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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm revamping the product description on The Heretic, book one of the Templar Chronicles, and thought I'd ask for some feedback...fire at will.


A former SWAT officer turns modern Templar Knight in this exciting new urban fantasy series perfect for fans of Jim Butcher, Rob Thurman, and Patricia Briggs.

A chance encounter with one of the Hellspawn left Cade Williams with certain unique traits, including the ability to walk between the lands of the living and those of the dead. Now, as commander of the Echo Team, the special operations unit within the Templar hierarchy, he has devoted his life to using his "gifts" to protect mankind from the things that lurk in the darkness.

When a Templar commandery is invaded and its occupants mercilessly slaughtered, Knight Commander Williams is called in to hunt down those responsible.  His investigation quickly leads him to a cabal of necromancers known as the Council of Nine.

There's only one problem.

The necromancers are allied with the same supernatural creature that left Cade for dead five years before.  A creature so powerful that the Templars know it only as the Adversary.

In order to stop the killing, Cade will be forced to face his own personal demons.  Not just those deep inside his heart, but also the one that left him scarred, body and soul.

The same demon that has already beaten him once before...


-Joe
 

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I feel as though you are revealing too much of the plot.  Disclaimer - I'm an extreme spoiler-phobic!

I would leave out everything after  "hunt down those responsible"

Some of your sentences are also quite long which makes them a bit hard to read and grasp - for example, I would leave out the explanation of what the Echo Team is.  It sounds cool enough just as a reference, makes me want to read the story to find out "hey, what's an Echo team!" :)

Sounds like a cool story premise though!  Especially your first line - SWAT turned Templar is a great hook.
 

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I'd suggest reworking it a bit. Check this out:

Many years ago, a chance encounter with one of the Hellspawn left Cade Williams, a former SWAT officer turns modern Templar Knight, with certain unique traits, including the ability to walk between the lands of the living and those of the dead.

Now, as commander of the Echo Team, the special operations unit within the Templar hierarchy, he has devoted his life to using his "gifts" to protect mankind from the things that lurk in the darkness.

When a Templar commandery is invaded and its occupants mercilessly slaughtered, Cade is called in to hunt down those responsible. His investigation quickly leads him to a cabal of necromancers known as the Council of Nine and their alliance with a creature so powerful it...(note...explain why this creature is so powerful to help increase suspense).

In order to stop the killing, Cade will be forced to face his own personal demons. Not just those deep inside his heart, but also the one that left him scarred, body and soul.

This exciting new urban fantasy series is perfect for fans of Jim Butcher, Rob Thurman, and Patricia Briggs.


It still needs polishing, but I hope it helps.
 

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mashadutoit said:
I feel as though you are revealing too much of the plot. Disclaimer - I'm an extreme spoiler-phobic!

I would leave out everything after "hunt down those responsible"

Some of your sentences are also quite long which makes them a bit hard to read and grasp - for example, I would leave out the explanation of what the Echo Team is. It sounds cool enough just as a reference, makes me want to read the story to find out "hey, what's an Echo team!" :)

Sounds like a cool story premise though! Especially your first line - SWAT turned Templar is a great hook.
I agree with this. Could it be simpler?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks for taking the time to offer some suggestions, all.

Mashadutoit - The plotline is fairly rich, so what little I've revealed doesn't really act as much of a spoiler, but I'll keep the need to avoid doing so in mind.

Nick - Thanks for the link, though I'm already familiar with the site.  I've sold eighteen novels to major trad houses on the strength of a proposal and two chapters alone, so I understand the basic concepts involved.  Sometimes its good to get some general feedback though, which is why I asked.

Wendy - thanks for the suggestions.  I appreciate the effort and it looks like your suggestions also address some of the "simplify" issue as well.

Jon - Yes, I do think it can be a bit simpler.  Will give that a shot.


Anybody else?
 
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