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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Okay maybe it's not that bad. But it's okay at best. I've had this posted on my blog with the cover for my upcoming romance novel Always Been Mine. I figured come time to publish I'd tweak. Well I'm done with the edits and getting ready to publish this weekend Yay! However I've been tweaking all day and I think I've only made it worse. So here's the original:

Valerie Zuniga is an up and coming real estate agent. At only twenty-two she's enjoying the kind of success even seasoned real estate agents only dream of. Her love life however is another story. No one can compare to the only man she's ever loved, the heart-stopping breath-taking but commitment-phobic Alex Moreno. After an entire year of fighting the urge to answer his calls or respond to his texts she's forced to reunite with him. Her cousin is marrying Alex's brother and Valerie is the maid of honor! One sizzling kiss at the wedding shower is enough to make her realize she's far from over him. There's no way she's getting sucked back into the torment of wanting someone she'll never have to herself. She relies on the only thing that she knows will stop Alex faster than a cold shower. Another man. Ironically, the last time she'd tried to get involved with another man just to get over Alex, it became the worst nightmare of her life. And now that very nightmare is threatening to come back and haunt her.

UUgghh I hate this part about writing a novel. I totally stink at summarizing and I'm even worse at making my summary tantalizing. Will someone PLEASE help. Also this is the second in my Moreno Brothers series and as in the first it's told going back in forth from his POV to her's per scene. Should his POV be in the summary here as well? The blurb for the first one in the series also only tells her side of the conflict.
 

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Lead with the conflict. The last time Valerie Zuniga used another man to get over the one man she couldn't have turned out to be a total nightmare. Now that nightmare has returned....then you can go into the background.

Though the way I wrote it seems like the same man she used is back, so if that isn't the case, maybe rework it, but focus on the main conflict.
 

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I think leading with the conflict is great advice. The other thing I would say is trim it down so that it's only the most captivating details, so the really good stuff doesn't get lost in the clutter. Breaking it up into two paragraphs might also help, since (at least for me) it's hard to feel drawn in by a big block of text.

Sounds like a great story--good luck with it!
 

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Consider saying the same thing with less words/sentences. For instance:

At twenty-two, Valerie Zuniga is enjoying the kind of success only dreamed of by more seasoned real estate agents.

See? That says everything your first two sentences say, but in one.  ;)

Yes, I think you should have his POV in the description, too.

 

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Try this:

At only twenty-two, Valerie Zuniga is enjoying the kind of success even more seasoned real estate agents only dream of. If only her love life were the same...

She thought she was over gorgeous commitment-phobe Alex Moreno after a year of avoiding even a mention of him. But one sizzling kiss at a family gathering is enough to make her admit it's far from over.

Now Alex is after her more than ever, and Valerie turns to the one tactic she knows will stop him dead in his tracks: Another man. After all, that's how she got rid of him last time. Problem is, she ended up in the worst nightmare of her life last time.

And now that same nightmare is coming back to haunt her.

ETA: I don't know if I'm any good at it, but I love tweaking everyone else's blurbs. :)
 

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I'm actually pretty intrigued by this, but I second the thought that leading with the conflict might make it better. Also, oftentimes, I see blurbs for romance novels that do little leads on both people involved.

Like:

Valerie is awesome at matching prospective homeowners to their perfect house, but horrible at finding her own perfect match. Currently, she's so worked up over her ex that she's considering using another man to distract herself.

[Insert handsome lead romance dude's name here] is sick of all relationships in general since the love of his life was killed by a honeymooning couple's hot air balloon gone haywire.

When the two of them happen to run into each other at a mutual friend's wedding, they instantly hate each other, but are forced to be together because they're both in the wedding party.

Whatever, you get the idea. I'm not saying you should follow that structure, but it might give you a new angle to play with, if you feel stuck. I do think that somewhere in the blurb, you should give your audience the name of the love interest, which you don't do. (Unless Alex IS the love interest, in which case your blurb has a big problem, because it totally gave me the wrong impression. :p) Also, assuming Alex is not the love interest, I'd leave his name out and not describe him in such detail.
 

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If you can say something about the Hero/Heroine, their goals and conflict in 1-3 sentences, you're golden.

From a marketing perspective, if you hook them their people will do one of two things, continue with the description, or just buy the book.

I always try to have one short paragraph this is like the elevator pitch, followed by simple back cover copy.

I think you can have to short of a description, but more than 2-3 short paragraphs might be too much.
 

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I'm big fan of putting a short-sentence hook at the beginning of the blurb. Also lots of 'sensation' words......

So maybe something like:

"One sizzling kiss changed her whole world. Young and successful Valerie Zuniga, thought she was long over gorgeous commitment-phobe Alex Moreno. But one unexpected kiss at a family gathering is enough to make her admit it's far from over.

