily by popular hot girl, Kelly. Then, she found the website...

'And' shouldn't be capitalized and there are extra spaces in the sentences. Other than that what is there about the character that should make us care about her besides her being bullied? I'm assuming the website is one where somebody else is making fun of her but that could use a little more clarification too.

 

[Mathew Reuther]

In verse a new line IS capitalized.

 

[Guest]

In verse a new line IS capitalized.

I didn't realize the blurb was supposed to be in verse, if I was a new customer browsing I would get put off thinking the author doesn't know when to capitalize...

 

[Mathew Reuther]

I didn't realize the blurb was supposed to be in verse, if I was a new customer browsing I would get put off thinking the author doesn't know when to capitalize...

Really?

PLEASE NOTE THIS BOOK IS IN VERSE.

I don't disagree with you that it might be jarring to a customer. But a book written in verse is going to be jarring if the description isn't.

 

[Guest]

Really?

I don't disagree with you that it might be jarring to a customer. But a book written in verse is going to be jarring if the description isn't.

I would have thought that it'd be better just to note that the book is written in verse in the description instead of putting the description like that without explanation, which could easily be mistaken as an error.

Edit: Oh wait I see, the first line is supposed to be part of the blurb - I thought it was just directed towards us.

 

[G_Bingley]

Even reading that the book was in verse, I didn't think the blurb was too. It is too short no matter what, but if you're trying to write in the same style as the book you definitely need more than two lines to convey the feel of it being in verse. Even if two lines rhyme, I wouldn't call it a poem if there were just the two lines; conversely for a verse you'll need more than just the two.

Also, you need a comma between popular and hot when describing what kind of girl Kelly is.

 

[trublue]

Um, is that the whole thing? I wouldn't buy a novel that gives me nothing to be intrigued by. I mean, if you can write a whole book, can't you take a half-hour to create a decent sales pitch?

So...you could not find a nicer way to say that
Seriously

 

[Guest]

Also, you need a comma between popular and hot when describing what kind of girl Kelly is.

Also to me it would sound better to put hot before popular and ditch the comma before Kelly - ie. hot, popular girl Kelly.

 

[trublue]

Thank you, that helps

 

[Mathew Reuther]

So...you could not find a nicer way to say that
Seriously

Maybe he could have.

But maybe it's worth knowing that the blurb isn't working for people. Like really not working, in some people's cases.

As for me I wouldn't read a book in verse (poems,yes; plays, yes) so it makes me very much not your target audience. As such I'm not really feeling I'm able to jusge.

What you have seems brief and not overly catchy, but as I said, I'm not your target audience.

 

[trublue]

It's fine if the blurb is not working. I will try something else. That's the point of asking on here. It's supposed to be a place where you can share and see what works and what doesn't.
That can be done without the acid tone I was given earlier. That's why I hate to put anything on here that has to do with content. How hard is it to give constructive criticism and still be polite?

 

[Mathew Reuther]

It's fine if the blurb is not working. I will try something else. That's the point of asking on here. It's supposed to be a place where you can share and see what works and what doesn't.
That can be done without the acid tone I was given earlier. That's why I hate to put anything on here that has to do with content. How hard is it to give constructive criticism and still be polite?

"Is it any good at all?"

I'd say your subject line might have had something to do with the reaction.

Honestly, he was blunt. But what do you want? People to hold your hand while they gently try to steer you?

Or do you want someone to say "Look, this really isn't working at all. It's not interesting. I wouldn't even open up the sample."

Personally I get way more out of someone just coming out and saying how they feel. It's not like he said you were an idiot. He said the blurb wasn;t working, and it looked as if there had been no effort put into it.

I certainly agree that it seems more like a two minute first draft than the hour or so my blurbs always get.

 

[Guest]

It would help even just to have some kind of descriptor of the MC like 'ambitious but introverted Shay Summers' (not saying she is 'ambitious but introverted', just an example). As is, all we get is she's a victim, who might be about to be pushed into retaliating in some way, and we're supposed to be interested solely based on that?

 

[markobeezy]

It's fine if the blurb is not working. I will try something else. That's the point of asking on here. It's supposed to be a place where you can share and see what works and what doesn't.
That can be done without the acid tone I was given earlier. That's why I hate to put anything on here that has to do with content. How hard is it to give constructive criticism and still be polite?

Dang dude I didn't realize you would take my criticism too harshly...No offense intended. That's what this board is for though, right? Honest feedback from writers/authors? Anyways, I definitely didn't mean to hurt your feelings, I'm not that kind of person at all. But for real if you can't take a bit of heat, the independent publishing frying pan might not be your cup of tea.