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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm playing with the blurb for my next book and humbly ask your assistance.

**Waiting for half of you to hit the back button. Ugh. Blurbs.**

Still here? Ok, here's the deal. This book is the second in a series and is NOT a standalone. A reader will need to read in order. However, in an ideal world, the blurb for book two will entice a new reader to check out book one and not give away too much of what's already happened.

Would you please give me your opinion? I value Kboards insight so much. (This is a first draft version of the blurb. Several clunky sentences remain. Feel free to rip them to shreds.)

In case you're curious, Facade walks a strange line between paranormal romance and supernatural suspense. I've had reviewers say they'd "highly recommend it to all lovers of paranormal romance" as well as "it's more vampire story than love story." Book two is very much the same.

What Once Was Lost - Book Two in the Immortal Memories Series
The world has changed in the year since Claire first saw William in her favorite café. Vampires are real and the world knows it. To protect themselves from discovery, Claire has hidden with William on an island not found on any mortal map, waiting for Antonio - the leader of the Exiled - to rear his nasty head. While they wait, they begin an experiment. For months, they've fed only from each other in the hopes that William will grow stronger, the power in their blood compounding upon itself. In so doing, they've deepened their bond, created a mental connection unlike any other, and allowed Claire to remember much of what she's forgotten by traveling down William's memories of their time together. This means Antonio had access to her entire past during her time with the Exiled and he could have returned her memories when she freed him last year. And he still can. She just needs to find him.

Out of the chaos fear has bred in the world steps Alec Lewis - the founder of the Order of the Righteous Hand of God. With strong words and a warm smile that hide his ruthless nature, Alec promises sanctuary to those who join the Order. Hell bent on using the destruction of vampires to vault himself into power, Alec makes a deal with Antonio that endangers those who've trusted him with their lives.

When the Exiled descend on Cairo, a massacre designed to send a message to Claire - an attack Alec Lewis knew about and could have stopped - Claire knows it's time to strike. Despite the fact that she's losing the support of some of her followers, Claire stalks Antonio across the globe as he frees more of his people. She knows that when she finds him, she should kill him. She also knows if Antonio dies, her entire past dies with him.

I've read through it a few times and realize it's still weak. I'm sure the questions you ask and the comments you make will help me tighten it up nicely!
 
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I've given it a whirl.  Second books are hard.  Hopefully, there's something helpful in here.


The world has changed in the year since Claire first saw William in her favorite cafe. Vampires are real and the world knows it. To protect themselves from discovery, Claire and William remain hidden on an island not found on any mortal map while they wait for Antonio, the leader of the Exiled, to rear his nasty head.

Out of the chaos steps Alec Lewis, the founder of the Order of the Righteous Hand of God. With strong words and a warm smile that hide his ruthless nature, Alec promises sanctuary to those who join the Order. Hell-bent on using the destruction of vampires to vault himself into power, Alec makes a deal with Antonio that endangers those who've trusted him with their lives.

When the Exiled descend on Cairo, Claire knows it's time to strike. Leaving the safety of the island, she pursues Antonio across the globe as he frees more of his people. She knows that when she finds him, she should kill him. She also knows if Antonio dies, her entire past dies with him.*

*Is there more at stake than Claire's memories?  Life or death?   

The bits I omitted about Claire and William seemed more for readers of book 1, but I didn't feel they were necessary to entice those of us new to the story.  Also, the more info you include, the more questions it raises for people unfamiliar with the story (e.g., Claire has followers?  Why does she have followers?  Why is she losing them?) and can lead to confusion.  That's why I lean toward less is more.  Sounds like a good story! 
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Augusta Blythe said:
I've given it a whirl. Second books are hard. Hopefully, there's something helpful in here.

The world has changed in the year since Claire first saw William in her favorite cafe. Vampires are real and the world knows it. To protect themselves from discovery, Claire and William remain hidden on an island not found on any mortal map while they wait for Antonio, the leader of the Exiled, to rear his nasty head.

Out of the chaos steps Alec Lewis, the founder of the Order of the Righteous Hand of God. With strong words and a warm smile that hide his ruthless nature, Alec promises sanctuary to those who join the Order. Hell-bent on using the destruction of vampires to vault himself into power, Alec makes a deal with Antonio that endangers those who've trusted him with their lives.

When the Exiled descend on Cairo, Claire knows it's time to strike. Leaving the safety of the island, she pursues Antonio across the globe as he frees more of his people. She knows that when she finds him, she should kill him. She also knows if Antonio dies, her entire past dies with him.*

*Is there more at stake than Claire's memories? Life or death?

The bits I omitted about Claire and William seemed more for readers of book 1, but I didn't feel they were necessary to entice those of us new to the story. Also, the more info you include, the more questions it raises for people unfamiliar with the story (e.g., Claire has followers? Why does she have followers? Why is she losing them?) and can lead to confusion. That's why I lean toward less is more. Sounds like a good story!
That's funny. The things you took out are things I added at the last minute. I agree with you. It's better with them gone.

There's a lot of lives at stake, but I can't figure out how to mention that without a big old spoiler into the end of book one.

Thanks for your input. It's given me something to chew on.
 

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The world has changed in the year since Claire first saw William in her favorite cafe. Vampires are real and the world knows it (at first I took this to mean they've always known...or is this a new development?). To protect themselves ("themselves" originally appeared to refer to "vampires" from previous sentence) from discovery, Claire and William remain hidden on an island not found on any mortal map while they wait (OK, this bugs me. Why are they waiting? For Antonio to attack them? To find out where he is so they can attack him? I think it's important to know.) for Antonio, the leader of the Exiled, to rear his nasty head.

Out of the chaos steps Alec Lewis, the founder of the Order of the Righteous Hand of God. With strong words and a warm smile that hide his ruthless nature, Alec promises sanctuary to those who join the Order. Hell-bent on using the destruction of vampires to vault himself into power, Alec makes a deal with Antonio that endangers those who've trusted him with their lives. (Isn't Antonio a villain? Why do we care about his followers?)

When the Exiled descend on Cairo (to do what?), Claire knows it's time to strike. Leaving the safety of the island, she pursues Antonio across the globe as he frees more of his people. She knows that when she finds him, she should kill him. She also knows if Antonio dies, her entire past dies with him. (Why is Alec Lewis in this blurb? He doesn't seem to have anything to do with the main plot.)


I think this blurb is trying to cover way WAY too much. For a reader unfamiliar with the story, there is not enough coherency. There is a lot that's lightly touched on but not really explained (as per my questions above). I would look at it again with the idea of choosing ONE plot element to focus on and making sure new readers can understand it. Your returning readers are already invested in the book and don't need much enticement; the characters alone are probably enough.

So, try again with plot for new readers, and character drama for returning readers. My suggestion, anyway. :)

Good luck!

M.W
 
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