Now Alex is in hot-pursuit hoping to re-kindle their failed romance, and Valerie turns to the one tactic she knows will stop him dead in his tracks: Another man. After all, that's how she got rid of him last time. Problem is, the other man turned out to be the worst mistake of her life. And now that same nightmare is coming back to haunt her."
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Wow! Okay I have my day cut out for me. I can see my blurb was way off for some of you as Alex IS the the love interest. (don't feel bad that's just goes to show how bad I am at this summarizing stuff!) I'll come back and post a revised blurb. Gettin excited!  Lets just hope it gets better not worse! lol Thanks so much guys. Keep 'em coming! I can use all the help I can get!!  ;D 
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Alright here's the latest. I feel like it's getting worse this got even longer now. (sobs!)

After catching the only man she’s ever loved red-handed with another woman, Valerie Zuniga vows to never let Alex hurt her again. A year later she is forced to reunite with him at a wedding shower. One unexpected sizzling kiss at the shower and she knows she’s far from over him. No way will she allow herself to get sucked back into that torment. She’ll resist him even that means using the one thing that’ll stop him dead in his tracks: Another man.

Alex Moreno is coming off one of the worse years of his life. So distracted by all the misfortune, he didn’t even realize how much he’d missed Valerie. That is until that kiss. Now he’s determined to get her back one way or another. In the midst of all of it he discovers Valerie is in serious danger. A danger he blames himself for. 

I need comfort food now. *sigh*     
 

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Ooh. You had me until the danger part. Now I'm confused. Is this a romantic thriller? Is this danger of the guns and car chase variety? Maybe if you can be a teensy bit more specific without giving too much away?
 

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I'm not a published author, but I'm an avid reader of women's fiction. I'd take a stab at this, but before I do, I have some questions.

Who is the "good guy" in this romance, the one I should root for her to be with? As the blurb reads now, it sounds to me like Alex is a cheater, and the other guy might be a stalker, so I'm not crazy about either of them. Was the cheating on a break? If not, did Alex do something like go to therapy afterwards, figure out why he did it and turn over a new leaf? Was it all a misunderstanding? I'd need to know those details first, before I could feel sympathy for him. I'm sure that your book answers these questions, but the blurb doesn't.

Could you leave out the "wedding shower" mention? Maybe it's a cultural thing, but where I live (US East coast) wedding showers are a bunch of women in flowered dresses opening housewares and eating cake. There are no men to be found, let alone hot men giving kisses. So when I see the blurb, I get a disconnect between wedding shower and sizzling kiss. (Or was I just going to the wrong wedding showers? hmmm)

I hope I don't sound critical; I'm not criticizing your book, since I never read it. I'm just pointing out some reactions and questions that I had after reading the blurb.

(Edited to add: I just reread one of your posts and you do say Alex is the love interest. So then I'd definitely need to understand if/why he cheated while they were actually dating. But that's just one reader's opinion.)
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Maryann your post made me laugh.  ;D Without giving too much away I'll just say the cheating is sort of a misunderstanding. Maybe I should just say After one heartache too many, Valerie vows to never let Alex Moreno hurt her again. Or is that too wordy?

The danger part is a crazed ex that's back in her life. One she dated during the year they'd broken up I guess you could call it Romantic suspense.
 

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Crazed ex? Okay, I'd say there's nothing wrong with giving that away. It adds to my interest in fact.

So, let's review what we've got:

After one heartache too many, Valerie Zuniga vows to never let Alex Moreno hurt her again. A year later she is forced to reunite with him at a wedding. Drop the shower part?? One unexpected sizzling kiss, and she knows she's far from over him. Pretty sure this sentence should have a comma. Even though the introductory part isn't technically a clause, it implies a subject different from the one it's combined with No way will she allow herself to get sucked back into that torment. She'll resist him even that means using the one thing that'll stop him dead in his tracks: another man. Don't capitalize "A," since the colon makes it part of the sentence.

Alex Moreno is coming off one of the worse years of his life. So distracted by all the misfortune, he didn't even realize how much he'd missed Valerie. That is until that kiss. Now he's determined to get her back one way or another, and no other man will stand in his way. Especially when he realizes that Valerie's "other man" is actually deranged and obsessed. Now Alex must convince Valerie to trust him again. If he doesn't, he may lose the girl of his dreams. Literally.

Okay, I just made up the last part. I don't know if this guy is really threatening her life or not. Just fill in what the actual stakes are, and I think you've got a winner. Maybe you'll get a couple other weigh-ins as well. Best of luck with your book! (It sounds pretty cool.)
 
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